At my wits end with DS and his attitude to school

[user20]

Hi all,

So my DS is 17 y/o and has Aspergers, he is currently in upper sixth form doing his A levels.

He is a very intelligent person having attained 4 As, 1B and 2 Cs in his GCSEs.

Basically, he is not achieving his full potential, I don't know what's got into him. Last year he just got very lazy from being so hard working during his GCSEs.

His attendance was 62% by the end of last year (his attendance has never ever gone below 90% at all in his school life up until the last year) and he got 3 Ds in his AS's which isn't too bad considering he was never in school much and barely did any work if any at all.

He did say last year that he felt depressed but I don't think it's true as he was still able to function normally and do everything he used to do, I don't know if that's just an excuse! Last year the school bent over backwards to support him, allowing him to go home on his free periods even though he already had poor attendance, he did no work when he went home.

Once he got his AS results in August he knew he had done wrong and promised he would get his head down this year but history has repeated itself.

His school should have kicked him out at the very start of this nonsense so they have been very good in allowing him to stay this long but his dad and I were called in before February mid term and they said they would be reviewing his attendance every 2 weeks.

He has still failed to improve his attendance from then, he is months behind in all his coursework and he's even had to drop a subject and is considering only doing one subject now!

I don't know what to do, he keeps saying he has mental health issues and that he just can't make himself go to school and do any work but the thing is all he does is sit and listen to music, he can still function and he seems happy enough generally so he can't be that depressed.

I hate to say this but at this late stage I don't think he'll have a chance of passing any exams, it's a shame as he could have done so well and I know he could have gone to uni in September but now all that's down the drain.

He keeps saying he never asked for this to happen nor did he plan or know it was going to happen.

I don't know what to do!

I think he needs to see a doctor and get help for how he's feeling.

I often look like I'm functioning just fine, but it couldn't be further from the truth at times and I am drowning in MH problems. I'm also autistic.

It sounds like he doesn't know who to approach for help, maybe you could suggest a GP appointment?

Incidentally I bombed all my exams at school because my parents put an enormous amount of pressure on me and I couldn't cope so I withdrew completely.

I was fine on my own in my room, but anything else was impossible to cope with.

I don't think you can ever dismiss someone's claims of depression

What does he want to do? Does he want to get help, see a GP, get counselling or something?

Does he actually want to go to Uni?

@Babygrey7

Before sixth form he had planned to do well in his a levels and go to uni to study law, he said he wants to do well in life and have a good salary but he just can't bring himself to do work.

I forgot to mention in my original post, but he goes to CAMHS and was on fluoxetine but he has stopped as he said he's fine (it was only given to him for ocd)

He has told me he feels that nobody likes likes him (that's not true) and he keeps thinking about if he died and imagining how everybody afterwards and imagines himself in bad situations e.g car accidents (maybe this is because he would want to know how people would react to see whether they care or not about him)

He also doesn't really do much when he's not at school, lies around in his pyjamas to god knows what time and only gets washed late in the day

He has told me he feels that nobody likes likes him (that's not true)

It's irrelevant if it's true or not, it's how he feels. Please don't dismiss it.

and he keeps thinking about if he died and imagining how everybody afterwards and imagines himself in bad situations e.g car accidents (maybe this is because he would want to know how people would react to see whether they care or not about him)

And you question if he's depressed?

Please OP, get him some help.

He also doesn't really do much when he's not at school, lies around in his pyjamas to god knows what time and only gets washed late in the day

Lethargy and poor hygiene are often indicators of depression

Sounds anxious and down, was he with CAMhs?

Sorry, I just saw that he was, can he go back to them?

His mental health is much more important than school work.
Get him to a doctor and if needed get him to forget A Levels and Uni for a while. You can do A Levels at any age
He doesn't have to do them now.

He sounds depressed to me OP, it’s such a big change in personality I can’t see it being for no reason. Him talking about dying, saying he feels like nobody likes him, sleeping in, not showering and distancing himself from school really indicated depression. Can you get him back into CAMHS or down to the doctors?

OP- he is obviously depressed. He needs to go to the doctor ASAP.

And stop telling him that he isn’t feeling what he’s feeling.

This all sound very typical of a child with autism who is under pressure. He may have done well during his GCSEs but A levels are an entirely different ballgame for NT kids, let along those who are ND.
Start with your GP but please seek advice from your local autism charity as well, as they will have seen this many times before. There are also a lot of facebook groups who could advise as well.

I hope you can get some help for him. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but with those GCSE grades he was likely to find the new A levels difficult anyway and the low attendance will have compounded it. There is so much content. When he feels better you can look again at course choice.

Did him coming off the fluoxetine coincide with him feeling like this?

Poor boy, it does sound as if he is having a crisis of confidence / depression or something..

I know people repeat Yr 12 sometimes, I have no idea if it is possible to repeat Yr 13? To give him breathing space with the pressure off?

and he keeps thinking about if he died and imagining how everybody afterwards and imagines himself in bad situations e.g car accidents (maybe this is because he would want to know how people would react to see whether they care or not about him)

this is my anxiety symptoms to the letter, i would stop saying he is not depressed as to me it appears that he is in one form or another, i can function very well even during extreme periods of depression but i can also come across a very lazy as my brain will not allow me to concentrate or complete a particular task.