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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Mid GCSEs and we have a Prom Nightmare - horrid teenage girls

27 replies

blimppy · 27/05/2018 13:53

So DD2 is mid GCSEs having had a horrid year with the Queen Bee type in her friendship group, who I will call B, persistently excluding her and leaving her isolated in the way that only teenage girls can. Things had however seemed better since Easter. DD had made plans with another friend to get ready for Prom together rather than joining her friendship group at B's. This then evolved into DD and friend joining the group at B's later on before Prom. However, B has just told DD that she is only having a smaller group round, by implication not including DD. The friend that DD was going to get ready with is however going to B's now. This leaves DD with no-one and she is distraught. Why are some girls so so horrid? It isn't just B, who has a track record of this sort of behaviour with many girls, but the fact that all of DD's friends are apparently happy to go along with leaving DD out. Not sure why I'm posting really - I just wanted to vent! Any suggestions for making DD feel a bit better welcome!

OP posts:

bevelino · 27/05/2018 17:06

OP I feel sad for your dd. It is tempting to try and fix the problem, but the best way of dealing with how she feels is for you to be available for her to vent and acknowledge how she feels.

I have 4 teen dds and they each have had similar toxic friendships as you describe. Just being there for them in a calm and reassuring way helped.

Original poster

blimppy · 27/05/2018 17:23

Thanks for replying and your advice. That sounds spot on to me - it's just so sad seeing her feeling so lonely. She's been trying to decide for months now whether to move to a different sixth form. "B" is moving anyway definitely, which should remove much of the problem, but to be honest DD feels pretty let down by the others. I think this latest upset may confirm DD's view that she would like a fresh start.

OP posts:

bevelino · 27/05/2018 22:18

((( ))) to you and your dd.

WinnersClub · 27/05/2018 22:27

There was a teenage boy in America who no one wanted to go the prom with. They went on twitter and asked for a date with Rihanna (jokingly). She replied Yes! and he went to the prom with Rhianna on his arm! Should’ve seen their faces.

Surelyyoudontmeanthat · 27/05/2018 22:31

So many sympathies to your dd, that sounds awful. I think when the main influencer in a group excludes one person it is unfortunately pretty normal for the others to go along with it - it's the way the dynamic works. (Though there are the occasional free spirits who do stand up for the excludee, it is fairly rare.)

The only (minimal) consolation for your dd about that it is that it's no reflection on your dd - it's just group dynamics. As for why dcs (and adults do this), that is an interesting question. Genuinely don't know!

Life was simpler when schools didn't have proms in my view. Recipe for exclusion is my somewhat jaded opinion . By the time you have the pre party, the pre pre party and the after party and the after after party, so many people are left out of something!

Agree with Bevelino - be a calm presence for dd to vent, help her reach a decision about whether to move school, which sounds as though it is definitely worth considering. Staying calm is much easier said than done though!

madeyemoodysmum · 27/05/2018 22:32

Your poor dd. Would you have time before prom to take her to a salon. Get her nails and hair done professionally? It may help her take her mind off it.

As for her friends that's a hard one. Hopefully if b is leaving soon things will get better for her.

BackInTime · 28/05/2018 20:29

Girls can be so vile. What really gets me in these situations is not just the Queen Bee type but the others that act like sheep. It would just take one of them with a back bone to say that they are not happy about treating someone like this. They must realise when they are leaving someone out and how that might feel if they were in that situation.

Unfortunately for your DD, these girls are not true friends or friends worth having. This is a lesson my DD has also learned recently. I hope your DD can go to the prom and have a lovely time without these nasty cows.

farangatang · 29/05/2018 02:45

for your DD to have been so poorly treated by these 'friends'.

Does she have anyone outside that circle who she could hang out with at the prom? Maybe there are some others who she could meet up with there (and I'm sure she will enjoy getting ready with her mum, especially if she enjoys a 'pamper' session with hair and nails!)

I hope she's able to focus on nailing her exams and has a great evening in spite of the nastiness from those girls.

BubblesBuddy · 29/05/2018 10:24

There is little you can do about other people's children! My DD1 was excluded at primary school. She then did not go to the school all the others were going to. We escaped! They are not real friends, sadly.

Therefore I do think that going to a different 6th form might be worth considering. I know you say B is going toleave the current school, but she will still be with the sheep who did not stand up for her. The sheep are not worth being with either. I agree that it is all very sad. Also, School Proms. So utterly American and worthless. Why do we have to adopt this culture?

Original poster

blimppy · 29/05/2018 12:58

We've had a bit of an update here. It appears B may have overreached herself and has in effect excluded others as well as DD. For once, the "others" are expressing that they are unhappy and it seems there DD now has a group of 4 who are planning to do their own thing for Prom. Even better, one of them has had the guts (finally) to tell B exactly what she thinks of her behaviour. All seems much better therefore, but past experience tells me not to count the proverbial chickens and I wouldn't be surprised in B draws the others back in. I do think a fresh start in sixth form will probably be for the best.

OP posts:

Handsoffmysweets · 29/05/2018 13:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

AppleKatie · 29/05/2018 13:07

Also, School Proms. So utterly American and worthless. Why do we have to adopt this culture?

Well they weren’t new when I had mind 18 years ago so...

