Transition day disaster :(

[MrsBobDylan]

We moved house in March to a cheaper area, after school allocations. Our new nearest school is undersubscribed so ds got a place there and we liked it when we looked round.

FF to today and ds told me that no one spoke to him except one boy who called ds' surname 'gay'. The majority of kids come from local feeder schools so they hung around in groups.

I am really, really upset. It is my fault we moved because I didn't stand up to my bully ex-boss and had to leave my job so we couldn't afford the house we had.

Dh has said I am overreacting (I am, I feel borderline hysterical) but I am now scared ds will be picked on in September and that the school is fucking horrible.

Is there a brighter side that I'm missing? Does this happen in secondary? I have phoned the school and told them what was said and the name of the boy.

Did you explain the DS was unhappy, or did you just complain about the incident?

I told them about the incident but did say that ds had found the whole day really hard because he didn't know anyone and felt very isolated, especially after this 'exchange'.

We live in an area where all the primary children get spread out across various secondary schools, so although we didn't change area my DS was only going with a handful from his primary school, none of which were good friends, and they were all split up across new form/house groups anyway.
He hated transition day, cried, sulked, didn't want to go back. He had problems with one boy being horrible on his first proper day there which I had to speak to the school about.
But, it did get better. He's 2 years in now and quite settled. Transition day they will likely stay in their groups of friends, but come September they will be moved round on a lesson by lesson basis. Also trouble makers will dispersed too unlike in primary.
So whilst obviously I can't say how it will pan out, it will be different once he starts. Friendships and dynamics will change. My DS never sees or mentions anyone from primary anymore and has made some friends. It's scary, but give it time.

That's not a disaster.

I thought you were going to say he got into a fight and had to see the head of year. Or got lost on the way to school and was 40mins late.

It could be better, I agree. The other lad was probably just showing off in front of his mates. Were they in their new tutor groups? Our school spreads people around from the feeder schools. it also keeps a special eye out for any kids being the only one from their school.

You can't call the school for one comment. Well, you can, but it might be better to keep your powder dry for more serious things.

It will probably all be absolutely fine in Sept once they settle in to their new groups and your DS starts meeting others. Do you have the email of his new tutor? If so you could drop him a line and say DS a bit unhappy as felt an outsider so please keep an eye on him in Sept and try to help him mix.

Maybe also go through conversation openers with him ready for Sept.

It will probably all be OK. I think you are perhaps mainly projecting from what has happened to you.

Thank you. A bit of perspective helps. Ds is an introvert but actually good at talking/listening and is a kind, sensible child.

This boy is in his tutor group. I just hope ds can find a friend in September and starts enjoying himself.

I'm sorry he had a rough time. I don't think it means the school will be a nightmare, though maybe it'll take him a while to settle. Is he quite shy normally?

FWIW, I had a rough first few years at my secondary school but an amazing time after that and was really glad I went there and not somewhere else.

I moved to the states when I was 13 14 and started high school...I went in on my first day and hated it. Came home and told my mum that nobody spoke to me, i sat on my own all lunch break and she could think again if she thought I was ever going back there.... I told her I was moving back home to the UK and I’d live with my dad or go to boarding school. After many tears from my mum and her begging me to give it another go, I went back the next day.

And I LOVED it. I had 4 of the happiest years of my life there and wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

The first day in a new school is scary....my DD2 is doing her 2 weeks transition atm and thankfully loves it...but it’s a bigger school, different people, teachers, rules etc. I’m sure once September comes everything will settle down and he’ll be fine. I know it’s hard but try not to worry too much 💐

This is helping, thanks for sharing similar stories. It gives me hope to know that not having the 'perfect' start to school doesn't mean the whole thing will be awful.

I am also guilty of feeling guilty and I know I need to be robust to show my son that today was a minor blip in what will most likely be a good school experience.

I am maybe a bit protective of him because he has type 1 diabetes but he is really independent and level headed and I have tried to encourage that. Nothing worse than your mum interfering!

