DD unhappy in school - what should we do?

[lionfish]

Hi,

My DD is coming to the end of year 9 at school and is having a hard time from lots of girls. She was happy in years 7 & 8 and was in a lovely class (set 1) and doing well. However, due to a huge rearrangement in the classes she was separated from some of her friends and several new pupils joined the class (still set 1).

The dynamics of the class has completely changed and the behaviour of many pupils (towards staff and pupils) has made my DD feel very uncomfortable. She has been directly targeted, laughed at, humiliated and belittled several times and I have told the head of year but nothing has really changed. In fairness, the school did reluctantly offer to move her to a different class back in November. It wasn't an easy option due to how they teach on a cycle and she was concerned that it would have a huge negative impact on her GCSE Science work which they start in year 9(doing the Biology module twice and not being taught the Physics module). She now regrets not changing but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I have tried to teach my DD to have a thicker skin and ignore them but it is hard for her when it's happening repeatedly. She has been in tears several times when she's telling me about what's been done or said, but is reluctant for me to follow it up every time as she doesn't want the girls to know that she's complained about them,

All I want for both my DDs if for them to be happy, healthy, do their best and treat people with respect. I'm concerned that the situation is making my daughter unhappy, which is in turn affecting her (mental) health and ability to do her best. What can the school do when there are so many pupils behaving badly? I know that the classes will be different for the option subject they select but she'll be doing 11 core GCSEs and won't have any control on who's in her class. The school have acknowledged the bad behaviour because the class aren't allowed supply teachers now if their regular teacher is off and they have to have a member of SLT to cover the lesson (set 1 - bonkers!).

We're seriously considering starting her at a different school but aren't sure that there are suitable options and it's a big risk with starting GCSEs in September. Should we change her school? DD is in two minds, wants to do well but is understandably nervous about changing schools and having to start again at a time when she should be focussing her energy on her studies. There's also no 'obvious' choice school for her to go to so it may involve private school which we could only just about afford for a potential 4 years.

Sorry for the long message, does anyone have any advice having been in a similar situation?
Thanks.

The vast vast vast majority of schools reshuffle kids majorly in year 10. Options subjects in different combinations, new setting for different core subjects (it sounds utterly bonkers that there's just 'set 1' covering more than 1 subject - surely some kids are set 3 for maths set 1 for English etc.?) mean you're in different combinations all the time.

You're right that she won't have any control over who is in her class, but having different classes for different subjects does make a big difference - you're not with the same people day in day out so it becomes easier to 'deal' with them if they continue being vile because you get some time off if that makes sense?

Year 9 is hellish for girls. Help her with some coping mechanisms. See how her friendships are over this final half term, and then review at year end.

Hello: There are several problems you are highlighting.

Firstly, the school is not dealing with bullying. It must have a bullying policy so read it and tackle the school about the lack of action. If your dd is so upset, and bullying is repeated systematically, it is bullying. It needs to stop. You are correct, it will affect her results and wellbeing.

Secondly, you have a weak SLT. They really should clamp down on low level interuptions and bad behaviour. It is wrong and incompetent that they do not. Ask what is being done to stop this.

Thirdly, she should not be doing 11 GCSEs. Why? Who needs this number? No-one. Drop one or two. Less stress.

Lastly, if they really cannot put anything right, I would go. I really would try and go private in this instance. The DC are often better behaved, but not necessarily, so keep your eyes open for the reality and not the dream. Go and see the school right now. At least then you can make an informed decision. I do not see why your dd should have to put up with this inactivitiy by the school to deal with the issues you talk about. It simply is not good enough, and she deserves better.

Has she chosen options and does she know whether any of these girls have chosen the same.

On one hand, the start of Year 10 is a good time to change if you have to, before (most) courses start. On the other hand, she may not be able to do the options she has chosen at another school.

Without knowing what steps the school has taken, I don’t think it’s fair to make a judgement about the effectiveness of SLT.

Have you had a face to face meeting with the HoY? I can understand your dd’s reluctance, but there may be some strategy you don’t know about.

I would be concerned though, about set 1 having SLT when the substantive teacher isn't there.

My own Dd had a hellish Y8 and 9 due to bullying at an all girls school. The school policy was not to juggle classes so she has had to be with the same 10 girls since year7. She was lucky and had a lovely friendship group outside school. She didn’t want to switch schools because she loved the teachers and lessons just not the cohort. It has been lonely but the upside is she isn’t drawn in to girl dramas as she now keeps her own council and now some of those in the cliques confide in her because she is impartial.so from our experience if your Dd is resilient and has enough self esteem I would say this will pass. Equally her friend that was desperately unhappy and chose to switch school in Y9 and it was the best decision, she is so happy and thriving. It really boils down to your Dds personality and how she is coping. Our experience was that school did acknowledge the issue but was unable to offer any solution.

