Secondary application

[Moshmoshi]

We has a choice of 3 schools which we thought were all acceptable for our Y6 DS. We chose the school that we thought was best for him for several reasons: better GCSEs, clubs he'd like to do, good facilities, better ofsted, better choices for GCSE and his friends are also going.

The friendship thing was important as it has taken him a while to make this group of friends and I think it will give him more confidence starting Y7. I know friendships may well change though.

We have explained all our reasons for choosing this school (except friendship as I don't want him to think we think he can't make friends and he is really unhappy. He keeps saying he wants the other schools, particularly the one his older sibling goes to.

He has been crying and shouting and trying to insist we change (deadline is midnight tonight.) He has form for this kind of behaviour, he has several aspects of ASD(not diagnosed)and finds change and not getting his own way/things not happening as he thought very difficult. He is also a glass half empty kind of thinker!

I am not planning to change the choices. If he is totally miserable we can move him after a term or so as there will almost certainly be spare places at all 3 schools. I haven't really mentioned this to him as I would be concerned he would make himself miserable out of sheer stubbornness!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and it all turned out ok or am I deluding myself and should listen to him. I just think just turned 11 is too young to know what is best. Is it worth having a 'working day' look around our first choice school with him or would he just make himself see everything as 'boring.'

Why is the other school good enough for his sibling but not for him?

I think that's what he thinks too AveEldon! If that was the only choice I would be fine with it but the fact is that DS1's school has declined over the past couple of years (GCSE results still ok though and DS1 happy and doing well there) and the other school has massively improved. There seems a real commitment to improvement in teaching and results and communication with parents than at DS1's school. DS1 is doing well but it seems the quality of teaching is variable. I feel the other school is now better than DS1's in lots of ways. I don't want to move DS1 though as I think that would be counterproductive as he is now Y9.

The clubs available at chosen school would suit DS2 better as well. Also DS1 super confident and sociable so was fine being the only one from primary going to that school, one concern I have is that DS2 would take a long time to find/make a friendship group if he didn't know anyone. His current friendship group has only come together in the last year.

Meh, different schools suit different DC so where his sibling goes is irrelevant.

11 is too young to make such an important decision. I agree friends are important, and a shy DC will struggle not knowing anyone. I'd stick with your decision. Yes, looking round is a good idea. Yes, you can always move him if he ended up miserable. I would breezily 'big up' the school, and emphasise that he will be with his friends - friendships become increasingly important at this age. Maybe subtly 'big up' the school with his mates so if he has them round, aren't you excited about going to secondary school boys, you're reallygrowing up etc.

All good ideas Broken, I will encourage and arrange some socials and sleepovers and do the bigging up thing. I am just feeling guilty that he is miserable about it. I will email school and arrange another look round- he was open to that but says he doesn't want teachers 'questioning' him! I think he would like to spend his life under the radar in a lot of ways, however he is super bright and has a lot to offer so I am really hoping he blossoms in secondary school. DS1 did, though was already like that at primary so has been a presence all through school so far! DS2 would rather just get school over and done with- I want him to enjoy school and thrive.

Don't want to worry you but is there any chance he is being bullied by any of the friends he will be moving with? It seems odd that he's having such a strong reaction - my impression from Mumsnet is that this reaction is more typical when the parent has chosen a school away from friends.

I was surprised DD chose a school away from her long standing best friend but later it turned out that that was part of the issue - absolutely no bullying in this case but BFF was the most popular girl in the class and DD wanted to move away from being the sidekick. So it might be worth gently exploring the issue.

I don't think so but worth considering so I will try and find out. He was at a birthday sleepover the other week with them and seemed very happy. Also they came to his party and again all good.

Knowing DS the strong reaction may be because he thought we would choose one of the other 2 and he is a bit blindsided by it. He just keeps saying that our choice of school seemed boring and that the other were better.

Mine has made a similar choice to be away from friends but the school is better but a tube ride rather than a walk. He said it felt " free", and it made me think he wants to start a fresh .. perhaps reinvent himself a bit. He's still very fond of his friends but I think feels excited at prospect of brand new social group..
( he's been at a fairly small independent school since nursery and so even the scale will be hugely different)....
You're probably doing the right thing as I agree you can't leave these decisions up to them... just speculating his reasons for not wanting to go with his friends

I don't think you let them decide at that age but I do think you should have a proper discussion with him about the pros and cons of each school. And he should be doing a lot of the work during the discussion, he needs to support his choice with well tjought out arguements not just shouting and screaming.

I agree with the poster who said you need a pros and cons list

You also need to be prepared to explain why you are leaving their sibling at the alternative school - eg already started GSCEs, settled etc

Thanks everyone for all the advice. He seems to be better about it today.

Whilst driving somewhere earlier older DS said 'I could move school too then we will be together won't we?' and DS2 seemed a lot happier. I did straight away say, 'Well I don't think you really want to move and leave all your friends etc' So maybe it is the idea of not being with his sibling that he found difficult.

I don't think DS1 will really want to change schools, probably a whim as we have been talking about the other school, he is the opposite of DS2 though and loves change and is very adaptable so will wait to see what happens during this year I suppose. I wouldn't mind moving him but I don't want to do it on a whim!