Moving dilemma. Please help!

[medusa83]

I have 2 children, one at an extremely good state grammar in Bucks, and one in primary school.

I got married 2 years ago to someone I'd known when I'd lived in another city (from my 20s). He moved down to the town I live in 3 years ago, we got married and bought a house.

He hates it and wants to move. I'd prefer to wait until my daughter has sat her GCSEs, but he refuses to countenance that. The town we live in was always going to be a stop gap, but I worry about her moving schools now. She is very, very happy in her new school (y7) and has found a good mix of nice, quirky, friends. She takes part in lots of extra-curricular activities within the school and is making good progress, she particularly loves Latin, which not many schools do where we would move to.

The system where we are looking is comprehensive and although there are good/outstanding schools, I am concerned that we would be letting her down. My husband thinks I am over-thinking it and that she will achieve anywhere (he went to a pretty rough school in Birmingham). My parents think I am making a mistake, but my husband just will not wait.

Any advice, internet? There's lots more to this but this is the one facet of the dilemma I'd like advice on- am I over-thinking it?

School wise I'd suggest you either need to move before DD reaches the end of Y8 (and I'd guess the sooner the easier) or you will not want to move until she gets to 18 (will DD really want to move at 16??). What age will your younger child be then (into secondary school?)

I suspect it comes down whether you want to move or not. You do realise that most of the children in this country go to comprehensive schools? Putting your child in one is hardly "letting them down".

This is so difficult. We are in the territory of competing wishes/needs of new husband/step-father v those of existing children and it is clear from her post that the OP feels conflicted. Some children move schools/areas with no difficulty but for others it is profoundly unsettling. Presumably the older child at the Grammar put in a big effort to secure her place and is now very happy at her school (not things to be easily dismissed). I would be wary of moving unless I could be certain that a new school offered significant benefits as the danger is that the Year 7 will end up feeling resentful. OP how do you feel about the move? Do you actually want to move? Maybe, you should write a list of pros and cons to help make the decision and also find out a lot more about the schools in the target area.

Whilst it is not directly the dilemma you are asking for advice on, you do need to think of two issues. Firstly how far up the school is your second child - if you leave it more than a year are you going to be faced with a similar dilemma with them, as to whether to move them whilst in the top end of primary school or even after moving to secondary.
The second is I am afraid rather more fundamental and is that you need to be thinking about your situation at least as much as what your daughter's is. If you do not move or come to some kind of compromise, are you risking your relationship with your husband? You do need to be thinking that in 7 or 8 years daughter will be leaving to go to university and then will move on from the family home in all probability. Not everything has to revolve around your daughter.
But it is a very difficult decision to make and I hope you can work out your best course of action.

Hi and thanks for your advice! It's so complicated and it's something that can't just be sorted out with a conversation.

I did type out a long reply, but luckily for you I lost it somehow...so I will try and summarise my reply 😊

Really I am a make-do kind of person. I know I can make a life here or in Cornwall (where we might go) so although the thought of countryside , seaside and laid-back living are nice thoughts, I'm grateful for what we have - and we have been very lucky. I'm aware that life is unlikely to be perfect and I'm worried that we would be moving for selfish reasons.

I read my first post back, and see that I might have come across as a little snobby - tbh I didn't mean to- I'm a teacher and have worked in upper and comps for over a decade. I am fully aware that the vast majority of kids are wonderful 😁 but it's the small minorty of pupils that can ruin an otherwise decent class- and it's those few I want to avoid as I know how much time they can take up - I didn't mean it as a criticism of all students in state comp education as I know how great they are.

And yes my daughter worked hard for her 11+ and so part of me feels she should reap the rewards of her efforts - we didn't have formal tutoring (I bought her books and she worked through them). I also feel that she has overcome quite a bit of upheaval over the years - her biological father was extremely problematic in terms of aggression and she unfortunately saw more than she should have, and now has no contact with him I want her to have a stable life, but that also includes my husband, who has been an extremely good father figure for them, but just doesnt have the same outlook on education as me.

For more background: I moved my children when my DD was in primary school and she was extremely unhappy in her new school. Now I know that she is older and may be fine, but that memory is still the only one I have of an in-year school application!

I guess I am asking you -if you've moved a child during secondary school. Has it worked out? And if you habe moved a child due to job opportunities- where did secondary education factor in it all.

My son is in y2 at the moment.

**pleas ignore typos. For some reason my "posted" eyes are better than my "previewing" ones.

Moving your child from Grammar to comprehensive is not letting her down.

Putting her newly established friendship groups and happiness as a lower priority than your H’s feelings about where you live is letting her down.

He knew you had kids in school. He knew she was working hard towards 11+ .

Friendship groups are really important to teens. If you move now both kids will have to go in any random school that has places.

He is the only one who wants to move? He’s out voted.

This is a relationship issue, not a schools issue, if you ask me.

For more background: I moved my children when my DD was in primary school and she was extremely unhappy in her new school.

Your DD has also just moved from primary to secondary and that seems to have gone well. Something to consider.

My son is in y2 at the moment.

And if your DS gets allocated a sec.mod? Will you wish you had moved then or do you think your local sec.mod. is a better option to a comp.?

There are four individuals in your family, I think you should be considering the needs of all of them not just your DD.