Thanks for taking the time and for your advice. I'm still waiting for a response to the email I sent on Wednesday evening and if I don't hear anything before Monday I will send it up further up the chain. The school bullying policy is not on their website so I've asked for a copy in the email. I think part of the problem is that this is an oversubscribed school with excellent results and fantastic reputation so they assume that pupils wouldn't move to another school.

@BubblesBuddy She is doing 11 core GCSE's and 14 GCSEs in total which is standard for most of the pupils - ridiculous! She doesn't know the options of all the girls involved but thinks they'll be sufficiently different to avoid the pack mentality that is currently happening. It's the 11 core subjects that are a concern, and even though we know there will be some movement we have no idea how much.

@be47 Different subjects decide their own sets so it may be that she's will them for Science and Maths but not for English etc.

@Arewedone Sorry to hear that your DD has had a difficult time. I'm so impressed that she's risen above it and has continued at the school. Friends from extra curricular activities have been a lifeline for my DD too.

We have contacted a private school to see if they would accept her for year 10 and are waiting to hear back to see if they have space. DD isn't sure if she want to move but quite flexible regarding her options. However, the private school start the GCSE Maths and English courses in year 9 so she may have a bit of catching up to do. We will also continue to give DD ways of coping with the situation as they are useful life tools.

We will do whatever to ensure that DD is happy....

14 GCSEs is mental!
The school sounds like it needs to adjust its priorities

I would leave on the basis of doing 14 GCSEs. No one does this!! Are you sure this is correct? Are they insisting on BTecs as well? 11 is not core either. Core is: 3 or 2 X Science, Maths, English, a Humanity and a MFL. RE is sometimes compulsory. You could add an arts subject, another MFL, another science or PE!! There should be options to allow for 9 or 10 above core. 11 is too many. You need quality of results over quantity.

I would strongly suggest the private school will not do this and I would look a a matter of urgency. Obviously with so many classes (how do they timetable?) she will not be away from the difficult children at all!!! What subjects is she expected to do? Time to go and find a sensible school.

She may well not have much catching up to do. The private school Y9 could have covered similar topics because they will need the same basic maths covered to build on. Obviously see what the school says. They are possibly not an overly academic school if they take 3 years to do GCSEs in some subjects. Just make sure they do not sit them early - in Y10. You want fewer in number and Y11. That gives her the best shot at them.

Hope you get a place.

Bubbles- both DS and Dd schools take 11 as standard as do a few schools in the area. Some students taking 12 with ad maths. Not heard of 14 though unless taking early due to native languages.

OP if your Dd is doing well at school I would say that rather than risk a new school at this stage where friendship groups are already established and she may find herself out on a limb anyway I would persevere. Of course depending on the severity of the bullying. Subject choices will affect teaching sets so she will get a break from being with the bullies.
Sadly it seems schools can be really ineffective in dealing with bullying. Our Dd also didn’t want us to intervene although I did speak to the HOY and pastoral care without telling her and was appalled to find out other parents had complained about the same group and teaching staff knew there was a problem.
Dd is staying on for A levels but thankfully this group with their pack mentality are all leaving as from today
Hope you find a solution !

@BubblesBuddy and @Veterinari I completely agree that 14 GCSEs is completely bonkers. The school is a Welsh school so the core subjects are Maths, Numeracy, Welsh Lang, Welsh Lit, English Lang, English Lit, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, RS and Welsh Bac. The pupils then choose 3 options. As it is the norm for us I didn't realise the craziness of it all, but I completely agree that it's over the top and unnecessary.

I've had a response from my email from a member of staff more senior than the head of year saying that they're aware of a number of the points that I've raised and would I rather they emailed or rang me back. I've asked for an email so that we can keep a paper trail of what's been said. I do think that they're already at fault if they're admitting that they know there's a problem with behaviour but haven't taken steps to resolve it.

Fingers crossed we get somewhere this time, but the more I think about it maybe 10 GCSEs at a private school would be a more sensible option for DD anyway.

Have been in a similar situation , different in that it was a primary school issue though.