This sounds promising OP this may well cause a bit of a friendship shift they are of an age now where if they are going to turn out decent they will start showing signs so fingers crossed your DD has a positive experience out of this with them. I will never forget the sight of the school bully’s car rolling down a hill and into a pond outside our sixth form prom after the handbrake went ‘’but why didn’t you try and stop it’ yelled the boy.

‘Karma’ we all replied and stood and grinned... it was a cathartic experience for several of us I think!

BubblesBuddy · 29/05/2018 14:21

Well they would have been new around here about 25 years ago but they have gathered pace. School disco is all there would have been before that (if you were lucky). Proms are American culturally and do seem to bring out the worst in some children and their parents through outrageous spending and showing off. It’s all fairly horrible!

I think your DD does need to think carefully about her options. Obviously her friendship group is fluctuating but what will it be like in the next two years? I found with mine that A level choices made a difference. They start to work with like minded pupils and friendships can be developed via having more in common than having a laugh and clothes!

mimibunz · 29/05/2018 14:40

Bubbles I know many Brits love to look down their noses at Americans or American culture but those who have visited America and know Americans, think they’re lovely and nice. You, on the other hand....

madeyemoodysmum · 29/05/2018 14:52

Hurrah for that update op.

WinnersClub · 29/05/2018 16:17

Excellent update OP. Wether queen bee manages to draw the others back in or not, at least DD can feel validated that she isindeed a nasty piece of work. Sometimes these queen b’s just work themselves out of the picture altogether which is delightful.

BubblesBuddy · 29/05/2018 21:18

I love lots of things about the USA but we don’t have to import aspects of another culture do we? We might admire lots of things about other countries but it is not necessary to copy them. We don’t do American exams, organise our schools the same way, follow the American curriculum or salute the flag every day. We seem to have picked out the Prom as being what we want. I’m not sure why.

AppleKatie · 29/05/2018 23:44

Might it be because it’s fun? A nice way to end your time at school?

I realise you don’t love them but it’s not all about you...

BackInTime · 30/05/2018 09:44

Great update OP, so pleased that some of the others stood up to this girl. Let’s just hope that this experience will help them all to realise that it is not acceptable to be treated badly by others or to treat others badly.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/05/2018 10:09

If you know the bully is definitely moving elsewhere for 6th form I would hold fire. DD discovered the other day that the girl who was best friends with her year 10 tormentor doesn't dislike her at all. She spent all Friday afternoon talking to her and came home and said she was really nice.

Often the bully/queen bee has some kind of hold over their friendship group, and when they go the girls feel they can make their own mind up over friendships.

BubblesBuddy · 30/05/2018 11:49

My opinion is as valid as anyone else's. I am quite happy for it to be my opinion and to have a different view from others. I am not asking for everyone to agree with me. However, I reserve the right to express my view. Lots of parents now view proms as an expensive night out and think there are cheaper and better ways of celebrating the end of school. It's sad to see personal attacks because I have expressed a different opinion. How on earth anyone can think an opinion is all about me is just ridiculous. I clearly have no role to play in whether to have a prom or not. Any opinion expressed here is all about the poster, surely? That's what a thread is. So posters loving proms are expressing their view so, by definition, it must be all about them too, surely? The ultimate circular argument!

The whole reason for discussion on this thread was about the angst caused by a Prom and the poor behaviour from a girl arising from preparatory arrangements for the Prom. So it did not look like fun at the start of the thread. It looked like exclusion, bullying and bad manners. I realise that this not what a prom should be about, but Prom allowed the girl to bully others in a unique and unacceptable way.

It is extremely heartening to know that there has been a turn-around in the situation and that other girls have saved the day, but it is a great shame it happened in the first place around an event that should be a happy occasion.

mookinsx · 31/05/2018 19:55

I was back stabbed by all my friends months into college. I was bullied all through school. It's not just your DD but that doesn't make it any easier for her.
I got ready on my own and then my dad drove me and a few friends in a fancy car from work.
My mum did my nails - i did my own make up and mum straighten my hair.
Then family photos on the lawn.
I've fallen out with all those friends now and I'm grateful that I have the memories of prom with my parents separately from friends

mookinsx · 31/05/2018 19:58

Also moving to a new sixth form or college may do the world of good. So many new people to grow with

Dumbledoreswarrier · 01/06/2018 13:55

I could have written your OP a year ago! What a difference a year can make. Our local college is on two sites and is huge so even though all my Dd’s toxic friends also went there, she has been able to move on, make some lovely new friends (some of whom were on the fringes of the old group!) and is so much happier. A levels are great for pushing like minded people into friendships. I hope that your DD has a fantastic time at her prom and that in a year’s time she too has found some true friends.

KingFlamingo · 01/06/2018 15:02

I think most mums of Year 11 girls could write your post. A few lucky ones get away with a set group making a plan and sticking to it, but the majority have this indecision, cliques and queen bees calling the shots. I think my DD ended up having two friends over and happily getting ready but then for the Sixth form one (when you hope all this rubbish is over) she had the drama and ended up getting ready at one house, travelling to another for drinks (not permitted to get ready there) then off to the prom and then finally back to another group's house for the after party (but not permitted to stay over as not in the right 'cool clique'). All these different locations involved lifts in the car in between. It was a nightmare, involved many tears and DD getting very stroppy dealing with the stress of it all. At the time I was so fed up and cross that I had to be the obliging parent who drove her around the 101 different locations, I didn't really think too much about how it was probably normal nasty teenage girl Queen Bee behaviour behind it all.
Soooo glad to be beyond this phase!

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