really angry and upset

[michele61]

My daughter is in year 8 and has had a very bad year with anxiety, which she is getting help for, but it is very slow going. She has had to leave maths classes on many occasions because she gets panic attacks. Today, the maths assistant said to her "The only reason you haven't been excluded is that you are white and middle class and you know the system." He said this to a 13 year old girl. She doesn't even know what the system is. This was so innapropriate and I am so stressed with the whole situation that I fired off an angry e mail to the pastoral care person, and I swore in it, referring to an effing class warrior with a chip on his shoulder saying unhelpful things to my kid. Her head of year said that she might have to go to a special needs school for troubled children. She said this without discussing it with me. She has had a hard year, but she has mainly had problems in two subjects ( in terms of not getting to lessons) and I don't think that is grounds for special needs, compared with some other kids. I know I should not have sworn in that e mail, but I am so, so upset and at a loss as to what to do. Any ideas?

Sorry to hear what has happened, think I would have responded in a similar way though! My sister has similar issues with her ds (same age) so I can sympathize with what's going on. It is very worrying and draining. My nephew has benefitted from having a "mentor" assingned to him that helps him get to and from things more easily. She has also had special needs thrown at her, where it is really an anxiety/confidence thing. From my experience with that though, (I work in infants schools with SN children) very little can be without your permission. HTH

I would suggest you make a formal complaint to governors anout this. Have you considered cams at all? I wouldnt go down the route of special school as you may find there are all sorts of reasons for other pupils going there from anxiety to inappropriate behaviour etc.

As a former sec. teacher, I'd suggest you write a letter to the head of year, and CC it to the Head. Ask for an appt to speak to her/him.

Your daughter cannot be sent to a special school without your agreement- and they have to be grounds to go to a special school- either behavioural (extreme) or learning problems.

What seems to have happened here is that a silly comment by a TA has made a situation worse then it should be.

It would also be apporpriate for you to say sorry for the swearing, which is understandable, but not going to get you what you want if you just antagonise the school.

It seems to be a case where better communication in person would help, rather than everyone firing off emails and allowing emotions to run high!

Many thanks for your thoughts. Will certainly apologise for language. yes. she is seeing someone in CAMHs but it is very slow going and her ( therapist) remit is CBT but my kid does not respond to it. No medication is available or apppropriate for anxiety, ( for kids) they have stuff for depression but even that is very questionable and would only consider it if she stopped functioning. They just don't know how to deal with it ( the school) which is fair enough, they don't have the knowledge or training, but special school in our borough usually means kids with very severe behavioural problems, which would aggravate anxiety. I really, really appreciate all the feedback. It can be so very isolating, when all her peers seem to be having a great time and doing well.

How are things today, any better?

I think this is outrageous. What is the learning assistant trying to do?

If any of LA said that to one of my students ESPECIALLY if she was a nervous type. I would pass it on to senior management. I think it is awful

michele61,

Sorry to hear about your daughter's difficulties. I was wondering if you'd tried her on cod liver oil supplements? I work in adult mental health and have recently read reports where fish oils are being used to treat anxiety/depression in adults. As your daughter hasn't been prescribed meds, this may be worth trying.
If your dd doesn't respond to CBT, why are they not trying an alternative model of therapy? Have you discussed this with the therapist? Another form of therapy which is very successful is called Solution Focused Brief therapy which essentially looks at solutions to problems rather than focusing on the problems themselves. What part of the country are you in? I could give you a name of a Solution Focused therapist in the London/Essex borders if you want.

Best of luck with dealing with the school, it definitely sounds like an issue for the Head to deal with.

What is the input from the SENCO/learning support department in your school? Becuase your daughter does have special educational needs, and should be getting help and support like any other child who has problems which impact on their school experience.

And the TA is likely to be in a lot of trouble I suspect.

This was an inappropriate thing for any TA to say let alone to a child who has high anxiety levels. At my school there are a team of mentors attatched to each year/house group. These are fantastic and we have had one child who, in year 7, flatly refused to attend school due to massive anxiety (he has aspergers as well). He has been gradually reintroduced via his mentor so that now he is in year 8 is nearly attending full time and is doing really well. Is there any similar system?

