Fulfilling potential

[lotusbell]

DS12 is just finishing Year 7. Hes a bright boy, doing well in Science and Maths to some extent but he's the classic lazy Male and only ever puts in the bare minimum. Homework was a struggle at primary and is still a problem. He always does it reluctantly and has no real enthusiasm or desire to improve or go above and beyond what he needs to. He complains he is overlooked or should be in a higher set but is not prepared to actual do anything to achieve this. He is more interested in his PS4 which I wish we'd never got but that's another story. He has just had his awards afternoon and got a bronze certificate which is the minimum 'award' you can get and is based on attendance, behaviour points, extra curricular interests etc. I think every child got at least a bronze. He isnt bothered although said he thought he'd get the science award. Lots of other people got multiple awards and I just really want to see him do well. We've had a chat and I've told him that next term, he needs to start making a real effort in all subjects (report says he is underachieving in some subjects), less playstation time and more time on homework and revising for tests - not just a read through his work. At the moment, I have to sit with him through his homework, helping him and I long for a day when I get home from work and he says he's done it rather than managing him to check his homework app! Am I being unreasonable to expect more of him? Putting pressure on both if us? My 16 year old nephews and have just done their exams and are really focused, studious and hard working. I'm not comparing my son to them but I wish he'd follow suit and knuckle down! Please tell me this comes with maturity?!

DC1 is a year older and I could have written your post word for word a year ago and I'm afraid not a huge amount has changed . We did insist he take up another after school activity which he now loves and does twice sometimes 3 times a week to get him fit and distract from the bloody PS4 and that's been really good for him (fitter, sleeps better, less moody from screen overload).
To be fair, he is better at getting on with his homework without me standing over him, however, it's still pretty slap-dash and unsurprisingly, lack of effort throughout the term meant he flunked quite a few exams.
I contacted his School with my concerns about his lack of effort/interest and they have put it down to lack of maturity but also put him under review for some subjects next term.

We're also going for monetary bribery for his mid-term exams (which are really just an overview of the term so nothing earth shattering!) with consequences for failure or at least serious improvement so will see how that goes! Good luck

My DBro coasted through the first 2/3 years of secondary. It was a big struggle for my parents as my sister and I had always just got on with HW etc. They said they wished they had been stricter from the start with TV. He did ok at GCSE but better at A Level and degree as he grew up a bit.

Mine's at the end of Y7 as well and I could have written your post. So frustrating. He's bright but so lazy, and will not take a word of advice from me or DH about schoolwork, homework or revision (we are both in academia, DH is a senior lecturer, but apparently we know nothing because we went to school in the 1700s.....). I could cheerfully bin his XBox and his phone, but he's an only child and I don't want him to be 'that child' who's the only one not able to join in with games and chat. I really hope he bucks his ideas up before he gets into GCSE territory.

Well he might end up being “that child” that flunks his GCSEs and isn’t allowed back to do A levels. Limit the games and chat to reflect effort.

Mine went to boarding school at 11 and I never did any prep with them after that. The teachers should know what they can do without parental involvement.

Remove console controller until homework is done to satisfactory standard.

Don't sit with him for homework he lives by his own decisions if he doesn't do it he gets the sanction whatever that maybe. I did this with DD right from the start of secondary. It really clicked at the end of year 8 that how hard she worked determined how she and in year 9 she really applied herself.
Now at the end of year 10 the report is really good about how hard she works. It really has to come from them.

I second the suggestion of letting him get in with it on his own - this is something we've been much better st doing for yr8 and he faces the consequences if it's not done.

One of the issues we've had is that the school set so little homework in Y7 that we couldn't see the problems - apparently most of the homework is just finishing classwork, and if he'd finished it (i.e. rushed it and done the bare minimum) the book stayed at school and he had no homework. I raised this at parents' evening but nothing changed.

Thanks for all the replies , I haven't had chance to read them until now. It's sort if nice to know it's not just my son but I do sympathise with anyone in the same boat! I have already started to lean away from home work help as I know he needs to do it alone and he knows going forward, this will be the case. It's not necessarily about leti g him face the consequences, it's about getting him to put more effort into it and try and achieve that bit more. Have tried lots of things with the PS4, such as any h/w after tea first and then PS4 if there's time left etc. It doesn't help that he's home alone until I get home about 5.30. I have already been down the route of putting a password on it so that he has to wait until I get home etc but more as a punishment for behaviour/bad attitude. I don't expect him to crack straight on as soon as he's home, he needs a break. Thanks for all suggestions, will be discussing with his dad over the summer too.

It's painful, isn't it?

My DS1 is naturally lazy. We tried 'everything', threats, chats. sanctions, rewards, for limited success.

The school were on-side, seeing a bright but lazy boy, too, lots of mentoring etc.

Our relationship began to break down over GCSE revision, til eventually, I had to say that I was going to stop nagging, begging etc as it was upsetting me and falling on deaf ears; tho I wouldn't be able to stop myself saying, as he banged away on his PC, gaming "You and I both know what you should be doing" as I walked past (cue his dramatic eyeroll, sometimes accompanied by some light-weight vitriol etc).

Anyway, he got one grade less than predicted in 6/10 GCSEs (getting AABBBBBBCC); he drifted into Sixth Form, doing 4 ASs, plucked out of thin air, Maths , Physics, Geography, Economics, openly lying about 'wanting to become an engineer'.

By Feb half term, it was clear where this was heading, as I think he also was beginning to appreciate; so I told him that a couple of low grade ASs weren't worth the paper they were written on; I wasn't going to support his laziness any more that he either bucked up immediately or he was getting a job at the end of Y12, when he'd be 17. I said I didn't care what but it would be full time and he'd be paying me rent. I absolutely meant it.

Anyway, during this time, I discovered a lad at my work who had done just the same, but he restarted sixth form doing a 3 A level equivalent BTEC instead, thence onto uni. I researched this, and with DS getting an entirely predictable D and an E in Geog and Economics at AS, he left the sixth form and went to the local Tech to do a computing BTEC, class of eight. He was pretty much on board with the change as he, too, had begun to observe how the rah-rah squad of parents and teachers fell away as the years passed, and that he was, effectively 'on his own'. He also had to swallow his innate snobbery, leaving a well-regarded sixth form to go to Tech- but there he discovered motivated, committed young people, many in hard hats and steel toed boots who were getting stuck into the workforce, and earning, with far more potential that he had had, failing at sixth form!

Thus he came out with Distinction star x 2 and a Distinction!

He's now just finished Y1 of a Softwear Engineering degree, on track for a First.

The biggie was immaturity. I knew at 5 that DS1 should have been allowed to repeat YR, him and half the boys in the class. Instead, he 'repeated' Y12.

DS2, completely different kettle of fish, he knows he's too young for uni this Sept so he's doing an Art Foundation Year prior to uni. Another boy who should have repeated YR.

Good luck, hope there's some hope in here for you!

do you think he is mature enough for a "future" discussion? I have known this to work for other people. so you say where does he see himself in the future, what would he like to do in 10 years etc. and if he wants to do that then tell him he is more than capable of achieving it but what does he think he needs to do to get there, degree or apprenticeship, A-level subjects or equivalent, GCSE subjects and grades. so you are breaking it all back down from his future aspirations to the next couple of years and what does he need to DO NOW in order for it to be a possibility in the future.

can't do any harm to try it. might make him realise he has to work hard all the way through.