Ways to help anxious dd who is starting secondary school in Sept??

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My dd is very anxious about going to secondary school in just over 2 week's time. She's an August child and has always been very young for her age. Any tips on how to best prepare her for what is a tricky transition for even the most confident children?

Thanks very much Soursprout. Brilliant, very practical suggestions.

Great list.

Now, one for inside school.

1. Most people will be friendly to new starters, even the big kids. If she gets lost she needs to ask someone politely.
2. Other kids will be feeling just like her. If she sees another new starter on her own and can pluck up courage to start conversation, she may make a friend for life.
3. Prep her with 'conversation starters'

• what school did you come from / where do you live
• that English teacher was nice / scary / whatever
• what do you think about the food in the canteen
• what clubs are you joining
• are you finding this scary
• do you know where H block is
• I like your
• I'm Mary, what's your name
• have you had Art yet - what did you do

Also

• pencil case for at home AND one in school bag
• have a checklist for school bag: keys/phone, planner, pencil case, homework, books, water bottle, snacks (or whatever) and check it as she packs bag (with your help to start with). Pack the night before, e.g. straight after evening meal.

Some great replies already.

I like having conversation starters for positive chats e.g. 'what are you looking forward to... What did you study in geography today... tell me about someone new you spoke to...

Have look at extra curricular opportunities and talk about which one she might like most

Also if you already have form tutor or head of year info then maybe drop them an email for the PD just saying your DC is a bit nervous and has been anxious about it. We've seen it all before and can keep a special eye out for them.

Reassure her that everyone will be feeling a bit anxious on the first day and it's totally normal to feel that way.

Maybe put reassuring (discreet) note in her lunch bag or pocket from you.

Give her the name of one person (pastoral member of staff) that she can ask to speak to if it all gets too much.

Maybe teach her/role play a few good humoured swift replies to anyone who might be tempted to tease her because of her size, being new to the school etc, as well as some nice introductory lines!

I hope the start of term goes well for her!

Oh yes and try and dig down a bit and find out exactly what is worrying her in particular. Finding the lavs, making friends, getting lost etc etc and try and tackle each one in turn and provide potential solutions for each one.

Agree with digging down through the worst that can happen, e.g. if she gets lost, she might be late to a lesson, she might get told off and could get given a detention. Help her work through and appreciate that even the ‘worst’ scenario isn’t that bad.

I had lots of 'what if ' conversations with anxious ds.

What if you miss the bus
What if you lose your phone
What if you can't find your classroom
etc

I
We talked through solutions and it really seemed to help

soursprout has put together an amazing list!

My eldest 2 are about to go into y8 and y10 (how? When did that happen?), and their worries were pretty much all the ones on that list.

DC take the train to school (after walking by themselves to primary), so that was a worry to them. We practiced the journey, and we also had 2 lots of ‘emergency money’ in different locations for if/ when travel card doesn’t work.

Something we had not thought of: on first day the lunch card did not work (lots of other kids too), but DS was quite shy, and Just went the whole day without anything to eat- even though he had money. I called school to ask what he should do next time and they said esp with new y7, Just speak to one of staff and they sort you out somehow - so that was a good tip to pass on to dc2.

They have both had hiccups with trains, and so it was good to have mobiles and talk them through it, and also so they had an idea
of alternative routes/ stations.

I feel for you OP, I have worriers, and it all seems overwhelming to them at first, it’s a massive massive learning curve - and then you blink, and they are fine.

I know WhatsApp is contentious, but both mine have found their class WhatsApp groups invaluable for homework/ missed work when sick, so encourage your DD to ask about a class WhatsApp group if she feels up to it.

(And I have found the parents’ group helpful for lost kit/ partial information in the early years.)

We watched 'educating Manchester ' on YouTube. My dd went to primary in another country and went to high school a term into year seven not knowing anyone. It helped her see that high school children are just children and not great tall monsters.

