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Secondary education

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Boys attending top independent schools and playing console games at home

61 replies

dadap · 28/12/2018 15:08

Hi not sure if the title is what it should be but here goes. My son will start a top academic London boys school Yr 7 in September. He is very bright, curious, loves sport and has a genuine thirst for learning - and the school is a very good fit for him. He is also very excited about joining. He plays sports twice a week outside of school and music once a week. However my dilemma is that he plays a lot of and excessive amount of online games when he is home - this is only school holidays and weekends. We don't have any screens on a school day - but I worry that when he starts his new school he may have problems keeping up with the work. If you have boys who are very academic and succeeding but also play online games please share what works for you - similarly please tell me if this is a problem / concern for your family and what your plans are to tackle it. TIA

OP posts:
WickedGoodDoge · 28/12/2018 17:46

DS(16) is at a selective private school (and yes, we knew before Christmas that he would be attending the following August) and he loves gaming. It hasn’t been a problem. No gaming on weekdays and mostly late afternoon/evening/night gaming at weekends and holidays.

Most of his friends are scattered about a wide geographical area and this is one of the main ways they socialise.

During prelims and exams, DS has two hours of gaming in the morning, followed by studying for the rest of the day. It works for him (straight A student).

OhTheRoses · 28/12/2018 17:47

Hmm. DS attended a top independent. He also loved computer games. Sometimes too much; sometimes he needed to get his nose to the grindstone. Sometimes he didn't listen. Sometimes they need to switch off. Ultimately he needed to mature a bit and learn to self regulate which they can't do without some freedom. we disabled the internet gateway at Easter during his GCSE year.

He matured and took a first at Oxford. The boys who got into difficulties at uni were the ones who were v controlled and hadn't learned to self regulate.

You guide, you advise, you feed their favourite meals and generally encourage. You can't change their fundamental personalities and some are natural grafters and some aren't. But they are all our sons and they all need unconditional love and acceptance from their parents.

dadap · 28/12/2018 17:52

Houseofgoldandbones thanks for this info - that's Good to know -

For those who asked console is not in bedroom

Sethis - I wouldn't be so worried if he spent this amount of extra time on sport or other hobbies no - it would be a yay from me. But he does spend a lot of time on sport anyway - it's just that gaming for long periods can be so very solitary and appear to be a bit zoned out. And I'm not sure what they have to show at the end of it- compared to for e.g 5 hours painting, or reading.

OP posts:
TalkinPeace · 28/12/2018 17:54

it's just that gaming for long periods can be so very solitary and appear to be a bit zoned out.
but they are not solitary
they are playing against their friends
chatting constantly
DS made me get him a microphone for xmas so he can use his phone to message while chatting to multiple friends on the game
loopy in my mind but he loves it

dadap · 28/12/2018 17:55

Ontheroses I hear you- I will bear this in mind - somebody else mentioned self-regulation so that will be my focus.

OP posts:
dadap · 28/12/2018 17:59

Talkinpeace - he is still YR 6 so hasn't got into playing online with friends yet - so at the moment he only plays with friends who come for play dates or on his own so usually on his own

OP posts:
MarchingFrogs · 28/12/2018 18:02

However my dilemma is that he plays a lot of and excessive amount of online games when he is home - this is only school holidays and weekends. We don't have any screens on a school day

So he might well find that he's actually quite hard done by in comparison with some of his classmates, tbh. Our three attend / have attended academically selective schools, albeit not in the 'independent', nor yet 'London' category, but I'm willing to bet that there will be the odd parent who considers their DS mature enough to be allowed a fair amount of latitude re out of school activities, with the proviso that what has to be done must take precedence. Surely if he's that bright, he will be able to understand that secondary school will mean a step up, school- and homework wise, something will have to give to accommodate it and sport is generally better for us than gaming?

Is he at boarding school at the moment (re your when he is home - this is only school holidays and weekends)? If so, I suppose it might be more difficult to loosen the idea that 'being home = as much screen time as I want'.

NonaGrey · 28/12/2018 18:09

During term time, all homework, sport and out of school activities have to be completed before any game playing. No exceptions.

This ^^ and we have no rules around screen time. The children self regulate.

As for what they get out of gaming? There are a variety of cognitive benefits.

Problem solving, enhances memory, improves coordination, improves concentration, develops strategic thinking etc.

I don’t personally play computer games but that doesn’t mean they are worthless.

