Force teen daughter to switch schools?

[WorriedParent321]

Hello, we have just moved to a house that is a 5 minute walk from our son's very good secondary school. Our 13yo daughter's school is also good, but is 6 miles away. After over a year on the wait list, a place has opened for our daughter at our son's school, but our daughter really, really doesn't want it.

She is shy, and suffers from anxiety and depression and general unhappiness, which we think her current school has somewhat contributed to. She doesn't have any really close friends, but she has the expected fears about leaving the friends she does have and trying to find new ones in already established friendship circles at a new school.

On the one hand, we think that our son's school is better in general, and it is closer, and there is the hope that she would make better friends there and be happier. On the other hand, moving a child that doesn't want to move and is not good at making friends could make her emotional condition much worse.

We want to move her, but are terrified it could go horribly wrong. On top of this, we only have a day to decide. Does anyone have any similar type of experience that might help us decide what to do?

I changed high schools halfway through my second year. Whilst I settled and made some friends I never really felt like I belonged. My old friends moved on and I really think it affected my confidence and this has had a effect on my whole life.

I've always said unless no choice is never move mine in high school. I have in primary school but wouldn't in high. Sorry not to be more positive.

I think seeing as she hasn’t made any really close friends it might be worth the move.

Ideally she would be on side though. Is there anything that might make her more comfortable about the idea? Does she have any particular hobbies or activities she could do at the new school to build her confidence? Good luck

What year is your DD (there are stages in secondary school where year groups naturally mix up and new friendships form)? What subjects does she like/do well in and does either school have better facilities for those subjects? Is your DS older or younger than your DD - if older would he help her transition to the new school (she might get initial kudos if her brother is cool/good-looking/popular and she knows some of his friends). Does the new school have good pastoral care and would take positive steps to help her settle?

From the outside I would say that moving her from somewhere she is not really happy to somewhere she might be happy would be a good thing. However, you know best how stressed she will be by moving and you want to listen to her opinions. It's hard as parents when we feel/know that we know best but removing control from your daughter won't help her confidence.

I presume she is in a pre-GCSE year or you wouldn't even be considering this? We found that DC friendships changed a lot when they started KS4 (which was Y9 at our school), simply because the range of DC they mixed with in lessons changed dramatically. Of course, this will depend on the number of options available! If there aren't many, it may make no difference at all.

@Monstermissy36, thanks, this is exactly what we are worried about, making a change that might permanently negatively affect her. But we also feel like we need to try to make things better for her.

@GinUnicorn, she's very good academically, but unfortunately she doesn't have any hobbies beyond snapchat and instagram. We couldn't convince her to join any clubs.

@Crabbyandproudofit, she's in year 9, and they did mix the classes up a bit this year, which did help a little. Her favourite subjects are Arts and English, I don't think the facilities differ much between the schools, they are both very good. The other thing I forgot to mention is she is at an all-girls school, so the idea of moving to a mixed school adds to her anxiety. DS is younger and unfortunately also not very good socially (although he doesn't suffer from anxiety or depression). The new school does have good pastoral care. We are going in tomorrow to give her a tour of the school, so hopefully the form head can put our minds at ease.

Thank you all for your feedback.

It's so hard... when I moved my ds in primary school I agonised over it for ages before and after! I think she should be onboard tho or it may affect your relationship later etc if it's a bad move.

I was all for my move and it was still tough...

I moved dd schools in December and after an initial rocky start she seems to be doing much better in the new school. She's made friends that are local so she also has interactions with them outside of school, her time off for random 'illness' has drastically reduced and she seems overall happier

I moved one of my DD due to bullying, she was apprehensive and it was difficult at first but she did settle and joined a few activities and has made friends when she was 12 that she still has 12 years later. It was a very hard decision but I know now the best thing we could've done. You need to show your DD you are there to support her, I would try and find an activity other than SM and build her confidence socially.

Hmmm tricky. I’d say in year 9 it would be a hood time to move in year 10 as new cleanses options etc. Then she would have to stay put.

If she is worried about the boys now surely staying in all girls will increase her social anxiety on this issue by the time she leaves there. This way she can make positive relations with the opposite sex by the time she enters the work place or uni.

Agghhh classes not cleanses

She really does not need to move. Why? She’s not doing badly, not bullied and is making progress. My DDs went to girls schools and you really don’t need boys to thrive post school! If she’s worried about a move, don’t make her. It just isn’t worth it and there will be 6th form opportunities if she would like to move then. Some girls prefer to be around girls!

Do either of these schools have 6th form?If not she would have to move to a mixed environment then anyway.
If you are going to move her now is a good time as GCSE choices are made and all classes change too.

Do you think things might change again in year 10? Classes are normally streamed so she might meet other academically-minded girls if she is in the top sets, things normally start to settle down friendship wise at about this time too.

Does she know anyone at all in the new school?

It’s so hard to know what to do for the best, I would be reluctant to move her when she is so against it but also hope she might be won over tomorrow by the prospect of a fresh start. Good luck with whatever you/she decides.

Totally different circumstances op as my ds was being bullied in year 7 at a school 5 miles away and he started at a nearer school at the end of June in year 7.

He's now weeks away from his GCSE's and is devastated to leave and go to 6th form college ( school doesn't have 6th form ) as he has fitted in from day one and has loved every minute. My gut instinct was right to move him when I did. Listen to yours

I’d move her. She isn’t completely happy and hasn’t madd close friendships. Being a 5 minute walk from her (new) school will be a big benefit socially; she can easily have friends over.

Moving in Y9 is a good time to go from an all girls to a go-Ed school. Better now than at 6th Form.

But she has to actually make new friends. You won’t have anyone over if you don’t make new friends! She’s arriving when friendships have formed. She might be on the outside for years. It depends on other friendship groups letting her in and the boys won’t be interested in friendships at this age. This is clearly a worry for her. At least she is realising her current school isn’t bad and sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know! Also frindshiops do change when they get into GCSE groups and find like minded pupils.