Stay or go in secondary - child with high functioning Aspergers

[shelbys]

Hi my first post. My son is in year 8 at a small private school. when he was 5 he was 'diagnosed' with aspergers which presents itself as him being social awkward, quite shy, and lacking in social skills..sometimes blurting out random things...and his voice is a little slow. His primary were no help & he has now gone to small private boys school. We thought there would be geeks there and he might find his people. Turns out tho that it's very sporty...and boys fall into sporty or full on geeks and neither group quite fit him (he enjoys sport but not brilliant) Is academic...lovely with us and very resilient...despite being very isolated... School is not helping and cannot see that there is a problem. I don't know what to do. Should we try and change him for year 9 to a more academic less sporty school....should we try and get back into our much bigger state school.... should we get private help...can social skills really be improved after age 13? Help please, as feeling quite exhausted with trying to find the right thing to do.... sad

Ah I see, yes the 'I'm fine' response - I suppose one question is, is ds basically reasonably happy even though to an outsider it seems a bit lonely, or is he actually miserable? Possibly somewhere in between?

One thing that strikes me is that maybe co-ed would be good for him? Though again you need sufficient numbers to have a better chance of finding someone who clicks with him. Perhaps having a look round the local alternatives 'can't harm' unless of course it would really unsettle him.

The fact that ds goes to lots of outside activities is great though, and may 'see him through'. If he was yr 9 now I'd say perhaps sticking out the next 2 years is best. Yr 8 is longer to go though. I think one difficulty for dparents knowing what to do in this situation is that it can be that it's never quite bad enough to make a move, and then your dc end up staying there for 7 yrs never having really enjoyed it. Very very difficult for you op, reiterating sympathy here! Seeing your dc being blanked is horrible - and yes the 'leave your dc to make their own friendships' advice is not the whole answer when their version of 'it's fine' is as you describe!

A fews thoughts:

1. Whether it is right to move him will depend on what the other options are. This means you need to visit the schools and talk to them about your son's strengths and weaknesses.

1. You have indeed left this very late as presumably you need to give a term's notice. Would it be worthwhile writing to the headmaster / headmistress saying your have some concerns you would like to discuss next term, so, while you have not made any alternative plans, you think it would be prudent to provisionally hand in your notice ahead of a conversation with the schools about supporting your son through the next stage in his education.

1. You are right that some children don't thrive socially because the cohort of children around them just happen not to be a good fit. In this situation a change can provide opportunity. Only you can decide whether this is the case for your son, or whether he is going to have the same experiences elsewhere. Perhaps taster days at other schools would help you and him decide.

1. At his age it is very important that he is involved in any decision to move him. Talk to him about it, make it clear that he can explore other options without committing to them - he can stay where he is.

1. Given what you have written, I think it is understandable that you orchestrate social occasions for your son and it is nice that this classmate's mother is willing to go along with the arrangement. Even if it was a bit awkward, exposure to social situations helps build social skills.

@punksatawney we saw a talk with chris Packham (who as you prob know has ASD) and my biggest takeaway was that he laughed and said that people with ASD often really cannot stand other people with ASD, so don't try and put them together ;) So its a mix I think - and why I am not pursuing necessarily a specific needs school but looking for places where there may be 'like' but doesn't have to be the same. Clubs are hugely important and I am a huge advocate that they fill a lot of gaps

@itsalltooobviousnow up to now a relatively happy man! But we have a supportive family and active life, so he's been pretty cushioned until now when it's up to him to make his way. The trouble with the waiting around until now to panic @genevieva was that we all sat on tenterhooks to see how Year 7 went...and it was ok not brilliant but lots of people will say that boys take a while to warm up (they were all new at his school). So we have waited through year 8...he's done several things with school where I have hoped and hoped that it would lead to some sort of friendships... If I ask him about moving - he will say he doesn't know. Because I wonder whether he is caught up in everything you say above. I have looked at other options, but after everyones very helpful thoughts, what if the situation was worse. And maybe we need to cushion with clubs, a great life outside of school and get to sixth form. The term's fees we would have to pay if and whenever we leave.

