If your children don't go to school locally, how much do they go out and do stuff and see people on weekends and school holidays?

[clubchair]

I realise teenagers come in many varieties but as summer approaches I feel a bit sad that my teen dds will mostly be hanging around the house and relying on me and DH to do stuff with them or suggest that they meet up with other people.

I'm not sure how much of it is their personalities - they've never been what people refer to as 'joiners' but they are pleasant, friendly people. They each have a small group of friends, although DD2 in Year 8 is at that stage where her friendships are changing. She has low self-esteem and whilst she is well-liked by people she comes into contact with, she doesn't believe it herself. I have to cajole them to do anything. They are involved in one or two extra curriculars thanks to my persistence but neither are at a level where that fills much of their time on a weekend or gives them extra opportunities to see fellow students.

Is this normal or unusual - where children go to a secondary school that is not local or with a very wide catchment area where pupils are bussed in?

We're away for a few weeks in the summer but I feel the holidays looming. I feel a bit guilty for having landed them in this situation - we moved here during primary school - it's not a great area, fairly insular and DDs are not in contact with anyone from primary - so we don't have a sense of community from school or outside our front door, which does not help. I do encourage them to have school friends over or meet up with them but other families seem so busy that it doesn't happen as often as would be ideal.

I'm not sure why I am writing this - just feeling a bit down about it. Please don't reply if you're looking to be confrontational. I only have my own experience to compare it to - which was me going to a village secondary, everyone lived in the village and we'd meet up with friends under our own steam every possible moment.

My ds went to different high schools. One 7 miles in one direction and the other 12 miles in the opposite direction. This obviously meant their friends were from a wide radius! They are now 14 & 19.

The boys have friends over or stay at friends. Ds14 played rugby for our local team so he sometimes goes out with the boys but rarely as they all go to the local high school. I will admit a lot of time is spent as taxi driver- but I knew that would happen when I chose the schools- go to excellent schools or the crap local? There are one or two boys who live in our town that he is friends with who go to his school, so often they will be on the Xbox then he comes to say he’s off for a walk up the mountain with x, which I like.

Ds19 was more difficult, as he didn’t play any sports etc in town (I should say they both went to a primary school 8 miles away too), so don’t know boys his age in town. However he has been 50/50 with me and his dad since two, and he had 4/5 friends close to where is dad lived. So I was used to ds being with me for two nights only for him to say X is coming over to sleep now. So I got used to being second best!

I did use to worry like you, but the kids are in contact all the time anyway on social media, text, fact time, Xbox etc. I did ask them once if they would have liked closer to friends, they said yes as it would make it easier to see each other, however they would probably only end up what they are doing anyway, just without me driving!

Ds19 also admitted it was probably for the best as he came home and done homework rather than rushing out with friends and then rushing his school work!!

My DD is always seeing school friends. She takes the bus/train.

I hardly see my dd

Shes 12. Started in September and is out most afternoons. Comes home for tea then does homework. She was having alot of sleep overs too but I have stopped allowing it on a school night now. It got too expensive as she couldn't take a packed lunch as she hadn't been home to get it. Plus I wanted to obviously wanted to be sure she did her homework.

In fairness though this is a novelty for her as her primary wasnt local and all the going out after school to friends house wasnt so easy. So I do expect it to die down a bit.

Oh and we’ve always had an ‘open house’ so the boys knew they could ask at anytime for someone to stay and it was not a problem (obviously they knew not to ask if we had plans etc the next day). So I find one of their friends would say mum and dad are going out so I have to go to grans, and the ds would say if you are allowed and you want to you could stay at mine. So we had a lot of friends staying that way, and sometimes emergencies like a grandparent was taken to hospital so mum would phone me and ask if he could stay or dad had to work an extra shift etc.

Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t a childminder! But I think for some of the boys to know that they could ask to stay, which has happened frequently, and they were welcome, cemented some of the friendships. (They also raid my fridge now without a second thought!!).

My DDs didn’t have local friends because they went to boarding school but they met up with friends in the holidays. I was a taxi service! They never used computer games but were always busy. We also had holidays in the holidays.

Holidays are a real problem at this age!

My DS’s both travel to a school 10 miles away by train. They go by train to meet friends in the holidays or I drive them to friends for the day and collect them. However they both also have friends locally from rugby, football, cricket, Scouts and their junior school
Who they meet up with too

Hmmn, not sounding normal then. I'd say they see friends about once per month. School holidays come and I have to remind them to make some plans. It's both the in frequency and the lack of initiative on their part that bothers me. I'm guessing they don't notice it because they are connected on social media. It bothers me as I do all social planning on the house and I'd like not to have to worry about planning their social lives too.

dd1 was always the one who did the planning amongst her friends who could be a bit flakey. They'd make plans then find they weren't actually free. Sometimes parents are the problem as they'd break plans for their dds if they suddenly made weekend plans which involved their children - like seeing family friends.