I wouldn't worry about this boy being in his tutor group, if the school works similar to ours they will spend little time in their tutor groups apart from registration. There will always be at least one child who is a pain, there will be petty name calling and messing around. I wouldn't worry unless it progresses to something more or your boy is being singled out and picked on. They'll all find their feet before you know it.

I’m a secondary teacher .. transition day can be tricky for some pupils as pupils will often stay in groups with others they know.

When they start in sept there will be much more opportunities for them to meet new friends. Pupils will be in lots of different classes with lots of new people, teachers will have seating plans which gives the pupils a chance to meet new friends. And there will be lots of clubs to join too.

Keep and eye on things and contact your sons form tutor in sept if you’re worried. I imagine the other boy was showing off in front of his friends and he probably won’t even remember the comment he made when he starts in sept.

Hope it all goes well

Can you speak to the special needs department to let them know that he was struggling a bit today? They can provide support that is really useful.

Is there any way to find out the details of some other boys who are starting in Sept and then arrange some activity type days over the summer holidays for ds and them? Im sure there are lots of other who were feeling the same and would love to start the term knowing someone a bit better. If you have them meet up to do an activity it makes conversation easier as they can talk about what they are doing iyswim

My ds loved transition days. Started in the September- day 3 he was crying, hated it, didn’t want to go, wish he’d gone to his brothers school. Had the weekend off, tears the whole time, I was in bits because I knew we couldn’t get him into his brothers school (they were both in the top performing schools, but different counties). Monday he came home, loving it. By the January he said ‘I’m glad I went to this school’. He’s still friends with his old primary group, they play on the Xbox etc together, but the group he hangs around with and his best friend, all came from other schools. He’s just finishing year 9 now.

So please don’t worry, many of us have been there. He even got into a minor scuffle about 4 weeks in, which is so not him. But the HoY phoned me, and she said she wasn’t worried at all, they are just finding their feet, and it always happens. It was just pushing, no one hit each other. Following week they friends 🤷🏻‍♀️. It’s kids. Thankfully all worst I’ve had since is one email for late homework, so he’s done ok!

I know it’s scary when our ‘babies’ feel like this, because all we want to do is protect them from everything, and really have a stern talking to, to those nasty little s*s. But this is when we let them fly. Now they will start to become independent. Over the summer work on skills with your ds, regarding making conversation with others. Even a simple ‘Is it ok if I sit by here?’ When he goes into his form room. Or if they are going to lessons ‘is it okay if I walk with you?’- just small things that can help him. I also drilled into ds that if he was lost etc and there were 6th formers about to ask them. He looked petrified when I said that. A few days in, he was lost, plucked up the courage to ask a 6th former, who walked him all the way to his lesson, and also explained why he was late to his teacher. He said ‘6th formers are not as scary as I thought’ I said ‘but your brother is a 6th former?’’ But apparently that’s different lol

I took four children to school today (mine, and a friend's two, complicated school run!) and they were reminiscing about their transition days. Three age groups, three different schools between them.

Common theme was that they all hated the day, regardless of what school said in their blurb. DS1 thought it was full of "gangsters". DS2 found it overwhelming and confusing. Youngest of friend's children confessed that she'd cried in the toilets...

It's end of their time at primary, highly emotional anyway.

You absolutely did right telling the school, by the way.

Whoa whoa whoa, it was only one day - and a notoriously tough one at that! Please don’t get upset.

I was in your DS’s shoes; the only child in my form not from one of the feeder schools (and was a very working class kid in an overwhelmingly middle class school in a town I didn’t know) - I couldn’t have felt more out of place on my first day, but I was a pleasant kid and met some lovely girls who I’m still friends with to this day. Kids are often more resilient than we give them credit for.

Good luck to your DS, I’m sure he’ll get on great

Please don’t blame yourself. I’m glad you left your shitty boss, even if you’d stood up to him you may still be looking over your shoulder. It was one day. Kids all mix it up in secondary school. The most important thing is to bounce back. You are feeling raw because you think it’s your fault. Well let me tell you you are tots amazing, breadwinner and Mum.

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