My middle child was bullied in year 1 , the school didn't deal with it so I moved her to another school. She then experienced severe bullying in year 4 , it was evidenced with text message copies but nothing was done and the bullying continued. I removed her from this school and home schooled until a place was available at a good local school.

She settled well there as it was a small , but well run school. She is now at secondary school , again , it's a small school with a tough stance on bullying. I'd move her again in a heartbeat if she became so unhappy that her mental health and learning were suffering.

The bottom line - do what is right for your child , don't let anything stand in the way of that.

Nothing more from the school yet, I'm on tenterhooks waiting to see what their response will be.

@Arewedone Thanks for your reply, it makes a lot of sense. My worry about changing her school is that it would take time for her to settle when she should be getting on with her work so it would be good to get her sorted where she is.

@GlossyTaco So sorry that you've been through this with your DD on more than one occasion - their happiness is all we want as parents, isn't it?

It appears 3 of the core subjects are Welsh so I assume the private school can ditch these? I forgot English was x 2, but what is Numeracy? Why is that needed on top of Maths GCSE?

I’m always amazed when parents put up with such a nonsense set of GCSEs. Even if you are aiming for the very top universities, 9 or 10 GCSEs is just fine. Welsh could reasonably be one but I can see why Wales isn’t considered great for educational results. Too many subjects. Not a single school I know of prescribes 11 GCSEs plus choice! It’s madness but driven by national identity. That has its place but not in the form of 3 GCSEs.

I would go I’m afraid. I wouldn’t subject my DC to this. It’s not fair and it means she will have far too much work to do and less time for hobbies or other activities. At this age, my DD did more activities than GCSEs!

My dd moved school y11 and constantly changing friends
Girls can be really nasty to each other.
Sometimes telling the school makes it worse as they call out the students and then your kid gets more abuse for telling on them.
Its so hard for parents to sit back, we just want to do what is best for our kids.

The update from school is that they know that there's a problem with many of the girls in the class and they plan on trying to set them tactically in year 10. This doesn't fill me with confidence - surely they should be sorting out the behaviour in the first instance? I have asked repeatedly for the Disclipline policy but not received it yet.

No word from the private school as to whether they have spaces as the admissions officer is off until tomorrow.

@BubblesBuddy I hadn't realised it was so unusual to do so many GCSEs. There's very little options open for the school though as the directives come from the Welsh Assembly Government. Only the top sets do triple science rather than double science, some pupils only do half course RS and pupils who are really struggling don't do literature exams, so that reduces the load. It's not an option for pupils to 'opt' of the these options as they are timetabled according to sets.

Theere should be a Behaviour Policy and Discipline and Sanctions Policy. There should also be an Anti-Bullying Policy. Are none of these on-line for parents? They should be. That is poor if you have to keep asking I'm afraid.

I do think this number of subjects is not sensible. The Welsh education system produces worse results than England, Scotland, and NI. I think the DC are over stretched. The Welsh Assembly might like everything Welsh but of course the rest of the Nation tends to judge on performance, attainment and Progress 8. Oxford and Cambridge any other high ranking university will consider applicants with 9 or 10 GCSEs. They want the core subjects and a decent range of others. No university asks for or wants 14. DC are way better off gettting, say, 9 with high grades and then maybe the half GCSE. It also leaves rom for a wider range of hobbies and interests. In a country that needs investment and skills other than Welsh, this seems a very over the top stance to take. However, I am not Welsh as you can probably tell.

Are you looking at the private school seriously?

@BubblesBuddy We're waiting until the admissions officer is back in work tomorrow to know if it's even a possibility for her to transfer to the private school. If they have space we'll then have to go through the application process and try and get DD a taster day to see what she thinks.

Not heard anything further from the school despite me asking what they've done regarding the 'disgusting behaviour of these girls' (their words in an email) in lessons throughout the year , I'm guessing that they're finding it quite difficult to admit that they haven't done anything. Individuals should not be allowed to negatively impact other students education and their Behaviour/Discipline policy should outline the steps they (should) have taken to resolve these issues. Wait and see what comes back, I'll be chasing tomorrow if I don't hear anything...

I think it is common (normal) for Welsh students to do more GCSEs- although I'm not sure about the numeracy on top of maths thing. However, if this is how the school is set up, it's unlikely she'll be allowed to drop subjects at the start of Y10 (unless SEN is involved or any involve "twilight" classes).

It does sound like a school with a weak SLT, if they're acknowledging the poor behaviour of these girls but not really willing to do anything to tackle it =/ If your DD is open to moving I'd definitely consider that option.