6th form anxiety

[Franklyexhausted]

My DD has just started her final year of school - and we are worried.
She did very well at GCSE, and works hard, but is increasingly anxious and introverted. She refuses to tell us what University courses she is interested in, won’t let us go to any open days and now says that she isn’t interested in any; we have told her it is fine if she wants to take a gap year, or even if she doesn’t want to go to university at all (although all her GCSEs were 7-9) but she just clams up when we broach the subject. Her writing is absolutely minute and we have discovered that the school referred her to SENCO and suggested that she use a computer for exams but she has refused on the basis that other people will be distracted and she will write bigger in an exam because she ‘won’t know who is reading the paper’.
We don’t know the names of any of her friends. She goes out for long walks every night. She is now barely eating and losing weight.
On the other hand, to an extent this is nothing new; She has always been introverted, but we know that she does have friends (even if we don’t know who they are), she dresses well and takes care over her appearance, she is able to hold down a Saturday job and her school reports say she is very conscientious, and always gets her work in on time. But they also say that she is very, very quiet and her mock exam results were not good.
We desperately want to support her in her choices, but she refuses to talk to us. We have asked if there is a teacher she could talk to and suggested in the alternative that we arrange counselling - but she refuses point blank.
She can be a funny, passionate child, but she seems to be disappearing and we are so worried.
My husband is now just angry with her, which is the worst reaction Imo.
How do we encourage her to get help?
Sorry - this is trivial compared with most problems, and I have been loathe to post at all having been badly trolled on this site some years ago - but we are scared of either a) overblowing it and creating a problem where none existed; or b) underestimating it and failing to resolve issues before it is too late.
(Sorry if this is posted in the wrong place, but education seems to get more responses than anywhere else)

I’m sorry to hear this OP - it’s clear you’re very worried.

I have a son who just started A-levels too. It is a big jump and an adjustment.

These long walks she goes on sound a bit worrying - do you have any idea where she goes?

It’s very unusual that you don’t know the names of any of her friends.

I would definitely go now and meet with the school if you haven’t already. Be honest about your concerns.

Are you aware of anything going on online? For instance, there are sites such as “Thinspo” which consist of girls “inspiring” each other to under eat.

You need to know who is influencing her (friends or online) as a priority.

Was there ever a time she was more communicative with you?

Also my DS got all 9s too, but he also gets overwhelmed and irritable if we talk about uni courses just yet. He is very conscientious too and Im conscious of not pressuring him further. I think maybe leave ini talk until next year and let them settle into the A-levels for now.

She sounds terrified of failing, being constantly judged and observed or perhaps of growing up and is trying to hide and diminish herself. She sounds like she could really use some kind of counselling, but perhaps it doesn’t have to be the talking kind? There is Equine therapy. You need some way of getting through to her to reassure her - chats by text work well for me and my dd, or on a very long walk or car drive, somewhere that is not confrontational at all. Or maybe a mum and daughter night away together somewhere, where she is out of her routine.

Thank you both for posting.
No42, she is in yr 13, so deciding on her options for Uni or otherwise is getting very close. Blue shadow, I think you are absolutely right when you say that she is terrified of being judged - we put a lot of pressure on her elder sibling and I quite wrongly used to pour out my worries about him to my daughter (I know this was the wrong thing to do!) He is now doing very well at University and having a great time, but I am quite sure that our behaviour towards him has influenced her willingness to open up.
She and I have always had a close relationship, and you are absolutely right that long walks and trips by ourselves are great for mom-confrontational talks, and sometimes, she will open the door just.a fraction; but it’s like treading on eggshells and one wrong word and she retreats into silence again. At the moment we have absolutely no idea what is going on in her head; she literally clams up and becomes totally mute - sometimes for an entire day without uttering a single word.
I think she goes for long walks at night because it helps her to clear her head; I know it sounds really bizarre, but I genuinely don’t think that anything awful is going on.
I think you’re right though that we should speak to the school to at least alert them to the fact that all may not be well, although they won’t be able to force her to talk any more than we can and I am worried about losing her trust.
In the meantime, I have also ordered a book on how to talk to someone with an eating disorder.

I can recommend a book called ‘nonviolent communication’ which is all about how to talk without judging. A nice blank journal for her to record her feelings/express herself at least by herself and privately, might also be useful. It sounds like you need to create a safer environment for her before she feels ready to open up.

She sounds overwhelmed with anxiety about the future and her brain is shutting down any conversation about it to avoid having to think about it.

She unfortunately needs to start confronting her anxiety because avoidance isn’t a good long-term strategy when she does have decisions to make.

Barely eating and losing weight is also concerning. I suspect that she is feeling a total lack of control over her life, and this can manifest in controlling what she is eating.

You need to sit her down and say that you are worried about her mental health. That you need her to eat and so you are making her dinner, and perhaps taking her to the GP.

If she is feeling out of control with too much choice then you sitting down with her and taking charge of things for a bit and telling her what to do can help. Instead of asking her what she wants to do, sit with her and say ‘here’s a list of uni subjects suitable from your A-levels, let’s cross off the ones you don’t want to do and see what’s left’.

Op - That must have been a difficult post to write, my heart goes out to you and your DD.
Personally I think I would completely take away all talk of A levels and next steps. Instead focus on today and this week, - next week/month/year can be tackled as they happen.
As a parent I would be involving the school now, objectively your DD is not going to perform well if her work can’t be read, and she will be out of practice in normal sized writing next summer!
More importantly there are a number of unusual issues that you have spotted. Far better to acknowledge these now before they have a chance to develop into anything bigger.