Ability and recognition

[Lemoncurd]

My eldest is very academically able, top of class, aiming for 8's/9's.

Younger one not so much, still bright, but his primary classmates did much better academically, he doesn't seem to test very well, more average scores.

Throughout school (more noticeably when they have had the same teachers), the more academic one seems to have had less positive feedback even though she achieves much better results. At times they have been quite critical.
The younger one seems to be very highly spoken of, painted as some kind of wonder child, he has such confidence in his abilities, always thinks he is top of the class. This is great and we are so proud of them both but on the academic evidence it doesn't seem quite right, he still doesn't do anywhere near as well as his sister at the same age, didn't make it into top set maths etc.

My question really is, why the criticism and suggestions for improvement for the more academic one but nothing for the younger one?

It feels like it has really affected her confidence and self esteem. She is quiet and wouldn't step a foot wrong - would be mortified if she ever got told off, so it isn't down to bad behaviour. She has felt upset about going to school for years and it got to the stage where she was crying several times a week in lessons. Is now having therapy for anxiety and depression.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Is there more pressure on higher achievers and a focus on building up those who are not always achieving so well?

I think that high achievers can sometimes put pressure on themselves as their sense of self can get tied to high achievement and then they get worried about not achieving iyswim? Sometimes I think people forget to encourage and praise the high achievers because it isn't so obvious they need it.

Whereas my struggler DD needs all the encouragement she can get just to get through the week and the small amount of h/w she gets. Every lesson is hard, but the effect of praise and encouragement is so obvious that most teachers realise it is needed.

I'm a teaching and I am always praising every single child regardless of ability as long as they're trying their best.
However, if I have a really high achiever in my class, I will stretch them as much as possible to get the most out of it. If I have a lower achiever, I will spend a bit more time encouraging them so that they too have the ability and motivation to achieve

I have to agree that the more academic students do tend to be the quieter ones coincidentally. There are 2 amazing girls in my class, they get 8/9s in every test yet they are silent, its really important that teachers don't forget about the silent students and encourage them too

I'd drop an e-mail to see if you can either phone or arrange to meet someone (SLT member in charge of teaching and learning, or head of year, or form tutor) and ask them if they can give more encouragement and praise to DC due to them feeling a bit unmotivated and stressed. Mental health is huge in schools at the minute so I have no doubt they will listen to you and help you and DD.

Communication is key and unfortunately when a teacher has 100 + children to look after its easy to miss signs that someone isn't feeling how they should. Definitely raise it with the school and they will be more than happy to help

Good luck to you and your family you sound like an incredibly supportive parent

I am a teacher* that went off to a good start

In both my children’s schools, it always seems to have been the pupils who have tried hard, or did particularly well for their particular abilities...that have been applauded or recognised in some way. My very able youngest, often gets top of the class, but never gets acknowledged in any way. And it does it upset her, I don’t know why they do it. Soon they’ll be doling our awards for just turning up to school every day...oh hang on a minute..they already do!

there is a lot of evidence that teachers on average notice boys more and give them more attention and praise. Girls tend to get overlooked whereas boys can say the same thing and be considered brilliant. The same happens in my family where my few male cousins were considered "gifted" by their parents while their equally or more able sisters were overlooked. They haven't done any better than their sisters and turned out not to be gifted.

Anyway, I have two daughters, so can compare based on ability not gender in a more objective manner. The "hard working, bright but not spectacular one" gets quite generic feedback from teachers, always all fine but nothing enthusiastic. My younger very clearly very able DD (top of class in everything, noticeably ahead of peers even at a selective private school) gets brilliant teacher feedback and reports, they definitely notice her much more. They do give her much harder work, so she has to work hard as well, but she can see that none of her peers do anything similar and struggle with questions that she finds incredibly easy, so she has become very confident as a result.

I would think that the more able children generally will get more positive feedback, but the boy - girl unfairness will overshadow this by far!

and I wanted to add, well done OP for noticing this! Because I have many friends also who think their son is brilliant and their daughter is average, freaks me out every time, even parents do this to their own daughters.

Definitely a boy girl thing.

It's such a strange situation, obviously we want them both to be the best they can. It's great that the younger one gets his confidence boosted (we always worried that the opposite would happen given he didn't achieve such high results) but at the same time it feels like it's almost doing him a disservice- he thinks he is great so doesn't work as hard!

@pouraglasshalffull thanks Daughter is now getting a lot of support from school, she's been meeting with the pastoral team at least once a week for the last year. They have put measures in place to help in lessons (she can leave if she gets upset or anxious etc). She seems so much better than she was but still seems to worry about getting particular results.

Interesting point about girls re boys, we have another younger boy but the age gap is greater so hadn't really noticed a contrast in the same way. He has a similar sharpness to his sister though, but like his brother, is more confident in his abilities.

I have two boys. My youngest is academically able and always gets praised. My oldest is intelligent but not so academic (highly knowledgable but slow processing). He worked very hard at his projects last year and they didn’t even get acknowledged, whereas the other boys who didn’t put in anywhere near as much effort were highly praised. So there’s an argument for boys vs boys. I don’t think it’s a girl vs boy thing. Sometimes I think perhaps the teachers thinks he’s had help with his homework and that’s why they ignore him, or they don’t like to praise him, so the others don’t get dissuaded. Other than that I have no answers.