I will go and talk to the school though. Thank you for your continued thoughts. Its all been amazing.

Remember just because a State school has bigger resources that doesn't necessarily mean your son would be able to access extra support, my experience of two UK secondary schools with a son with SEN was dire. The bare minimum and if you tried to get more you were made to feel greedy for taking resources from kids with "greater needs".

I’m confused. Is he diagnosed or not? This shouldn’t matter, but will actually make a difference in terms of support / school admissions etc.

Yes I'd agree with talking to the school again - I think realistically they perhaps can't do a huge amount, but apart from anything it's useful to have their observations. I think that the interactions that parents see are not necessarily the same as what happens when the parents aren't there, as parental presence can make all dc self-conscious - so things may be better or worse when you're not there!

The school may also be able to suggest some school clubs or activities where ds could meet 'like minded' people - maybe in different school years, which he may not otherwise get the opportunity to do. It sounds as though ds is good at attending organised activities, which is very helpful in this situation. Are any of his clubs mixed? There might be potential for co-ed friendships which in some ways can be easier.

You may have to explain more to get the school to see that there is a 'problem' - some teachers are very perceptive and see what's 'really happening', but you have to get the right one!

From what you have said, I think you might be better sticking with the small school your son currently attends. It sounds like he is fairly happy. It is a very difficult thing, accepting your child has no school friends and I feel I would do almost anything to try and help solve this ‘problem’ for my son with ASD too. But, actually, I’m beginning to think this is more my ‘problem’ than his. Structure, routine and a calm environment can be so important with ASD, things would have to be terrible for a move to be the best option (eg. bullying or a chaotic/noisy/disruptive environment or no understanding of how to help manage his day so that he ends up with high levels of anxiety). Unless any of these (awful) scenarios are happening, my view would be to leave him where he is. It is fantastic that he is happy attending the external clubs, but you say, he hasn’t developed friendships there, so why would he suddenly develop friendships at a new school?
I hope you don’t think I’m being defeatist but there is so much in your story that reminds me of my own DS, and how his life is unfolding. I too am recognising/sympathising with the ‘I’m fine’ comments - this is also the stock response (to most things!) and in particular in almost exactly the same social situations you describe. Thing is, I’m starting to come round to the idea that, from my son’s point of view, he actually probably is is fine. It just doesn’t look ‘fine’ from my perspective or my particular NT view of life and I feel sad/frustrated about that. (I do keep a good eye out for bullying as like you say, DS wouldn’t necessarily view that as ‘not fine’) But, having attempted (and mostly failed) at all sorts of social engineering over the years (son is now a teenager and has had a diagnosis since year 3/4), although part of me is very raw/upset/concerned, about my son’s lack of friendships (and this has unfortunately continued through different school settings), he is who he is. He is wonderful, kind, funny, intelligent and would make an incredibly good, loyal friend. But I’ve had to accept, that this isn’t his time for that - yet. I’m not saying you need to do this btw - simply, giving my perspective on how I’ve come to live in a sort of peace with the social side of things, given how much of your story resonates with me.
Perhaps it’s worth going through the positives that the current school does offer and evaluating them from the perspective of someone with ASD? Is it a calm/kind environment? Are the teachers responsive to DS’s needs? Does he feel safe there? Are his interests catered for? Is he fulfilled academically? And also, he can always move for sixth form when he is older and more mature if you/he feels a different environment would be a positive choice.
So sorry for lengthy response, and good luck OP!

@railworker great to hear the story of your Ds. I have done battle after and battle with myself about what I regard as fine and what he regards as fine. You are so right and frankly I have been his 'social engineer' for years (although some of this has been quite rightly preparation and forewarning about how a situation might be to make him comfortable).

As you say it isn't my Ds time yet. I remember in primary in year 6 a boy asked him on a playdate that was nothing to do with me and I had a small celebration with myself that it had taken four years to happen. (yes it went well in that instance). The school is great from his point of view in some respects - I think I mentioned - it's much sportier than as advertised (good for boys don't get me wrong) and so a lot of the chat et c is very alpha male etc. There is acting @sherry19 and he has done his best to be part of this - and got a small part in one of the shows - and you are absolutely right that doing more of this would be good - I will look for another acting group which is more specific tho - as I think if he could find his voice and confidence it would make such a difference.

