Class of under confident 13 year old girls

[Cauliflowersqueeze]

This year I have a delightful class of hard-working, really motivated and lovely 14 year olds. All girls. However, they are very under confident. Whenever they have a test they get worked up and think they will do badly, they think they’re rubbish (and they aren’t at all). I compare this to a class of boys I had a couple of years ago who thought they were amazing and were really quite average. They would never talk themselves down.

I’ve told the girls they’re wonderful, they’ve seen in their results they’re doing well, but there remains this undercurrent of “we’re not very good” that despite my best efforts is not lifting. I want them to be positive and really proud of how they’re doing. I’ve told them about my mediocre boys’ group who thought they were fabulous. And I’ve said that a lot of success in life comes down to having confidence. Any other ideas?

To some extent, I think girls say this as a way of showing each other they're approachable and not unduly proud of their success, without necessarily believing it. It's also a way of relieving stress - it can be reassuring to know that other people are also anxious about failure. And then there's perfectionism...

I do wonder also if perhaps it's something to do with doing lots of group work in schools previously. I know my bright DD2 was very anxious not to be seen as feeling superior to others in those situations. Then there's also the fact that so much group work meant she could always rely on someone else if she was unsure, constantly checking that what she was doing was ok. She still uses me for this, at age 19.

Over time, insisting that they do work individually could help with this, giving them the perspective that they can do good work without constant validation from someone else. Alternatively, you could maybe look up CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) techniques for challenging narrative and beliefs that don't reflect reality, and adapt them?

Agree with a PP - I bet they're not all feeling as unconfident as they say they are if they see their results are good. However it's more socially acceptable to act "modest". At least, that's how it was when I was a teenage girl!

On the other hand, though, I'm now wondering whether continually voicing that kind of 'modesty' could negatively influence their actual self-confidence?

I used to coach tennis. Sometimes at the end we'd do a game. Almost without exception the girls had to be persuaded to play as they said "I'm not good enough", even in the all girls group.
The boys I'd more often hear the phrase "What will I get when I win?" Not every boy by any means, but a good proportion of them.

The girls more often won, so it wasn't that they were weaker either.

There will be an aspect of them setting each other off. One says they're not good, and others think either "she's better than me, so I'm really bad" or "I have to say that too or I'll seem arrogant".
Also I tended to do myself down at any test on the basis that if I did badly then I could hide my disappointment in saying "oh yes, I knew that".

I'm not sure telling them they're amazing etc will have any effect. Wouldn't on me. They'll just go "yep, miss always says we're great whatever we do. That's because we're so bad she doesn't want to discourage us"

Perhaps showing that they're good in other ways. "That essay was really good. Would you mind if I photocopied it so I can keep it as a really good example?" type thing.
Positive reactions on specifics.

I remember being really boosted when we were doing posters for the wall for open day and the teacher came past looking at books and stopped the poster I was doing and asked if I could do it on something I'd done for homework because what I'd done was so good. (I can even remember what it was-on crystals!)

Another time I remember our class being told that we'd done so well on a specific topic that they had brought in an expert to talk to our class, and at primary we got an extra trip out because "they knew our class could be relied upon to behave"

If you don't do them all at once (or they'll see through it) but try and make sure over the year you give each of them a specific praise. I think that will give them more confidence than just telling them they're good.

Oh I do give a lot of specific praise. I just do worry as kesstrel says that this constant self undermining will at some point (if it hasn’t already) have an effect.

Very interesting that the boys talk about “when” they win.

And I do agree that it’s easier to accept defeat when you’ve set it up as only a possibility that you’ll win.

I went to a selective girls' high school. This sort of "I'm going to fail this test", "I'm so rubbish" stuff the girls came out with used to drive me up the wall. No one was going to fail the tests, but it was considered bad to be "big headed" or "up yourself".

Some conversations weirdly used to go like this.
Girl A: I got a terrible mark for that test - only 85%.
Girl B: I only got 75% so you did better than me.
Girl A: No, you got a really good mark.

At our school it was a kind of false modesty and not showing off.