DD y9 - how on earth can I help her??? Is this normal???

[Whatrodo]

I really need some help and advice and to know we are not alone. My DD is in year 9 and has since year 7 had pretty consistent friendship problems. She is a naturally quieter person and perhaps youngish for her age. Sweet and funny and fun loving. She has positioned herself in a relatively cool group and started with 2 very good friends she thought she could rely on but they were tricky and kind of abandoned my DD. It got a bit better better in year 8 but 2 girls who were helping build back her confidence have left the school. She tries so hard but quite consistently is excluded from stuff they are doing at weekends etc. It feels like she is just constantly overlooked as she is not pushy and loud. It really really hurts her and I’m so worried about how it might be affecting her confidence..Is this normal and do girls grow out of what seems like such cruel behaviour?? What can I do to help her??? I’m used to being able to solve problems but feel so helpless to make it any better. I try to listen and suggest and often just to live her but it is really breaking my heart! Any help or words of wisdom?!!

Is this normal and do girls grow out of what seems like such cruel behaviour??

No theyvget worse. You can't change them -

But your daughter is in the wrong group - they aren't the cool crowd they are the mean bunch - too busy trying to be top dog to be any kind of decent friend.

She needs to find like minded kids and whilst she's with this group she'll not be looking for others

Could you encourage her to have some other interests out of school that she can do at weekends? Or join some after school clubs which are about something she enjoys? She might get friendly with a different set of girls who are more on her wavelength.

Trying to be friends with the cool crowd if you aren't cool is always going to be a losing battle. Maybe she needs to build her own identity which is independent of other people.

My DCs school also have an annual week of trips - there are several trips to choose from and so possible to make new friends based on what you are interested in. Is there something like that at your DD's school?

In this situation, I would recommend one or more out of school activities, preferably mixed sex and mixed ages.

School can be tough on the gentler children. If they can find the right social group, they can survive relatively unscathed, but if they get stuck with a mean bunch, they need something outside school to save them.

Thanks so much. Yes she does have out of school stuff and friends from primary where she really was happy and had lots of friends. I’ve been really encouraging her to try to move from this group but she just can’t see how to and is adamant it’s impossible. Individually they are nice kids - it’s just when they are all together.. I just don’t know how I can get her to find others when all the groups seem so tightly formed..

why does she want to be friends with the "cool girls" who don't really want to be friends with her?
It feels like she is just constantly overlooked as she is not pushy and loud

She's not their type.