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Secondary education

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Original poster

A-levels and a funeral

23 replies

AdoraBell · 20/02/2019 17:59

If your DC in lower 6th doing A-levels would attand a family funeral how many days would they take off school to avoid messing up their studying?

My issue is MIL has passed away, very sad, but DH wants DDs to be off school for 3 day. I think this fecking ridiculous given the amount of work they have.

TIA

OP posts:
clary · 20/02/2019 18:05

I personally would want them to miss the minimum in a exam year. A friend's mum sadly died and her son in yr 11 was only off the day of the funeral.

Is this going to be a long way away? Even so I'd take the hit if a long journey each way in one day (unless it's in somewhere really far flung).

Original poster
AdoraBell · 20/02/2019 18:13

Not very far flung, Somerset to Kent and back. Due to timing I agreed to an overnight, which would mean 2 days. One had 2 days sick recently and missed highly pertinent lessons, it’s been an effort to catch up.

Thanks for your answer.

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ButEmilylovedhim · 20/02/2019 18:19

I missed my uncle's funeral when I was in the lower sixth because I didn't want to miss the lessons. I would have been away 2 days maybe. I've always regretted it and I was in bits on the day of the funeral anyway so staying behind did no good really. If your DD was at all close to your MIL I would really consider her going too to say goodbye and be with the rest of the family. Sorry for your loss, a very sad time.

clary · 20/02/2019 18:21

An overnight doesn't even mean two days, you could go after school at 3.30 and be there by late evening. That's what I would do.

Original poster
AdoraBell · 20/02/2019 18:31

I would too Clary, but DH is insisting on leaving in the morning, the day before the funeral. I know that’s the underlying issue but I wanted opinions from parents of DC at this level of education because I did get that far.

As it’s his mother that has died unexpectedly I am being extremely patient atm, but I don’t want to risk putting DC under too much pressure.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdoraBell · 20/02/2019 18:32

I didn’t get that far. I left at 16.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdoraBell · 20/02/2019 18:56

Thank you ButEmily. I’m sorry you we’re badly affected by missing your uncle’s funeral.

I’m not proposing that my DC should miss this funeral, and they were not close because PIL are/were abusive. I’m also not trying to block DH from attending either. I just want to support DC with their workload at this stage. If it was last year it wouldn’t be an issue.

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MsAwesomeDragon · 20/02/2019 19:04

I'm a teacher. I see pupils missing school for all sorts of reasons and a grandparents funeral is one of the best reasons possible.

I would let them miss the full 3 days. Yes it will be tricky to catch up, but that's ok, there's plenty of time if they're only in lower sixth (if you mean upper sixth then I'd probably stick to 2 days). A day to get there, the day of the funeral, a day to come back seems reasonable to me. That's what I did when I needed to go to my grandma's funeral. DD was in year 11 at the time, quite close to her exams, she missed the 3 days of school. It's important that family and mourning are allowed and school doesn't take priority over that.

I wish you and your family all the best, whichever way you decide. Flowers

flumpybear · 20/02/2019 19:06

He's got to think of his kids - leave the night before and drive back after funeral

ButEmilylovedhim · 20/02/2019 19:38

If the PIL are/were abusive, then that might change things. But then of course, everything can still be very upsetting but possibly in a different way. I would think about whether it would be better to be together as your nuclear family to support each other or whether your dc will be unaffected and will be fine to be left at home. Work-wise I would have thought there is time to catch up as dc are in year 12 at the moment, but you know your dc best. I would go on how your dc feels, and how going or not might affect others in the family. If they do go, it might be best to shave some time off the trip, if possible to minimise time missed, but not the end of the world I would think. Hope it all works out for the best.

NellyBarney · 20/02/2019 19:39

Could you go in separate cars? DH gets to spend more time with his family, you and dd just get there in time for funeral and leave again same day? Also school should help specifying work that needs doing while away - could be done in the car?

Somethingsmellsnice · 20/02/2019 20:25

Or train for you and Dd

KittyMcKitty · 20/02/2019 20:40

He’s year 12? So A levels in 18 months or so. I would miss the 3 days. I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

KittyMcKitty · 20/02/2019 20:43

^ I have a child in year 11 and would take them out for 3 days for a grandparents funeral.

AornisHades · 20/02/2019 20:47

I had a month off in the first year of A Levels for an operation.
I'd let them go for 3 days.

KittyMcKitty · 20/02/2019 20:47

As it’s his mother that has died unexpectedly I am being extremely patient atm, but I don’t want to risk putting DC under too much pressure

I’m sorry this is your dh’s mother who has died unexpectedly. Show your husband some compassion please. He is in shock and grieving.

Haggisfish · 20/02/2019 20:48

Go separately surely?

Muddysnowdrop · 20/02/2019 20:52

Teacher here and i would have no problem with three days absence. Your dh needs this, and it won't affect her education in the grand scheme of things.
I thought you meant the funeral was on the day of her exam!

Muddysnowdrop · 20/02/2019 21:00

The fact he didnt have a good mother doesnt mean he won't need to grieve - it might make it worse actually

Original poster
AdoraBell · 20/02/2019 22:13

Kitty I am being compassionate, but I need to balance his needs and the DC’s needs. He is at his oarent’s house now and has spent about two weeks out of the last three weeks with them. MIL passed away last week. I know that he is in shock, I’ve been there when my father died, also unexpectedly. Also, I am showing him a lot more compassion than he showed me when father passed away.

Haggis I don’t have a driving license and we can’t afford train fares. I know I need to get a driving license, I just haven’t had the head space. Also, because none of his immediate family has empathy he will not cope without me there when he arrives. That makes him sound weak and he really isn’t, but both FIL and BIL took the opportunity to stick the knife in while MIL was in hospital and DH was waiting to see her. I’m certain he will tell me what his father and brother have said,accused him of this week when he gets home. He did last week.

Muddy I understand that. My father was abusive and his death stirred up some surprising, not to mention conflicting, emotions.

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Muddysnowdrop · 20/02/2019 22:55

As far as I can see the only two teachers who have posted have said three days isn’t a problem from our perspective. I would take worrying about the school side out of the equation.

BarbarianMum · 21/02/2019 20:40

Could you travel there and back by train? Then your dd could study on the journey.

Original poster
AdoraBell · 21/02/2019 21:10

Barbarian we can’t afford the train fare, especially after DH going back and forth the last few weeks. He’s racked up 2,000 miles already and will likey continue visiting to support his DF.

We’ve sorted it now, he’s seen the light and realised that’ll be best to go after school the day before, so that will mean 2 days off school.

Thanks to everyone for your input.

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