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Secondary education

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Bullying - he said/she said

14 replies

PetraDelphiki · 02/12/2018 17:26

Looking for advice please! How should a school/club deal with a situation where a child (A) says they are being bullied by child B but child B claims that A started it?

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 02/12/2018 20:31

If they are both sniping at each other then the kid who is claiming that they are being bullied needs to be told to report each time rather than retaliate as it makes it very difficult to untangle otherwise. They also need to be advised to stay away from each other.

If one is genuinely bullying the other then after that it should be clear what’s going on when it continues and is one-sided.

Sometimes kids mistake ‘we don’t get along with each other’ for ‘he’s bullying me’.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/12/2018 22:00

The problem is that sometimes child A is bullying child B by reporting it. If the school is made aware the only thing they can really do is monitor it.

PetraDelphiki · 02/12/2018 22:26

its really worrying that one can continually get the other in trouble by claiming the other did something ....A is terrified of B (who is 3 years older, bigger and prone to threaten violence) but B knows how to play this to make A look like the baddy :-(

OP posts:
Witchend · 02/12/2018 23:14

Being older and bigger doesn't necessarily mean they're not being bullied by the younger one.

Bullying by accusing another of bullying is something that does happen, I've seen it a number of times.

What you can ask/request happens is that they are kept apart as much as possible and closely monitored so they can be observed and the teacher see what the situation.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/12/2018 06:56

PetraD

Some forms of bullying are insidious and are not easy for the school to deal with.

This is one of those forms, he said, she said, mates back mates. Unless the bully can be caught doing something very little can be done.

I feel for anyone in this sort of situation.

Malaco · 04/12/2018 17:50

Hopefully the form tutors of A and B would be able to use their previous experience of them. Eg. If one was a known troublemaker and one had never been any trouble.

ASauvignonADay · 04/12/2018 20:53

Are there any witnesses? These are usually crucial to "he said, she said". Is there history for either child?

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/12/2018 06:33

(Malaco*
If one was a known troublemaker and one had never been any trouble.

That doesn't always mean that the "known" troublemaker is the bully and the other is not.

Malaco · 05/12/2018 09:47

Well I'm not a teacher, so it doesn't make any difference to any child what I think but if a child who was 3 years older, bigger and had a history of bullying and threatening violence took a dislike to a younger, smaller child who had no such history and accused them of bullying, I would hope they would use this information as part of their investigation rather than just take the bully's word for it and punish the smaller one for being a bully.

Malaco · 05/12/2018 10:45

On the other hand a different scenario might be that the older child was vulnerable and tended to threaten violence when goaded and that the younger child might be a piece of work who was goading the older/vulnerable child. Who knows?

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/12/2018 19:05

Malaco

Not so easy is it.

Malaco · 05/12/2018 19:22

No, not if you know nothing about the kids involved like I don't.

1Regret · 05/12/2018 20:30

I was bullied for a while by a younger child. Her year group went out of assembly before mine and she would double back and hide behind the curtains and then when I walked past, she would pop out and sneer or hiss or say something horrible. I never reported it. The girl behind me (we were alphabetical) saw and just said to me that she didn't understand why it was happening. Eventually the bully grew bored with it and gave up. I don't really know why she picked on me and although I think I can remember her name and face now, I'm not totally sure, so wouldn't like to accuse anyone, and anyway, I'm 52 years old now! I've been through much worse than that since.

Naem · 05/12/2018 22:11

In my experience "no, I was the one who was being bullied" is the classic response of the bully when the bullied tries to report. It puts the bullied on the defensive, and means they feel they will never be believed. It was one of the main reasons my DS felt he couldn't report bullying at his primary school, and didn't want me to.
The only times we were able to tackle the bullies were:
a) they were all in a car (DS, a couple of bullies, a couple of other kids) being driven by a parent where English is not their native language (to and from football), and the bullies figured that the parent wouldn't understand what they were saying. The parent didn't feel their English was strong enough to interfere and stop the bullying, but understood quite enough to be able to confirm to me that in fact it was the bullies who were bullying DS, and it was awful. Knowing this, I emailed the mother of the main one, and, guess what, he claimed that DS had bullied him. But because I had anticipated that, and had already spoken to the parent driving, and knew he would back me up, that lie was exposed.
The only other time was when one bully tried to cyberbully DS, without knowing that all emails to DS were automatically forward to me, so I just sent them straight to the parent. Again the bully (different one this time), tried to claim that DS had done it, but I had email evidence and he could produce no trace of it.
And when some bullies tried to bully DD in Year 3, again when it was reported their immediate response was that she was bullying them. As they were only Year 3, their lies weren't very good, and we were able to point out to the head that what they were claiming made no sense - they tried to bully DD becuse she had run out of class first at break and got one of the pieces of playground equipment (a tricycle) they wanted, and so they tried to pinch her, and then claimed she had pinched them first - somehow while still holding on to the tricylee in circumstances that made no sense. We were able to point this out to the head, but DD had to go through a whole inquisition about the feasibility about her pinching other kids while simultaneously on a tricycle.
I have therefore concluded from these incidents that the first and automatic response of bullies is to claim that the other person started it, even when that is physically impossible, and even when they are very young. They have worked out that this is the best way to try and level the field if accused of bullying, and put the bullied through even more hell.

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