Disagreeing with your child about school choices

[Bimmy76]

Just wondered whether anyone had disagreed with their child about choice of secondary school and how you resolved it.

DS wants to go to the school all his friends are going to. We want home to go to a school we think will suit him much better and which is more academic.

DH’s view is that we simply decide and tell DS where he is going. I am really struggling with it all- I would like DS to go to our preferred school but hate the idea of making him sad, even in the short term. DH is confident that DS will soon settle and that his disappointment will only be a short term thing. I worry about whether this is correct.

Anyone experienced this? How did you handle it?

Hmm, ultimately we let our dd choose her secondary school but were sort of happy with her choices. She is very academic and choices were grammars or a super selective. I preferred the standard grammar school, she set her heart on the super selective, for various reasons, and is doing really well there. I was worried that she would struggle with the workload, struggle to keep up etc. However, she went to a school where she knew no one, I don't think friendships is a good enough reason to choose a secondary school.

My husband was offered a scholarship at a wonderful school and turned it down. His parents let him. He is massively intelligent but lacking direction and finally got a degree aged 38.

No way will I let my kids do that. A good education opens many doors.

I think from what you are saying this is to switch at 11? If so, absolutely you get the casting vote. By all means listen to them, but they are not mature enough at this age to make a decision like this

This is a generalisation but speaking with friends, those with DDs tended to involve them more in the choice as they seemed mature enough and able to look at the longer term. It wasn’t solely about friends. For those with DSs or a mixture of DCs, they say their DSs were not so prepared or reasoned to make the judgement about secondary school. As I say, this is just a small poll so not scientific but seems interesting. Each parent will know how well their child can make these sorts or inputs. By sixth form they are more on the same emotional maturity level.

Mine at that age both wanted to go to the schools where their best friends would be going. Both ended up very happy and successful at the other school we chose for them (which they both now admit was much much more suitable for them than their friends' schools) .

On the other hand my parents let me choose my own secondary school. . At the age of ten/ eleven I based my choice on a) fear of being teased by friends for going to the 'posh' school, b) knowing someone who went to the school of my choice who had a pony (my fantasy was riding to school) C) being scared of the school my parents wanted for me because I'd heard a story about a dc having a whole hour of homework!

Needless to say my choice was disastrous and with hindsight I am pretty angry with my parents for not taking parental responsibility and making the decision.

I confess I lean towards letting them have a major say, and if push comes to shove decide, after having been a child whose parents chose their secondary school, where that choice was a complete disaster. I was not involved in the choice at all. Luckily I was too young for my year, so was still under the age for the 11+ when I was in year 7. And we phoned around the private schools, and found one (the one I really wanted to go to anyway) who, if I did well enough to win a scholarship, were prepared to take me into Year 8. I did, they did, and that was a success.
The problem with the school my parents chose was - I had no friends. And a lot of the reason I had no friends was because I was operating in a different academic league than the rest of the school (for example, I got 100% in every single maths test I sat at that school, the next top mark was generally around 60%). The school started with five Year 7 classes of 30 students each. From the year I left, 13 students finished the equivalent of A levels! This is despite the school being a comprehensive with an academic reputation (part of what had attracted my parents). Sure, this was in the days before league tables and the internet, but even today, I suspect parents can still get it badly wrong, especially if they only talk to teachers (yes, the teachers loved me, - once they saw the equivalent of my CATs scores I got whipped out of the class I was supposed to be in due to my surname (classes were allocated alphabetically) and put in the first class so the head of year could watch over me. That didn't make it a good experience for me. What I needed was what the scholarship class at my fancy private all girls school could offer me (the school had tons of money from endowments so could have virtually a whole class of scholarship girls)a whole bunch of very able girls amongst whom I didn't stand out like a sore thumb and amongst whom I could find friends.
When it came to my own DC, I certainly did "steer" them, but also listened to what they were saying. We did see a lot of schools together, so they could get a sense of the options. But I was reluctant to discount "the word on the street" or should I say "the classroom" - sometimes there can be a lot of value in that. It is one thing if it is just not having somebody you know, it is another if none of the people ending up at your school are likely to be the sort with whom it will be easy to make friends, especially if you aren't the most social butterfly out there.

With dd1 it was my choice really but one that she was happy with and agreed with. We had the slight advantage complication that the primary school is covered by 2 separate schools admission zones plus a 3rd umbrella admission zone, so from very early on we had to have the 'you can't just choose where your friends want to go'

I didn't like our admission zone school, and I really didn't want her to go to it, I had 2 preferences (none of the 3 mentioned above) and I let her chose which one to put 1st. She has thrived there and made loads of new friends, despite all her friends going to the other 3 schools.

DS is going into yr 6, he will be going to the same school as dd1, we have moved and now live firmly in the admission zone. He is pretty much going to get no choice in the matter, he has autism and has absolutely no road safety whatsoever. He can get to this school with only needing to cross one very small side road.

I was forced to go to the school my parents wanted me to go to, none of my friends were going to the same one. I had five years of hell being bullied and (for the most part) friendless. Friendships are so, so important at that age, I think you should definitely give that some consideration.

I find it odd that some people can make friends at primary school but cannot at secondary 6 weeks later. Most children can make this transition and find friends. It’s unususl not to be able to do this. Even if you go with friends, they can find new friends and abandon primary friends. It’s a very fluid situation and there are no guarantees that any child will even stay in the area, let alone be your friend for the next 7 years.

@bubblesbuddy my primary school friends were made mostly at the start of primary school. I became painfully shy as an adolescent.

He’s 11 or 10. Be the parent and choose the best school for his future. I made this mistake with dd1 and it led to years of bullying and problems when her primary friends turned into queen bee mean girls overnight. Friends will change wherever they go.

@bubblesbuddy at the beginning of primary school, no-one knows each other, and are all in the same boat. At secondary, if 99% of your year already have friends from their primary school with them, and you're one of the few that doesn't, it's awful.

But in so many areas it’s not a given that everyone in a friendship group transfers to the same school and it’s not a given that ready made friends from Primary stay as friends. They don’t. Many friendship groups admit new children or break up and fluctuate over the years. Secondary age children find more in the pond like them. Previous friends do the same. It’s rarely the case where one newbie is left out. How would children new to an area ever make friends if that was the case? How would a single child from a primary ever go to a grammar of selective school and be happy, but they do. Friends are less important than the overall package of the school and parents are more often better placed to judge.

I was the one newbie that was left out, yes it does happen. I spent at least the first half term of secondary being called 'loner' and 'billie no mates' every break time because none of the friendship groups would admit me, no matter how hard I tried.