Advice please - ds unhappy

[Pinkchocolatemice]

Ds has just started year 7. He didn't get his first choice school where his good friends were going, he was very upset but did seem to get past it.

Once he started he had a really good first week, came home happy and enthusiastic, second week he was ok, less enthusiastic but still ok. Today he's been in tears, saying he doesn't like it.

His reasons are, he's lonely and badly missing his primary school friends, he has made two friends who he likes and sits with at lunch, but says it will never be the same as the good friends from primary. He does know quite a few kids at his new school, from Scouts, football etc, but says they're all just in their own groups. The one boy from his primary school is badly behaved and ds says he's gone off with the naughty kids and winds ds up stealing his pens.

He says the lessons are so boring like for example he loves art, but says the teacher talks the whole lesson and they don't get to do any practical work.

He says the school is too strict, they only get a 30 minute lunch so no time to play once they've eaten, they have loads of rules he hates, no drinking water in class, silence in the corridors, no standing in the canteen. He says he's constantly afraid of getting a detention if the person next to him is talking.

I've tried to reassure him that it's still early days, close friendships can take time at his age. Also that it's a big change and he will get used to all the new rules and so on.

It's just so sad, he loved primary school, I think he'd have got along better at his first choice of school, it was more suited to him but unfortunately we had no choice.

Do these sound like normal teething problems? Sorry for rambling.

Normal teething issues.
Secondary school is very very different to primary.
He has made friends and he will make more.
Encourage him to go to some clubs.
Primary friends don't generally stick in secondary and chances are they wouldn't be in the same class anyway.

Reassure him that everyone feels like this at some point.
We tell our kids that the only detention we would be cross about is behavioural, if they get in trouble for disrespect for example.
Getting a detention is part of the learning process.

With our worry wart child we go through the worse case outcomes she can think of and talk them through.

Maybe arrange to see some old mates and invite new mates over.

I hope things get easier for him. Out of interest is he still on the waiting list for his first choice school? My DS was offered a place at his first choice school on Friday and starts there tomorrow!

Thank you.

He is on the waiting list but is currently number 38 there aren't many decent schools in the city so the good ones are massively oversubscribed, and this was a bulge year.

I think it's really normal, especially if your D.C. starts Secondary not knowing anyone.

My dd is in Y10. She went knowing no-one but was unfazed and confident. It really shocked her how unsettling it was and how hard she found it at first. People were very much in their Primary school groups and she couldn't break in. She was lonely and anxious but out a brave face on.

The turning point for her was braving lunchtime clubs, especially drama club. She slowly found some friends.....then more friends....then some great friends.

Over the years her friendships have changed and morphed but she's settled and happy. She tells me she can't imagine hanging out with Primary friends now. Funnily enough in Y7 by about Xmas or Easter a lot of the old Primary friendship group can break down and can cause friction (especially amoungst girls). My dd was lucky in that she didn't have this problem and in the long run it helped her.

My ds has just started Y8. Again he didn't really know anyone. He settled quicker than my dd but I still think it took a month or two. He just talked to everyone and got involved in every possible school thing he could in Y7.

I honestly think it's very very common (don't be fooled by all this 'couldn't happier' or 'like a du k to water' crap from other parents on SM. Most children are unsettled and anxious at the beginning of Y7 no matter how many people they know.

I would give his form tutor an email letting her know your ds worries and concerns. They will have seen it 100 times before and will help.

Good luck x

Tell him it's perfectly normal to feel this way at this age at a new school. Reassure him that most, if not all, his primary school friends at the other school will also face similar problems in a new secondary school to a certain degree and the group would not remain the same in the long run. Life-long friends are often made at secondary schools. Tell him there are kids, for example, who have worse "problems" than him - kids leaving home to go to boarding schools; some going overseas even with different cultures, food, weather, etc. but they all soon get used to it over time and love it.

Is this a bad school? I think you need to be positive about the school if it's a decent school, and show that to him, if he is going to stay there.
It's not easy to start at new school with no friends, and added to that, more strict environment compared to primary. But, need to remember that it's not just him feeling this way, unless the school turned out to be really bad match for him.
Like pp said, I started secondary in the foreign country due to parents job, not speaking the language, imagine that!

Normal teething problems.

Primary friendship groups rarely stay the same
Lunchtime isn't really play time anymore so there's no running around like they did at KS2 (not because schools ban it but because they're growing up so it's not as appealling, at our school you're lucky if there's 10 boys, and it is usually boys, having KS2 style play in the first couple of weeks and then it dies down to playing football or chatting).
Subject will be different. (E.g. Primary art was usually practical, but secondary they do a bit more study of art and developing skills and then they apply them to a project, but primary art was often linked to their topic work and now it's a stand alone subject )

Canteen rules and site movement rules will be so everyone can get served and get around the building. It's impossible to get over 1000 students through the queues and eating if the canteen is blocked by people standing around, making it hard to find tables etc.

It's all fairly standard stuff here. He sounds like a lovely boy, but one that sounds quite young for the year. If you have concerns about how he is setting try to call his form tutor or head of year.

My daughter has just started in yr 7 too and goes out of catchment albeit with 10 children from juniors - 4 of whom are good friends. She has settled well but is still anxious, already you can see new friendships forming but it takes time to make "good" friends. Lesson content - she has said it's easy and samey but I imagine the teachers are finding out about them as much as they are finding out about school and that will take a while before they begin to learn "new" things. I hope he feels more relaxed soon!

Lessons aren't representative at this stage. Reassure him and be kind to him, it's a massive change and they are just under so much stress, especially if they feel on their own. We had a lot of tears to start with but by the end of Y7 it was "the best school ever and so much better than primary!"

Do speak to his tutor if you are worried. There should be extra support there for those who need it, ad hoc or something like a friendship group. If there is an art club, or anything else he fancies, that could really help him if you can get him to try it.

It's a big change & he will be tired from mentally coping with it all. Schools tend to be strict at the start of yr7 to set a tone. By half-term he'll be just about used to it. He will make friends as he finds people with common interests/humour & school clubs are a good way.

Does he have outside school club/scouts with old friends? There's a lot to be said for having an outside school set of friends too.

I feel for him. But a lot of children hate Yr7. It's such a huge leap.
If you are sure the other school is better, keep checking with them - phone once a week to see if he's moved any higher. Check if there are any extenuating circumstances that could bump him up the list. Without pestering, let them know he's really keen to go there.Because he may leap up the waiting list once other children settle into their new schools and their parents decide not to move them.

I agree about clubs. Sports or drama and music clubs can help develop friendship groups. And have a word with his HoY and pastoral tutor to ask them to keep an eye on him and help him integrate.

Meanwhile, just help him adjust. See if he can invite some of the people he knows from scouts etc over for pizza and gaming one night to try and strengthen the friendships (if they are people he likes.)

Completely normal I am afraid. We went with the fake it till you make it. Slap a smile on your face or at least be having naughty thoughts that make your face look happy.

If you look miserable no-one is going to want to come over and talk to you. Rules are pretty much the same in all schools. It is a huge culture shock to them from the whole you will miss 5 minutes of your play time for back chatting to you will get a negative or a detention.

Primary mates usually all sprout off into other friendships as let's face it there is far more choice due to numbers.

I would contact his form tutor or head of year to mention he is feeling unsettled, plus I would mention the pen stealing too. I would reassure him that this is completely normal, that the feeling that the grass is greener isn't necessarily so.