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Secondary education

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Original poster

I can't get DD to school

28 replies

TheNightIsForever · 27/02/2019 08:28

DD (11). Every couple of weeks she 'doesn't feel well' and nothing I do or say can get her to school. It changes days every couple of months. After Christmas it was every other Tuesday. Now it seems its going to be Wednesday.

We've tried to pinpoint if it's a specific lesson she's avoiding, she says there's no bullying or any other reason just the fact that she doesn't feel well.

She has pastoral support once a week in case there is anything troubling her. I've sat her down to try chatting to see if there's anything causing her to not want to go. She's been to the doctors and they say she's not ill. I've given her a notebook just in case she prefers to write to me rather than talking. Said if it's due to PE I can get her excused from it rather than missing whole days but she does seem to like PE.
I've tried everything to get her to go, screaming and shouting, reasoning, bribing etc even the threat of me possibly going to prison doesn't phase her at all.

I'm struggling with what to do next. She's currently laid in bed feigning a tummy ache and will stay up there all day now on and off.

OP posts:
NC4Now · 27/02/2019 08:31

Are you working with school? It needs to be a combined effort. It’s really hard - my DS is a bit of a school refuser at times (ASD) and I always have to contact someone at school to help me get him in.

Original poster
TheNightIsForever · 27/02/2019 08:34

School have never tried to help me get her there. I just ring and leave a message to say she's refusing 😔 I'm honestly at a loss at the minute.

I asked her dad (we're separated) if he could have a chat with her but that just ended up with him telling me I'm a crap parent if I can't even get her to school

OP posts:
Mumof1andacat · 27/02/2019 08:36

Contact the school and ask for a meeting, gp appointment and see if you can get a referral to camhs for support

OrangeSamphire · 27/02/2019 08:38

I’ve been there OP and it’s so hard.

There is a brilliant Facebook group called Not Fine In School. You will have to request to join. It is full of thousands of parents who have dealt with the same thing and some really excellent advice.

Original poster
TheNightIsForever · 27/02/2019 08:58

Thanks everyone I'll speak to school again and look at the Facebook group.

Just been up to chat to her and she says she just doesn't like school. I've told her she at least has to try and make the effort to go she can't just keep pretending to be ill. She nodded and made the usual yes mum but that's usually the case.

OP posts:
Soursprout · 27/02/2019 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2019 09:29

What's the repercussions if she doesn't go op? Losss of privileges, a day of study at home, chores? If she just gets to lay about in bed, then you can maybe see why she'd prefer it...,

IncrediblySadToo · 27/02/2019 09:32

Ask the school what is different on that day. It might be a job share teacher, an assembly, a personal care talk, all kinds of things. If it’s a set day then there must be something.

Is she having the pastoral care session because of the refusing or another reason? What day is that? Does she like going or not? It could be tied into either avoiding that or making sure she still gets it?

Then I’d say to her that this has to stop. That you’re happy to talk to her about anything that’s making her unhappy and help her find a way to resolve it either with or without your help, but she will be going to school every day. End of.

Is she already at Senior School or will she be going up in Sept? Can you see if she wants to change schools?

Then take her. If that means getting her in the car in her PJ’s then that’s what you do.

She has to learn that it’s not ok to just not go. That she can confide in you if there’s an actual problem and you’ll help, but she’s going if all she can do is say ‘I don’t like it’.

PooFlower · 27/02/2019 09:39

@Bluntness10
You are way off the mark there. My daughter is similar. When she doesn't go to school I remove all tech and she stays in bed all day in the dark crying.
Are you suggesting that most children would prefer to do that rather than being at school with their friends!

OP the facebook group suggested above is fab. There is always a reason usually anxiety or an undiagnosed SEN. Girls especially can slip through the net and things become apparent when they start high school.

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2019 09:43

Are you suggesting that most children would prefer to do that rather than being at school with their friends!

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm suggesting, I never wrote it or implied it, but yeah, you nailed it, Hmm

PooFlower · 27/02/2019 09:43

@incrediblySadToo would you suggest the same treatment for an adult struggling to attend work? Go round and drag them i to work in their PJs? Or would you suggest they see their G.P as they might be suffering from anxiety or depression.

reallyanotherone · 27/02/2019 09:46

Do you work?

Home schooling as an interim measure? Or internet learning?

PooFlower · 27/02/2019 09:55

@Bluntness100 do you actually have children? Would you really think they were just being lazy if they did this for a full school day, sometimes a full school week. Would you not be concerned about their mental health?
It is not normal at all for a child to prefer a full day in bed in the dark tears to going to school. I don't mean a duvet day with films and ice-cream. I am talking about a child alone crying in the dark for 6+ hours and nothing will entice them out of their room.

I pushed my daughter to attend school at all costs and she ended up suicidal and we have since found out that she had undiagnosed sen. There is always a reason for school refusal.
All behaviour is communication as parents we need to get to the bottom of what is causing it.