I tend to be very flexible. Happy to have people over sorry notice. Will drive dds to far away friends. Will let them out of other plans if they're invited somewhere. Will have big groups of people over in the lower years for a whole day during school hols so they have somewhere to meet up. Maybe parents are the problem because it's rarely reciprocated.

Hi op, I think 'normal' can vary very widely though, and in fact it's not as unusual as you would think for dcs not to see much of other school people at weekends and in holidays. Though perhaps less talked about! It is difficult - I think in some parts of our society a high value is based on dteens having an active social life, whereas many of them aren't actually that bothered. Do you get the impression your dds are happy? If so I would be inclined to say 'fine'! If not, and they're lonely, then that's another issue of course.

I'd also take a bit of care before encouraging them to take the initiative in asking friends to meet up. It may be that they have sussed out that that wouldn't work at the moment. In fact your dd1 may have decided to take a back seat for a while, given her experience of others flaking. (I realise if all the dteens felt like this nobody would ever make any arrangements! ) Hope this doesn't sound too negative - looked at another way, not being bothered about going out at this age can save a lot of hassle , heartache and social media angst.

One other thing I'd say is keep encouraging those extra curricular interests - they really can be useful. if you're worried about the dds being bored in the summer are there any summer courses they could do in them, say for a week? (depends where you live, cost, etc I know!)

Sorry meant to add - seeing friends once a month during termtime sounds fine! Yes it's less than the ones with the rave social lifes, but as you say dteens come in all varieties! Maybe it means the summer is a bit quiet for them, but there can also be advantages in a long break from school friends.

When ds went to a school 7 miles away he never saw friends etc in the holidays but that was partly due to other issues too (he’s autistic). He’s now at a school closer to home and things are much better.

I was a bit like this as most people I knew were bussed to school. It's tricky because as a teen I wanted a more independent social life and started to find organised playdates where we were dependent on parents for a lift a bit awkward. It also meant none of my school friendships transitioned to adult ones although there were a lot of factors there

Not sure what the solution is, it's a tricky age.

Are there any summer camps or courses you could book them on?

We had this. Dd1 went from very sociable and lots of playdates at primary to hardly anything at secondary. It all started to come back y9/10 but friendships now are very different to when we were kids.
Constant online chat etc.

I would talk to your kids and find out if they are actually happy/unhappy before you start worrying.

Normal varies so much! The key is whether your child is happy about it all.

Dd has always gone to a school a bus ride away from home, and her friends likewise and often in the opposite directions.

She has always had a good group of friends, though some of them have changed over the years as is normal.

She had always gone to a specific after school activity elsewhere where different friends have joined her. Still does so that's one evening she always saw some friends.

They didn't really meet up much after school as it always involves parents doing pick ups, apart from sometimes in the summer months where they'd hang out after school at a local park and then go their separate ways - but not late into the evening, especially as there was always homework to do.

At weekends it varied. Dd has always been quite family orientated and would always choose to come with us to visit family, and want us to go away at weekends to visit family and friends further afield, or them to us. So she didn't see friends that much at weekends, unless they were family friends and we were seeing their parents too. But that was her choice. When we were home she'd sometimes meet for cinema and coffee shop stuff, or she'd have sleepovers - but probably no more than once a month.

In school holidays we are usually away so not many meet ups with friends arranged. She will always choose a holiday over staying home and hanging around.

She is sixth form now and does go out more though friends are still spaced out lots around the city. But I wouldn't say loads, especially in the holidays, as she is still choosing to come away on holidays with us in most of them. Her choice - we always give her the option. This may change in the best future by maybe not. Maybe it depends on where we go on holiday!

But she is incredibly happy and secure, without the constant need to be with school friends. And she is very happy in her own company too, and she still lives spending time with family and snails friends.

She sees her friends all day at school and sometimes before and after school, and meets up with them maybe once or twice a month at a weekend, but not so much in holidays.

Thanks. And SoonerthanIthought that is what has happened. I think she has got fed up with being the arranger. I am sure I am worrying needlessly, I just needed to dump my thoughts somewhere as it isn't the sort of thing you share with other friends whose children do seem to have easier social-lives or are a bit more keen to join planned activities where they might not know anyone.

Yes - they are happy and no, they are not lamenting their lack of social opportunities. They choose friends well and aren't involved in much melodrama - now year 7 is over! I should be pleased they like to spend time at home and with us and stop dwelling on perceptions of normal.

They both do an outside club, so aren't exclusively at school or at home. But it is sports and seasonal, so won't be on during the summer months.