15 year old teenager daughter wont go to school

[Rebk14]

Hi just seeing if anyone can give me some advice as we are at our wits end as what to do anymore. Our daughter who is in her last year at high school now, absolutely hates school, we've had ongoing issues for the past year or so now and if anything it's been getting worse. It started off with her having a few fallouts with a few girls which we went in to school about it, and it seems to of been resolved. We noticed she had started feeling really anxious and getting worked up about school, and being in social environments so we was referred to Cahms who's she's been seeing for the past 8 months or so now. The Cahms sessions seemed to of helped her for a while and they said she has social anxiety so we've had numerous meetings with the school to make changes to help her with it and her learning. The school have been really good with doing what Cahms have asked them to do like letting her do half days for a while, giving her her own room to do her mock exams, as being in a big crowd of people makes her ten times worse. It seems that she's ok for a few days then it's a constant battle to get her to go in to school where some mornings we are so frustrated it ends up in a big shouting match and she will just refuse to come out if her room. I'm constantly on the phone to the teachers and having meetings with the school but we just aren't getting anywhere, it's like she has this big phobia of going in at all now. It was that bad the other day that we told school that's it now we are pulling her out as feel like we are just going round in circles. My worry is that she's in her last year and her gcse exams will be coming up soon and I want her to do well, but her anxiety when she's at school is stopping her from concentrating on her learning. I'm waiting for the school to get back to me on where we go from here. Any advice would be really appreciated as feel like we are lost as to what to do anymore😟

It has a technical name, "school refusal".
I don't have advice (I had a plain truant), but in your situation, could you get homework or syllabus guidance from teachers, to try to keep up academically at home?
What does she want to do after end of yr11? Could that target help motivate her to try to do her best?

Hi thank you I've rang the school a few times and still waiting for them to get back to me they said about getting early intervention involved which is basically people outside of school, to see where we go from there, but worried as to how long this will take. She's always been into music which she has taken as one of her options. She's just had her progress report back and she got her results from her mock exams and she got B's and C's in some subjects. I just don't want her falling behind with it all while she's out of school, but when she was going in she was having panic attacks and refusing to go in all the time x

Has she seen a psychiatrist at Camhs? It may be that she can take anti-anxiety medication, which could help her getting into school.

The school sound like they are being helpful and flexible.

I’m on a great fb closed group called “Not fine in school”
It’s really helping me with my dd who is also 15 and in yr 10.
She has severe anxiety that hasn’t improved in 2 years.
Cbt with camhs has helped me to help her but she can’t use the tools very well because she’s is so anxious.
It’s so hard supporting her.
Pm me if you need to chat.

School refusal is a recognised mental health issue and therefore comes under the flag of medical need

If your dd can't attend school due to her mental health and misses 15 consecutive days then she should be referred, by her school, to the medical needs teaching service

She isn't choosing not to go to school and shouting, as you've already realised, will not help nor will removing her tech, turning off the wifi or making home not a nice place to be
She needs time and her mental health is so much more important than her gcse results

School refusal is really hard as a parent because working with your child goes against everything we are conditioned to believe in regards to school, it can be incredibly isolating and you will be met by professionals who hold their hands up and say 'I don't know what to do'

There are many very supportive online groups -you will be amazed at how many young people and their families are affected and for many school refusal is the first sign to the school that there are any issues at all -keep talking to camhs, be led by them, not the school

Is something like interhigh a possibility for your family (there are other similar set ups now as well). I know some school refusers who have blossomed there.
interhigh.co.uk/?gclid=CjwKCAjwsfreBRB9EiwAikSUHQgIGsk36fq52SlogrFYUe6V0bVdrJtXOvnEsY2bim9E2C7FxiKHZxoCFe0QAvD_BwE

Dunno why the link is so long! www.interhigh.co.uk should do it. Looks like they have an open evening next week. (Never experienced the school myself but it was my backup plan for anxious ds3 if secondary went tits up).

