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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Y7 alone at lunchtime

22 replies

Doryhunky · 07/09/2019 23:34

Dd appears to have ended up in a cliquey school. She has hardly mentioned the other children apart from clearly feeling rebuffed after have thought she had made a friend. She said today that she goes to the library after lunch every day and that the other girls
are all in groups and if they speak to her one day then they don’t the next.
It is a small school and all classes will be in this form group.
What, if anything, should I do?

OP posts:

june2007 · 07/09/2019 23:42

It's very early days, perhaps going to the library is only isolating herself? I would def give it a month or two.

BloodyhellMartha · 07/09/2019 23:45

Is there a social club at lunchtime? lots of schools run these especially for new Y7s.

Original poster

Doryhunky · 07/09/2019 23:46

I agree she is not helping herself by going to the library. She says the playground is very small and everyone is in groups so I guess she is retreating as self defence! I am encouraging her to join clubs so she gets to know people by doing stuff together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Doryhunky · 07/09/2019 23:47

I guess I need to give it time!

OP posts:

Bobbybobbins · 07/09/2019 23:56

A while ago now but I spent quite a few lunch times in the library in year 7. I'm a slow burner with friends but ended up with a lovely group of friends. Agree about getting involved in any lunch activities.

malmontar · 08/09/2019 00:08

DD is in the same position and although has been at the school only 3 days she says everyday she's just been walking around looking for the one friend she made in science. Her school has lunch a and b. She has lunch a 2 days and lunch b 3 days. This doesn't help at all and she's really struggling. I feel you but I do think it takes time. She said she was thinking of going to the library but she hates reading and tbh I'm quite glad, as you've said I don't think it helps when they isolate themselves. She is the only one from her primary school that went there and there's 240 of them in y7 so quite a big school.

Titsywoo · 08/09/2019 00:21

Definitely get involved in clubs. Dd had a horrendous time in year 7 and was excluded by her entire form in the end. She made friends from other classes by going to clubs and is still friends with them now in year 10 (and made other friends through them so hangs out in a big group).

flashbac · 08/09/2019 00:24

My DD is the same. She burst into tears today because of it. It's heartbreaking.

chickenyhead · 08/09/2019 00:26

My daughter did this in year 7. After a while she made friends with another girl doing the same. Give it some time.

malmontar · 08/09/2019 00:42

Our school doesn't have lunchtime clubs as lunch is only 40mins. I'm really hoping next week will be better. they have the club fair on Thursday so I'm hoping she can find a friend at a club. She's crying a lot and she never cries :(

Zinnia · 08/09/2019 01:02

Oh Malmontar really sorry to hear your DD is having a crap time, hope she finds her tribe soon

TeenPlusTwenties · 08/09/2019 07:43

Friendships formed in the first days of y7 often don't last. They cling to each other for security.
Are all the classes really just in her one form group? That sounds a bit rubbish. How many in her year in total?

I agree about encouraging her to join clubs to meet others, but if things are still poor towards the end of next week, contact her tutor / form teacher and ask for guidance.

capercaillie · 08/09/2019 07:47

Give it time. DS was in a similar position last year - knew no one when he started. One year on and he’s finding a nice bunch of friends. It takes time for them to work this out. They’re also at a funny stage of being between stages where parents organise their social lives and doing it independently. Encourage him to try new clubs definitely - DS surprised me by getting involved in drama activities.

silverystream · 08/09/2019 07:54

My D.C. was the same a few years ago. Then made a new friend in the library! They are still good friends.

clary · 08/09/2019 09:09

op and malmontar I would certainly contact the form tutor. I was a tutor of a yr 7 class and would have wanted to know this. They may be able to suggest after school clubs, or liaise with other tutors to find others on their own.

Mimx · 08/09/2019 09:20

The advice I gave to mine was to look for who seemed to be the most approachable people in the class, then try to get into conversation with one of them as they’re leaving the classroom for break or lunch - a preplanned conversation starter if needed. It’s then much easier to just drift along with them to break or lunch without having to break in to the group cold.

malmontar · 08/09/2019 09:33

@mimx I did suggest this but the child was going to her next lesson as they had lunch B that day. DD had lunch A. She will try this again I think. Or arrange to meet her science friend in a particular place. So far she hasn't been able to find her but I have a feeling she has a different lunch.

@clary thank you, I don't have the tutors email but i have emailed the senco as DD is in the Sen register. I'm being very optimistic and I know she will find someone, it's just hard watching her be sad.

malmontar · 08/09/2019 09:54

@Doryhunky I don't mean to hijack your thread sorry. I completely feel for you though. If your school doesn't have a silly lunch system like ours does the lunch club is a good shout.

SansaSnark · 08/09/2019 10:15

I agree, let the form tutor know. They may be able to do subtle things like pairing her up with another nice student or sitting her near some friendly students to help friendships along.

Joining a club is definitely a great idea too though!

Original poster

Doryhunky · 08/09/2019 10:42

No worries re hijack. It’s a good plan to see if they can latch onto a friendly individual rather than break into a group.

OP posts:

RedskyLastNight · 08/09/2019 12:21

DC's school have a similar system that most (though not all) classes are in the same form group. The school does it deliberately as they say it helps make DC feel more settled. It doesn't help if you don't click with anyone in your class though. DS had the same problem as OP's DC. He ended up making friends with DC from other classes, and an alliance (I won't call it a friendship) with one other DC in his class so at least he had someone to pair off with!

Are the girls sticking together because they already know each other? You may well find things Chang around in the next few days.

youarenotkiddingme · 08/09/2019 12:25

My ds has asd so finds it hard to get into social groups. He also transferred schools in year 8.

He spent time in learning support but eventually he made some friendships and in year 9 into year 10 they got better. He now (yr11) has a solid bunch of friends (in school he doesn't doesn't socialise outside of it).

Totally agree with joining groups. My ds joined groups and although the friendships he has remain within the group he has a bunch of likeminded people to hang around with.

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