Coping with ASD & anxiety in secondary school

[Mynci]

DD started secondary school in September. She has ASD, dyspraxia and school related anxiety and has an EHCP. She was under CAMHs for a while but now discharged, she sees the school counsellor weekly at the moment.

She really struggled last term, and the school put quite a bit of support in place. She is now doing better, acedemically at least. Her behaviour is good, she is quiet and well-behaved in class. She gets lots of behaviour points for lateness (not in the morning, late to individual lessons) and for homework issues, or forgotten equipment. She isn't doing this delibrately, she is trying very hard to be organised, and I'm trying my best to support her at home, but she finds it VERY difficult due to her dyspraxia which affects her organisational and time keeping skills massively.

Her anxiety is horrendous at the moment. She feels constantly sick, says she feels like she can't breathe, it feels like there's something in her throat, everything hurts. She comes in from school every day, and immediately gets into her pyjamas and either lies in bed or on the sofa under a blanket and is completely unable to do much else. She is supposed to go to a couple of after school clubs but we keep getting phone calls to pick her up as she's feeling too ill to go. She can't eat much during the week because she feels so sick. She has lost weight since September and I had to buy smaller school skirts at Xmas as the ones I bought in August are now too big :(

The problem is the school don't see any of this. Despite feeling so awful she sits there quietly, and the most she'll ever do is politely put her hand up and tell the teacher she feels sick.

Is there anything I can realisically ask the school to do to help her cope with her anxiety? As I mentioned she already sees the school counsellor. I've asked for an exit pass, but they said no to that, and I can understand why as she might miss a lot of lessons. They recommended a traffic light system instead, but DD refused to use it as it marks her as 'different'. She said people will stare at her. She's terrified that people will find out she has autism (even though it's probably quite obvious!).

I'm so worried she's going to burn out pretty soon if her anxiety isn't managed well now. Unfortunately she is a difficult child to help, as she's so resistent to anything that makes her different, and help in general really :( Has anyone got any tips, or suggestions that I can mention to the school?

Yes you organise a meeting to discuss why reasonable adjustments aren't being made. She shouldn't be being punished for being unorganised and you'd like to know what measures they're going to take to address it if they won't give her a pass. I'm going through the same myself at the moment and really fired off about how teachers are being extremely unreasonable.
When was the last EHCP review done?

Last EHCP review was in November. They've stopped giving her detentions for forgetting stuff or being late. Now it's just behaviour points - they get points for good behaviour and negative points for bad behaviour - the points can be saved up and swopped for things. DD is only aware of them because they're on the homework app. They aren't causing the anxiety but they probably don't help.

Forredshoes - we have already done number 1) unfortunately DD has a mind of her own and has decided that autism is something is not a good thing and is something to be ashamed of. No evidence to the contrary will change her mind. Unfortunately she is also an 11 year old girl - they're like fucking sheep, none of them want to be the different one!

She won't attend drama class or any other class - this has been an ongoing issue since she was about 5. She doesn't like classes because she doesn't like being told what to do. She is a bit demand avoidant. She attends a friendship club on a weekend which is just activities like bowling and cinema. She can cope with that as long as it's an activity she can tolerate. The after school clubs were suggested by school to help her make friends, she actually enjoys them when she isn't too anxious to attend, but hasn't made any friends yet :(

We have bought her a book on anxiety already, it's difficult to get her to engage with any of the activities though. I have being showing her some stuff online about anxiety and fight, flight, freeze and submit and she engaged with that better. She has been taught the 54321 method by her counsellor, but says it makes her more stressed because she's trying to think of 5 things she can see etc, whilst also keeping up with the lesson!

Lots of reasonable adjustments are already being made for her. She's still very anxious, so just wondering what else I can ask for?

Also when she was under CAMHS they did adapted CBT will her, but she wouldn't fully engage with that either!

Had a look at the DARE book on amazon - it's is way too complex for her. She'd need one aimed at children really.

I think I'd lead with the being late to lessons in the school day, and ask the SENCo what reasons he/she thinks DD is being late - is there a pattern and what can be done to help DD get there on time.

I think you can get communication bracelets that are fairly discreet. Or if the school has planners would she tolerate some kind of communication thing stuck in there that she can discreetly show the teacher.

Would she go through the subjects she does and rate them in some way? I think if you can unpick any she finds v difficult it might be easier to ask for targeted support.

The weight loss must be a worry. Do you think she'd manage to eat at school if a quieter area was made available to her?

Fwiw my eldest is 13, was dx with ASD when he was 3. He goes through phases of denying he has ASD, embracing it totally, being down about it or just not giving it a second thought.

I think I'd lead with the being late to lessons in the school day, and ask the SENCo what reasons he/she thinks DD is being late
I've already had this discussion with SENCO and we know why she's being late, and one of their solutions was for a TA to accompany her between lessons. However, DD wasn't happy with this and was calling the TA "my stalker" (not to her face)!! Other solution was for her to keep her stuff in the SEN room instead of using the locker but DD refused to do this too. You can see what I mean when I say she isn't easy to help!!!!

The wristband is an excellent idea though, I've just asked DD and she said she'd be ok with that. So I've just emailed to ask if that would be allowed.

The weight loss is a worry although I think that's plateaued now. She sits in the library at lunch and eats there, it's fairly quiet. She has a poor appetite anyway, and obviously any anxiety makes that worse.

I have a look at that app, thanks fourredshoes

DS1 really doesn't tolerate 1:1 he feels it's an attempt to "make him weird"! He's also pretty rigid so change a routine, even if would mean he'd have a more positive outcome if he did it, is something he struggles with. He's now in an ASD base and they manage to support him without him getting all wound up about it, but primary was a different story!

it's a hard balance. I think sometimes offering an anxious child a choice just means they'll automatically say no. Do you think the SEN room idea could work? I wonder if it was framed as a direction "you've had x amount of lates so now you will store your stuff here" with being shown exactly where it will be, that she can access it at the times she needs it takes some responsibility off her IYSWIM. But of course you have to weigh that against it causing more distress.

I have a stale mate with DS1 over his taxi journey. His driver sings/whistles/changes the radio and DS1 hates it. But he won't take his phone and headphones (I even bought a hat with built in wifi speakers!) so I've said until he tries to do something, I won't ask the taxi driver if he could tone it down a bit. Because I feel he could try something.

Haha I think our children would get on Dobbins

I think they've tried being strict with her and insisting on certain things - she just argues and then starts sobbing hysterically and then everyone backs off!

Does DD enjoy being talked at incessantly conversation about communism? That's the current topic of choice here

It is still early days with secondary, it's a big change I think it took DS1 a good 1.5/2 terms to settle. I think all you can do is what you're doing, monitor it and keep in contact with the SENCo.

Oh dear.... maybe they're not destined to be besties after all Dobbins

She might enjoy his rants thoughts on the education system, and how some children just don't fit in to it