Before I start this question I just want to say that I'm aware this is a very low-level/lucky problem to have but it has been weighing on my mind and I thought I'd turn to mumsnet for some advice/therapy.
Last year my DD1 sat the 11+ for top grammars in our area and rather wonderfully got a place at DAO and Henrietta Barnett to start this sept. My DH wanted to send her to HB (he'd seen the league tables and on grades alone it wins out) but I favoured DAO for one big reason: we have a DD2 who is very bright and capable in her own way but I wasn't sure would get a place herself (she doesn't love maths and writing as much as DD1). At the time I was very comfortable and happy with the decision not least of all because I found the whole period of secondary school applications pretty unpleasant and was delighted to not have to go through it again. But as time has gone on I've become more anxious that I made the wrong decision for DD1 for the sake of DD2. DD1 is quite geeky (not sporty) and thrives off competition and that has made me wonder whether she would have been more suited to HB (although at the time I worried about the added pressure of lots of high achievers competing against each other).
We didn't do private school because my husband is against them on principle and I'm not sure we could have afforded them anyway. But I'm surrounded by people who do send their kids privately and say things like "I'm not sure how hard they push them at DAO but at Highgate..." and say they chose private because "you don't compromise on your child's education". All of which has made me worry I made the wrong decision for DD1. There's obviously so much wonderful stuff said about DAO - which is why we went for it - but, as a feminist, I have had a few alarm bells about small things eg. cheerleading as a girls 'sport' and the fact I'm told almost no girls choose trousers as uniform. DD1 hasn't worn a skirt for years and I doubt will change now but again, it makes me feel she might've been more suited to the geeky hoodie-and-jeans girls at HB. (Also makes me have a quiet worry about unconscious bias/sexism and whether that seeps through into subject choices - ie. do fewer girls do science at A-level?) Would love to hear from other DAO parents about whether this is a giant flap about nothing. Again: I know we are v v lucky.