I feel sad like you OP but need to keep going as as you say, sooner or later it will come good and his will find his gang. :)

Shelbys I'm not sure I will be much help but I totally feel your anguish. My son is 11 last year at primary, diagnosed age 6. He has had a failed school place and we moved over 200 miles and placed him back in a school. He has made a few "friends" but we do not.live where he attends school. However he has made one very good friend, in a way I have ever seen in him and he hasn't got into the same secondary school (we are in process of appeal) and we are all a bit scared and a bit panicky by remaining calm on the outside.

What I'm trying to say is i totally get the need I'd the orchestration of friends and that I would definitely go and view some secondary schools to see, because of think he has maybe more chance if finding his people. It is so incredibly important to children like them.
My son's friend is currently on holiday and my son is all out of sorts. I think he is missing him (wow!) But I don't think he understands the feeling properly. He doesn't "get" missing people.
I think sometimes people who don't experience this, can't always see what a massive massive thing it is. Good luck, I hope you find the right place for him

From what you’ve said I’d leave him where he is and keep,up with all the extra curricular activities just to get him out and about . Our ds has HFA diagnosed as a young adult and he struggled with friendships until he went to a mixed sex sixth form grammar ( was private an then single sex grammar before ) and got himself a Saturday job in retail where he then found like minded people to socialise with . The only other thing , if he’s interested is to try horse riding which is a massive confidence / esteem building pastime and horses are so good at listening .

Hi @maxybrown @floralnomad thank you. I think the truth is for anyone with ASD you end up preparing them for scenarios so that they don't panic and that extends to friendships too. I think I do need to back off a bit though. He's going to start air cadets in Sept, I need to pull out my confidence and speak to school again...and let's carry on with activities and keeping all crossed. Its sometimes funny as I feel like a control freak and am not sure whether other people do too - but I have a DD as well and honestly I do not try to manage her life too ;) Horse riding sounds like a great idea. x

Just to add my bit into the mix, my DS has a DX from age 6 he moved to a large state secondary at 11 with statement in place, but then was given too much help and was continually identified as SN, which in turn didn’t really help him with making new friends.
We moved him in year 8 to a very quirky, arty, relaxed private school and did not continue his statement or define him as ASD, we left it to him to choose if he wanted to define himself or not. He made a small but very solid group of friends.
He choose to move to a more conventional larger private school for 6th form, he again made a small group of friend and was happy.
He is due to go to university inSeptember and is looking forward to meeting new people, but I know he is never going to have massive groups of friends, but he only needs a few to be happy.

I do totally understand! And apologies for my dreadful typing in my other post.

I hope you come to a decision that works for you all.

in my experience with our asd child, I'd go to the smallest school you can find. Good luck.

Yes definitely speak to school again after Easter. I'm also going to be sending yet another email to my Ds's school after the holidays too. It fills me with dread every time we send one. We are never sure what their response is going to be.

My ds was like this in the first two years of senior school and never sees anyone in the holidays BUT he now has friends that play with him online and I can hear them all shouting at eachother so they do socialise just not in the ways that we did.

@itscoldouthere brilliant! I think that was my headspace when we sent him to the smaller school @maxybrown I get it ;) when you have something to say it all topples out, I feel like I have outpoured lots of the stuff that has been bothering me for literally years. its incredibly helpful to share stories. @punxsutawney me too, dread dread that I am bothering the norm, but got to do it @christophertracey reassuring and yes bizarrely we are very happy with fort nite in this house as it's opened up communication for us a bit

Interesting to her about fort night, my DS is 18 now, he’s been a gamer for years, it used to really worry me but, I’m now really chilled about it, he plays a tank game and it has really sparked his interest in history, he know so much about WW1 and WW2. He also has a solid group of friends he made online, some of whom he has now met up with in real life. I think it will be a part of his life for ever now and I love hearing him chatting away and laughing. So very different from how I grew up, but he’s happy.