Thank you for all your advice we haven't seen a phychiatrist yet but I will get back in touch with Cahms to see where we go from here. A few people have mentioned about homeschooling, but I honestly don't know where to start plus we are both working and just as sad as it us don't have the time. Does anyone know who I can speak to fir extra advice about her schoolwork and exams, as feel like waiting for the school to get back could take some time😕

I have known schools fund homeschooling for pupils. So I would be aiming for at least this, (usually via the National Extension College or Oxford Learning I think) The other really important thing is to get the school to agree that she can sit her exams there.

On top of this if she can have email support from teachers, it would be helpful.

But all of this is only really relevant if she wants to do her GCSEs and can cope with exams. If she really isn't in a fit state to do them then she may need to catch up via college later.

I’m surprised the school hasn’t referred her to Education Welfare yet. In my LA they are great at dealing with this issue. They can also refer to home-based tutoring (it’s called Access to Education here). If she s sensible and wants to learn the tutors can come to you or you can arrange to meet in the local Iibrary or youth centre.

I wouldn’t have thought you need early help if there are no other issues.

Don’t pull her out of school if neither of you can be at home during the day to support her.

Whatever you do don't call it school refusal. Professionals (usually the la who are guarding the purse strings!) will then start claiming it's a choice blah blah blah!

It's school phobia. She's afraid of being in the school environment as she can't cope.

This is a SEND issue. Speak to SEN team and ask them what alternate provision the have because your DD cannot manage a large school environment and needs specialist teaching in an appropriate environment. Get CAMHs on board and get this in writing from them.
Get all the information from the school about what has been out in place.

Look at IPSEA website about applying for EHCP. The la are responsible for providing the educational environment she needs under education act. All children are entitled to a FT education.

Do not deregister. Then you become electively home Ed and the la and schools responsibilities no longer exist.

There is no point shouting and forcing her. Inter high was going to be one of my suggestions along side a medical school or therapy school.

It's a good time to find out the law and what LA responsibilities are. Ignore their long winded excuses and focus on "this is what dd is entitled to under x act. Please inform me in 5 working days how you are going to fulfil your legal duties with regards this".

Good luck. I've had ds in this situation and is now flourishing with an EHCP in another school.

If you pull her out you will get less support.

Are her teachers setting her work to do at home, if so then keep up with that for the time being.
I had a friend who’s daughter had similar issues with her daughter. Fortunately she kept up with her school work at home though she barely attended. She ended up doing well. Then she moved to college for 6th form and thrived, she was like a totally different person!

Thank you for the helpful advice I really appreciate it, as I think people think it's a case of her just being lazy and not wanting to go in. She will just completely shut down sometimes and clam up shaking when I've asked her to go in, and the schools interest has mainly been trying to get her to go in. I don't think people realise at times that I cannot physically pick her up and drag her into school in that state. I'm going to get back in touch with Cahms tomorrow and update them on what's been going on and get in touch with the links you have just shown me x

can't help with what do you do school wise but please look up the Thrive programme by Rob Kelly. I am not in any way associated with it, I have just seen it have good effects and it makes a lot of sense to me. It hasn't cured me of my problems but it has helped immensely. Basically it works on changing thought processes. different to cognitive behavrioural therapy and it works on balancing social anxiety, desire for control and something else the name of which has just completely escaped my mind (late night - very tired). Worth a google. Doesn't address the immediate school issue but might really help long term for her.

Is she being bullied?
Are you keeping an eye on smart phone discussions?
Having seen some of the things said on teens whatasapp groups I’d hazard a guess she is getting some stick.
Can you downgrade her to a Nokia? Sounds ridiculous it it stops some groups.
Online WhatsApp group bullying is super common and schools cannot do much about it since all the kids have smartphones and unfettered access going unchecked.
It won’t resolve your problem but it might help.

My son has been refusing to go to school since year 7! I have been to court 2ce, both times i got a 12 month probation order and £80 fine. He terrorises me and my daughter (age 10), calles us vile names and only thinks about himself. Ive took everything off him to try to get him to go to school but nothing wirks. I think im gonna pull him out of school, hes not gonna go in but i dont want him to blame me in time to come?

Maybe only take a couple of GCSEs or take them next year? Sounds like she has had a stressful year with her medical/mental health problems.