LesLavandes · 28/12/2018 18:14

Stop worrying. They all do it! But eventually grow up a little and it stops being quite so important. He will be exhausted after school. Rest assured, they are all at it😀

Oblomov18 · 28/12/2018 18:18

Just adjust.

Ds1 can play x box all the time if he chooses. He knows the rules:

So long as: does all homework, football kit and gym kit are put in the wash, still meets mates and goes to all parties, gets top grades, no trouble at school, room neat and tidy, polite, not tired or answering back, gets off when we ask.

When anything lapses. X box goes off.

Works ok. Trouble is, he's getting top grades and playing for ages!! Grin

yikesanotherbooboo · 28/12/2018 18:40

My DS could be said to be at this type of school. He gets very little homework but if has any he does it before gaming. It seems to me that his friends all have similar rules as he plays with them. I don't have to lay the law down as he doesn't want to do badly or to get into trouble so he is happy to finish prep first.

goodbyestranger · 28/12/2018 19:39

OP DS2 and DS3 now aged 21 and 22 have played on their x box for as long as I can remember and I didn't institute any rules, and didn't insist or even suggest that they did their homework before playing when they came back from school. In fact I'd tend towards the opposite: that they benefit from unwinding after school before starting homework. Anyhow, my view is that it's up to the DC in question. Both DS2 and DS3 did fine and got Oxford firsts and are still playing on the x box (even today: both went out to lunch with respective friends, came back, one played for a bit and is now working (I think!) for an exam he has next week and the other is still playing. They're both still doing fine. MN mothers seem to lay down incredibly strict guidelines and I'm not at all sure it's for the best. Each to their own however.

Sethis · 29/12/2018 02:09

it's just that gaming for long periods can be so very solitary and appear to be a bit zoned out. And I'm not sure what they have to show at the end of it- compared to for e.g 5 hours painting, or reading.

The same can be said for listening to music. Or watching films.

What exactly do you think someone has to show for 5 hours of reading that is demonstrable or quantifiable?

Like any other hobby, gaming is a way to relax, enjoy yourself, and reject reality for a bit. It's no more harmful than any other, and is more beneficial than many. Here's a few:

  • Exposure to historical/mythological/ethical topics
  • Increased fine motor skills and reflexes
  • Better problem solving and lateral thinking skills
  • Increased social capital i.e. he can instantly talk to other kids his own age about something they have in common
  • A hobby that can be done solo or shared with other people equally easily

Look into games like The Turing Test, Talos Principle and Portal if you want non-violent games that demonstrably benefit his lateral thinking skills. Things like Civilization or Age of Empires to increase his knowledge of classical history and so on. Not all games are mindlessly violent, any more than all films are Hostel or Saw.

rhubarbisevil · 29/12/2018 12:03

Without wishing to stealth boast, I know many, many top executives who spend their downtime glued to the PS4/Xbox. It didn’t/doesn’t do them any harm.

TonTonMacoute · 29/12/2018 13:12

I think many of us wish our DCs didn't spend so much time gaming but the genie is well and truly out of the bottle, it is part of modern life, and the DCs have to learn to manage the amount of time they spend doing it.

My DS was at Eton and loves gaming, as do many of his friends. His cousin was at Westminster and was exactly the same. He is now home from uni and he still spends time playing in the holidays. It has never got in the way of his studies and other school activities.

ChristopherTracy · 29/12/2018 14:55

Yeah I wouldn't worry either. My ds is allowed to play all evening after his homework but he is socialising shouting at with a big group of mates which I would rather he did in the house where I know where he is than out on the high street.

Once he starts going out in the evening I will look back on it as a golden time of less worry.

