Bullying? Special needs?

[Crazycrofters]

This might be the wrong place for this but I'm just after a bit of advice. Sorry it's a bit long.

Ds is in year 7 at a boys grammar school. Back in years 3 and 4 he experienced on/off bullying from boys in his class - mainly physical, with some name calling. He's an August born and in year 3 was in a year 3/4 class so initially we thought that was the issue as the bullies were year 4s. But it resurfaced in year 4 from different boys in his year. He was very unhappy at the time and it was difficult getting him to go to school.

The school had failed its Ofsted and was in turmoil by year 4, so we pulled him out as we were in the process of trying to move house/areas anyway. In the end we home educated for years 5 and 6.

Now back in school with completely different children the problems have re-surfaced. There is one boy in particular who's targeting him - unfortunately ds spent the first half of the year with this boy as his 'best friend', alongside another boy, but it turns out even then, he wasn't always being particularly nice to him. He's now turned on him and for the last couple of months he's been ridiculing ds and putting him down. Ds thinks the whole class has turned against him and he feels low because he doesn't think he has any friends. It's difficult to know whether this is true or if he's just listening to this boy who regularly tells him that he has no friends and that X (the other boy in their original group) hates him.

To put it into context we always thought ds showed some signs of aspergers, although he's always been sociable. He also struggles with ticks/twitches when anxious and he can get very worked up/overreact. He's been telling us recently he feels depressed and he wants to go to the doctor for help.

I raised the name calling with his form teacher and she was very helpful. However ds said this made things worse as the boy told others that he was a snitch. Nothing seems to have changed. I'm at a loss how to proceed really in terms of that particular boy.

I'm also thinking we need to deal with the bigger picture - his general struggles and the fact that this has happened in two different places now. In fact, he's also had on-off problems on the school bus with completely different children - these are kids who go to two neighbouring grammar schools. So there must be something about him that's making him a target?

So I don't know whether we need to go to the doctor and ask for help. I'm not even sure what he needs help with! Any ideas?

I haven't had experience with this, but DD1 has some of the 'social skills' issues that overlap with Aspergers, and DD2 is socially immature.

This is what I would do:

I would start with the school - ask for a meeting with Pastoral / SENCO / Tutor (though tutor may not be easily available) and outline the issues. I would ask by email and ask if they can poll his teachers in advance as to how he appears socially within classes.

Our school has 'social skills' sessions which aims to 'teach' acceptable behaviour and how to spot if you are being annoying / if people are trying to wind you up etc and how to react. (e.g. DD1 would do awful things like calling out to y10s to be careful on play equipment in our local playground when she was in y7/8! ).

If school see more of a 'need' they can help kick things off for assessments etc. But he should be able to get pastoral support either way.

But in parallel to any assistance to your DS to be more socially aware, the school needs to also be stopping name calling etc. So e.g. on bus asking an older child to help stand up for him, teachers looking out for it, that kind of thing?

You just want to wrap them in cotton wool sometimes don't you?

id be looking into either a different school, or home schooling again. Have you looked into any of the online schools. My daughter is doing one and I wish I'd known about them a few years back for my eldest

Thank you! Yes, it's heartbreaking to see him so upset, especially when it becomes a bigger thing - ie 'I'll never fit in, no one likes me'.

That's really helpful, I think I do need to approach the school about the bigger picture. I can't decide whether it's worth doing this side of the summer or not?

The bus issue will change anyway - from September he won't be going on that bus with children from the other schools (too expensive!), he'll be on public transport. Unfortunately the problem boy takes the same public bus. Ds was going on the public bus once or twice a week, but not since the issues with this boy - so that will be a new challenge come September.

Branleuse, thanks, but I'm pretty sure a different school would present the same problems. The two schools he's been in so far have been completely different in terms of intake. I'm very impressed with current school in terms of teaching, organisation, responsiveness etc and generally speaking the boys seem nice - ds himself says so. It's just this one boy, coupled with ds' feelings of not fitting in.

Homeschooling would be a last resort, as it means dh having to be at home again. Also, ds did feel quite lonely when he was at home all the time despite going out to organised home ed events. He has one really good home educated 'best friend' but he only tended to see him once a week or so. Despite his social struggles, ds really doesn't like to be on his own much and he isn't at all good at occupying himself. After better days at school he comes back quite chirpy and he does enjoy the social side, especially playing table tennis. So it's not really clear cut. However, we would home educate again if we really had to and I have looked at online schooling in the past.

Definitely this side of the holidays.

His current teachers know him, they will have a much better view of how he is interacting than new teachers at the start of Sept.
Plus they might be able to jig things around re sets / all ability classes if needed for next year.