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2019 10:04

WTAF? If you want to fight, go elsewhere, I asked a question. It was valid, And you've no idea why this child is refusing school and if she is like yours. And yes, I do have a child.

I'm not responding to you further because you're being a total twat.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/02/2019 10:11

pooflower. I’m very sorry about your DD, but we were talking about the OP’s DD, not yours. She’s refusing one regular day and she’s not spending her day in the dark crying. Also, try reading what else I wrote & suggested.

I understand it’s a difficult topic for you and I’m truly sorry about your DD, but if you can’t see that not every situation is the same, then maybe you should avoid these threads for your own well-being 🌷

Original poster
TheNightIsForever · 27/02/2019 10:51

She does loose all tech etc.
The pastoral meeting is actually on a Tuesday but the day of feeling poorly used to be a Monday so I'm pretty sure it's not that. The pastoral leader is only there on a Tuesday so I'll be ringing to speak to her then.

DD is in year 7 and moved schools 3 weeks before Christmas term because we moved to a new area, BUT this happened at the old school too so it cannot be put down to changing schools solely.

She expressed wanting to be home schooled but it's something I'm not willing to do, I have other children to think of too and as soon as DD doesn't 'have' to go to school I will have a massive battle on my hands.

My car is currently off the road but even when I offered to drive her there that didn't help. I've physically tried dragging her out of bed, I've pleaded, I've yelled, I've broken down with sheer frustration.

The gp says there is nothing wrong with her. She has a shitty temper, always has but I wouldn't say she has SN

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 27/02/2019 10:58

Do you know if she does talk to the PC?

As it’s the day after she wants off, I wonder if she’s feeling embarrassed that others know she’s done that or overwhelmed by having opened up to the PC? The Monday might have been anxiety about the Tuesday?

The regular day thing has to have a trigger.

GP’s aren’t known for their helpfulness at getting SEN diagnosed. Have you researched Autism in girls?

PooFlower · 27/02/2019 11:00

Thank you @incrediblySadToo. You are probably right it is too close to home and I will bow out. I just don't want another child to go what my daughter went through.

@Bluntness10 you are the one eyerolling and namecalling. As another poster suggested this is too close to home so I am bowing out.

@TheNightisForever good luck in your meeting. Try and get some support in place for your daughter if you can so it doesn't escalate. As another poster suggested, go through the school day and see if there is a pattern. It could be something really simple that she is avoiding.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/02/2019 11:03

I can understand you not wanting to HS as the others will want to stay home too, but that aside, it’s not the best solution for DD until/unless you know what’s causing the problem. If you have a child that’s being bullied & nothing is resolving it then its a good option, but not until you know what the problem is and if it can be resolved in a better way.

Her Dad is a real prize isn’t he. Wanker.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/02/2019 11:07

Pooflower

It’s totally understandable that you don’t want another child to go through what your DD has (or parent like you has). But it’s probsbly still too raw for you right now to be on threads like this. Take care 🌷

Original poster
TheNightIsForever · 27/02/2019 11:10

The pastoral meetings only started a few weeks ago, this has been going on for months. I am really trying hard to pinpoint what it could be. We spoken about being open and honest and being able to chat to me about anything. I've told her if it's a specific lesson /teacher /pupil then we can get something sorted but she's adamant there's no real reason other than she doesn't want to go

OP posts:
ohmywhattodo · 27/02/2019 11:26

Please use the Facebook group - we know exactly what you’re going through!!

@bluntness100 if you don’t mind my bluntness I tried your way with my first experience of school refusal with my now almost 15yr olds ds - he now has PTSD from being forced to school and he is NOT - I repeat NOT unusual in what happens when you punish a child for a problem they haven’t caused and for having anxiety based school refusal. Thank GOD I ddI things differently with a younger sibling who returned successfully to school - still struggles as she has ASD but is going to school regularly!!

Original poster
TheNightIsForever · 27/02/2019 11:28

I've requested to join the group, thank you

OP posts:
Redcliff · 27/02/2019 11:38

I was a school refuser at the same age. My school was very academic and I had undiagnosed dislexia (which I found out at 22) - no one would have guessed as I was great at hiding it. I did change schools which was helpful but the thing my parents did that helped the most was a reward system- so go to school with no breaks for 4 weeks and you can have x,y or z (for me it was a new record- showing my age !).

I now have a great life - well paid job, managed to get a professional qualification ect so it hasn't had a massive impact but can see how horrible it must be for you.

Whyisitallsostressful · 27/02/2019 13:24

Could you work with the school (and your DD) to maybe have her committing to going into school part time?
I know a couple of children that were feeling totally overwhelmed with school life and knowing that they were only going to have to get through mornings and go at lunch, or perhaps try to make it on Monday - Wednesday, was very helpful to them.
I wonder as well, whether the school might be able to provide her with a quiet space somewhere that she could go if she did feel like it was all getting too much? She could work out a system of exactly what elements of school she did feel able to cope with & then opt out when she felt like it was too much.
Best of luck, what a horrible situation for both of you xx

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