The head of care or year person is talking out of their hat. Having just battled to get my son into a gorgeous special school which is a for a wide range of students of normal cognative ability who do the full range of secondary subjects but who have a variety of specific difficulties from Aspergers to Dyslexia and dysrpaxia (often accompanied, like my son, with massive anxiety problems), no LEA will send a child to a special school willingly as it costs them so much money. The school may want to send her to one but frankly as she isn't statemented and unless she does something mega dangerous its not going to happen. They are just saying this as a way of saying 'we can't cope and its not our fault' It sounds to me like your daughter is coping well. What are her reasons for not wanting to go into Maths and the other subject? Perhaps those can be addressed gradually once she is in year 9.

All the best. I know its really hard when your child is so stressed that its having a full blown panic attack and people seem to be rather unaccepting of this in children and are far too ready to blame it on parents cause that's the easy option rather than thinking outside the box (yuck expression but can't think of another) to tackle it.

Hi,

Many thanks for all your thoughts. We wrote a letter to the TA who apologised to her and the head of maths apologised to us. He did say it was totally inappropriate and it was said in frustration. But prior to this episode both he and my daughter said they had a good relationship so I will leave the matter closed now.

One consequence of the anxiety is that she has done very badly academically this year ( year 8) so much so that I simply do not want to see her final report, because I will brood on it, and coupled with her anxiety is a sort of laziness and lack of motivation and frankly ( this sounds so harsh to say about your own kid) a lack of ability. But not special needs. She is the sort of kid who, if she grafts, which she doesn't , she could get what we used to call C grades, though it is all levels and numbers now . Part of me really wants to back off, I have been a sort of hovering parent who supervises homework, does all this reminding, pleads with her to revise ( she doesn't) and none of it has worked and all of it has depressed me and made me feel jealous of parents whose kids are naturally bright and or very self motivated. I see how ugly that looks in print but it is the truth. I have been advised by a mental health worker ( for children) that I should back right off as it is really negatively affecting my relationship with my child. It is always me asking for stuff that is not going to happen. But it is REALLY HARD to throw up hands and admit that I have no contol of how she does in school. It feels like giving up, but I can't see a middle way, a way to be sort of involved, but not get so distressed when she doesn't try. She does have a maths tutor, but we can't afford a tutor for all the subjects she needs help in. She has no passions, no hobbies, but she does like to hang out with her friends and this gives her pleasure and comfort to some extent. It is the right thing to say all I want is for her to be happy, but deep down, I want for her to be a success in something, more to the point to be passionate about something, or to do well in something. She is a great singer, for example, but won't join choir or lessons or anything. Michele

Very sorry to hear about your dd - you must be really worried about her.

Do you know what triggers her anxiety? Would moving her to a dfferent school (not SN) help?

Is she scared that she is falling behind her peers? Would tuition that none of them know about outside school help?

Hanging out with your friends is a pretty common 'hobby' for 12/13 year olds

I have talked to many parents who have the same difficulties as you coming to terms with the revised expectations for their children in secondary school. And it is also hard because parents are just not as involved in secondary education. As a secondary school teacher, my ds starting primary school was a shock for me in terms of the level of parental involvement expected.

I would it down with her and her report, pick out and focus on all the positive things (and there will be positive things in it) and leave the rest. Let her read the rest and I expect it will have more impact on her if you don't make an issue over it. The she can legitimately (in her own mind) get annoyed about you having a go at her, and ignore what is actually written.

Hope things get better.

Goosey,

I think her anxiety is what is called free floating, though if she has a panic attack in one situation, she tends to form a habit of it in similar situations. I understand this. There are sometimes triggers and some anticipatory anxiety going on, but much of it seems random. It can happen at home, but it rarely does. We all know ( even she knows) that sweets make it worse, but she does not have the self discpline to not have them. All I can do is not buy them, but she can. She is small and slim and having a later puberty than most of her friends (I was the same) but she is starting to get curves so I am factoring in hormones and that effect, but the problem existed way before this. Thanks again for your comments, Michele