marytuda · 29/12/2018 15:22

Are those of us without DC at Top Academic Independent School allowed to voice opinion?? Wink OP I do think your title rather snobbily implies that of course this is not an issue for children at Ordinary Schools since they never get any homework/do extra-curricular anyway; heavens darling! They probably spend most of the school day on games consoles! Grin
Right, having got that off chest ..I have DS in Y7 and have gone on a bit of a journey with this screen time thing (as in so many other areas tbh).
Few years back I would definitely have agreed with the earlier posters here; Just Remove it, Be a Parent, No screens during the week, All tasks completed first (best of all never get a console at all etc etc.) And indeed, when DS was younger I did take a pretty firm line. But distracting him - with trip to park, train set etc- was fairly easy (and cheap) then, plus what he wanted to do on screen - basically CBeebies plus - much more limited.
Like you OP I would have considered just about Anything- reading (of course) but also sport, any kind of playing out, Lego, messy or soft play - a preferable use of his time. And there’s still little doubt in my mind that unlimited screen time from early age will negatively impact most boys’ inclination to pick up a book or anything else. You have to turn it off to get results, obvs . . Especially when they are little.
However when it comes to prepubescent gaming obsession I have come round to the views expressed by sethis, goodbyestranger .. . Much teenage gaming may be mindless violence but the more I engage myself the more I can see that an awful lot of it is much more than that. But even if it were . . To be able to work hard at school kids really do need (mindless) downtime at home!
Plus there’s the self-regulation point . . learning to take responsibility for own progress is a huge part of what secondary school is about imo. They can’t do that without being granted some freedom to abuse!
So here’s what we do:
DS gets home anytime between 4 and 6 depending on extra-curricular . . Straight off, he’ll (demand food and) start gaming . . I have mixed feelings, part of me would like him to work first, but I agree with goodbyestranger that it is a part of winding down/chilling out. Before hour is up - earlier if already 6 - he’ll have explained to me what he has to do this evening and when he reckons it is happening. And on the whole, it does. . Frequently between tasks he’ll give himself another little gaming holiday but (with my help) keeps his eye on that clock. It’s my only fixed rule; all homework, practice and screens done by 8pm.
My hope/anticipation is that fairly soon I won’t need to check schedule at all, can just trust him to get on with it by himself . . He’ll get more homework, probably, but I work on assumption that he wants to do well at school, do it adequately and on time. All he needs help with at this stage is scheduling.
From this school year he has had a computer in his bedroom- another former resolution of mine up the spout. But it is used for homework as much as gaming, during term time anyway.
So that’s it, all subject to review as the years pass. Finally, I have to ask myself. . I grew up with virtually no screens at all, even reception of the very few tv channels available then (early 1970s) was touch and go where we lived . . And yes I did become fairly voracious reader, as I still am. But do I think kids today dimmer, less creative, less clued up intellectually emotionally and every other way than we were at the same age? No, no, and absolutely not. On the contrary, the ones I know would have left us standing, mouths agape . .

Rogueone · 29/12/2018 15:28

My DS hasn’t learned how to self regulate yet. We had to remove his Xbox after his first term at secondary as he would still be on it late at night and his home work would be done in a rush. The school he is at has high standards and he can be asked to leave if he does not keep up. So we will monitor closely and work with him to develop a better balance

Starlight456 · 29/12/2018 16:10

I think there is often an assumption that all children can self regulate because others can .

My Ds has Adhd . So while I have to set firm boundaries . It works.

I also agree with the poster that said that children need down time.

rabbitmat · 29/12/2018 16:15

My DS goes to a very academic school and gets a lot of homework. I let him play when he gets home because he is desperate for some down time. He tends to try to get a lot of homework done at the weekends. He does too much gaming for my liking but his reports are good so I let him do it.

Glaciferous · 29/12/2018 17:10

DD goes to a very academic school, is in Y7, and gets very little homework, maybe about half an hour a day or so. It might not really be an issue. I am completely happy for her to play games (either on her phone or her Wii) after she's done music practice and homework. Everyone needs some downtime. Not everything I do is improving in some way, either!

OhTheRoses · 29/12/2018 17:40

DS had homework and got on with it. Some boys spent hours on it and were tutored and struggled. Often DS did the bare minimum to scrape into 2nd top set until 6th form. TBH he barely had to do a hand's turn to keep up so it's all relative.

bifflediffle · 29/12/2018 17:47

Mine didn't go to a top indie in London but "Have you finished your homework? No? Well, get upstairs and get it done. Now." worked for me.

I am ancient and spent HOURS holed up in my room, reading not homeworking. If it wasn't the console it would be something else.

dadap · 29/12/2018 19:23

Thank you ALL for your responses I have some really helpful examples to think on. For those of you who are abit upset about the title - he would be going to a school where if he didn't perform he would be asked to leave - so that's why I was looking for advice where boys are at these type of schools. I appreciate all of your responses and I'm happy that those who are not at said schools also responded. Smile

OP posts:
bifflediffle · 29/12/2018 19:30

You don't have to be at a top London indie to be asked to leave if you don't perform Hmm

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