We did all the practical stuff too. We practiced the bus route together but pretending we didn't know each other. We didn't talk to each other and she had to get on and off first but I was there if she needed me.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to post your wonderful suggestions and your reassuring comments. I'm feeling better already

I have actually drilled down through her many worries - we spent a couple of hours the other day discussing each of her many worries. I was both impressed and (a bit alarmed) that she was able to rattle them all off just like that. A lot of it is worrying that she won't make friends - she has always struggled in large environments and her anxiety causes her to panic and not be able to relax enough to communicate normally. She clams up and that makes it difficult for others to chat to her. I definitely need to practise the conversational openers you have suggested. She's also worried that she won't understand something in class and be too afraid to tell the teacher.

soursprout thanks again for your wonderful list.
TeenTimesTwo thanks for your great suggestions.
MaisyPops thanks for your advice especially about dropping a line to the form tutor.
spreading thanks - good idea to help her prepare a swift reply if necessary.
EduCated - yes, looking at worse case scenarios is a very useful idea - thanks.
sydenhamhiller I hope your boys are settled now. Great tip about lunchtime money. One of her worries was "what if there's not enough money on my card?" Many thanks.
missmapp - thanks - I love the idea of discussing "what if" scenarios.

savoycabbage - thanks for the tip about "Educating Manchester".

I've just seen this useful thread. I've never clicked on a sponsored link before but some good tips in this one.

Just dropping in to placemark this, will come back to read and add on in more detail

Hope you find it useful Joyce

My DDs are just about to start Yr8 so I went through this last year.

One tip I picked up on MN has proved invaluable. Buy cardboard magazine holders & mark them for each day of the week. When they pack their bag for school each evening check their timetable for when they next have that lesson and put any books that aren't needed in the appropriate folder.

For example, on Monday evening if they don't have English again until Wednesday then put the book in the Wednesday folder. That way they will always know that if a book isn't in their bag or in the folder then the teacher must have it.

It also makes bag packing quicker as you aren't hunting around for books.

Does she know anyone starting? Find one or two and have a meetup or two, practise journey to and from school.i am rather pro getting to school on day one as you mean to go on . The journey is the way to socialise and wind down and can be fun.

Thanks MrsScrubbing - great advice.

Thanks yikes. It's a good idea but she doesn't know anyone and hasn't gelled with any if the other children she met on the induction day and activities day. I've told her not to get disheartened as it sometimes takes time to meet like-minded people.

Have a separate pencil case for coloured pencils/ felt tips as they won’t need these that often. This leaves their main pencil case clutter free. Have a lot of spare glue sticks etc at home and keep stressing that it doesn’t matter if things get lost. I’ve seen so many children stress over lost glue sticks.

Find out how room numbering works in school- when my eldest started he had a big revelation that things like h5u etc tge U means upstairs!

I would also stress that teachers are normally nice people and will often bend over backwards to help students - for example even though a teacher might say to the class that no homework will result in a detention if a student took the time to speak to the teacher before / after the lesson to explain why they didn't have their homework and offered a solution 'I'm sorry I don't have it today please could I bring it in tomorrow and hand it in first thing' then most teachers would be flexible and say no problem (especially to year sevens at the start of term)

DS1 is in the same position - August baby and not going to the same school as his primary school peers, so I feel for you! I am hoping that the waiting to start is the worst bit, and once they get there and get started it will improve.

Fingers crossed for you and your DD, OP.

Really emphasis the ‘asking older kids for help’. I drilled it into ds that if he was lost etc to just ask an older kid or 6th former for help. He was mortified at the suggestion. A few days in he was lost. Seen a group of 6th formers, approached them and said he didn’t know how to get to his classroom.

One boy turned to his friends and said tell Mr X i’m On my way I’ll just show this boy to his classroom. He walked with him the whole way asking him who is form teacher was, what teachers he’d had, what certain techers was like etc. Then ds said he was worried about going into the class. The 6th former said don’t worry i’ll come with you. Got to the classroom and he knocked on the door and took ds in, and just said sorry Mrs X, (ds’s name) was a little lost so I’ve just brought him up.

He was so happy when he got home firstly because it taught him that 6th formers weren’t scary, and secondary that if he was late, as long as he apologised and gave a reason then the teacher would be ok.

Sounds mean saying this but I’m glad it happened early on so he could experience it and know what to do.