Boarding School

[RosieWoodCelt]

DH and I are choosing schools for daughters 10 and 9. We don't want state education as both think it underachieves and lacks proper discipline. Same applies to grammars. Eldest is exceptionally bright and we want a boarding education where she will be pushed hard academically from day 1. From looking at leagues Wycombe Abbey seems top. Anyone able to advise?

BaublesBuddy. Thank you. 100% the kind of advice I was looking or. Thank you. So appreciated.

I am absolutely fine with the idea that the OP will only consider private schools, and within those, only boarding schools.

What I find less fine is her casual, uninformed denigration of state schools when they simply don't feature in her world at all, and she knows nothing about them.

Bubbles, if she really does live where her name suggests, there is an excellent grammar school on her doorstep, so that presumably WOULD be an option? i appreciate that the Bucks one won't be. About 20% of Pate's pupils come from private schools as far as I can see from the stats, but of course it is more selective than the girls' boarding schools.

Sorry, Baubles, that wasn't clear. I know WHY the OP has discounted the local grammar school - it isn't boarding, and it isn't single sex. But "No one at Godstowe goes to a state school unless it’s a local grammar. This won’t be an option for the op." isn't true - there IS a local grammar.

The local grammars are in fact single sex and there is also a good state boarding school over in Maidenhead. Why on earth op is asking here with the level of help and support she gets from the staff at godstowe who know her children and whether they're more Bedales than WA we will never know. But it makes no sense. They will also be able to correct some of the startling inaccuracies in her thoughts about what goes on at state schools and at boarding schools.
Given that boarding schools have very long holidays she's better off practically speaking sending them to a good day school and hiring a nanny as presumably her hectic life and complex working arrangements don't end in the school holidays.

I think the OP would be better off sticking to what she is looking for in a school rather than making sweeping statements about state. Every time I check back in on this thread there is something else that is inaccurate and insulting about state schools and I am speaking as someone who attended a great state school, have a good degree and have a daughter as a day girl at a top boarding school.

The comment about getting homework done and on time. Yes at my daughters boarding school they do prep from 4.45 but equally at our local comp they have enrichment activities every day after school and homework/study groups. It's fine to say boarding is what you want, that you wouldn't dream of sending you children st state but please be aware how you are coming across to some people. Generally these threads about boarding pass by on mums net with very little of this type of dialogue people respect a parents view of what they want for their kid, but generally the OP doesn't get people's backs up by making generalisations in this manner

OP, how long have your daughters been boarding already? How old were they when they started? Is it working well?

As it's over 1.5 hours from where you seem to live to there, and you talk about Facetiming your DD at a weekend, I presume that they are already boarding, which is why you want them to continue?

It seems odd that you didn't mention this earlier?

Glassofredandapackofcrisps Thank you for your kind and generous comment. I am sure it has been a helpful contribution.

Actually here's a sweeping generalisation for you. The OP sounds just like the kind of parent I dreaded having to deal with when we decided on our independent school for our DD. And I eat my words, most people are far more lovely and normal and not all the dreadful snobs I thought as I assumed they would be.

I am simply a driven woman - nothing more - nothing less Rudi44 - I am kind and care deeply about D and my friends.

Rosie - what do you do regarding childcare for the school holidays?

We have a nanny Parker231 who will deal with the times when I am unavailable and DH is away. It works well at present.

Just to add my halfpenny's worth...I went to Wycombe Abbey thirty years ago(ouch!). Times have changed and I expect the school has too, but this was my experience:

I was one of the top fifth of my year and did have a very good experience, academically-speaking. What happened in those days is that , fairly early on, the staff decided which girls were likely to get into Oxbridge and concentrated on those. This meant that the other 4/5ths had a (relatively) mediocre education.

I remember an A-level French class where the four of us who were going on to do Languages at Oxbridge basically "led" the class and all the translation exercises done in class were given to us. The result was that the other ten in the class didn't do that well at A-level (relatively -speaking) because they just hadn't had the attention.
And I met up with a friend recently, who has done fantastically well in her career, who was saying how the school gave up on her fairly early on, and even made her do 2 A-levels rather than the three or four we normally did then because they didn't want her to skew their statistics by-"shock-horror"-getting a C or worse in one of her exams.

I would say about 50% were happy boarding there(and would/are sending their children there); 50% pretty unhappy(and wouldn't), with a small percentage desperately unhappy (the second part obvious!) Anorexia was a real problem, but maybe is is at all all-girls' schools.

Anyway, just wanted to give you a realistic picture of what WA was really like, but whether any of this still applies to the school today, I've no idea.

Good luck with your choice.

Oh dear, Wycombe Abbey clearly did not do a good job teaching me percentages! Clearly I was not Oxbridge-material for maths!

Thank you chocolatelimesaredelicious Really nice post and one appreciated. Hoping make choices fairly soon and I genuinely appreciate the trouble you took in posting. Thank you.

children at boarding schools are ACADEMICALLY spoon fed from supervised preps.
Not IME from some very selective academically successful boarding schools.
Teachers do not step in and help but they are there if the DC seeks help. Fixed prep times means that all DCs are at least given the opportunity not to be distracted at the same time and know that they are meant to work and how long for. For the younger DCs, house staff will do rounds to ensure that this time is not spent gaming or distracting others..
However it is up to the DC to get on with it, they take the consequences if they don't, they don't have parents or extra tutors to hold their hands. It is also up to the DCs at boarding schools to learn to ask for help and use the resource of staff there at hand in the evening or after lessons. That is a very valuable lesson for life post school.
Some schools like Eton take the self organisation a step further by not having fixed prep times.
That is why these schools select DCs who are not only are bright but also give the impression of wanting and being ablto take up opportunities themselves rather than being led to them.
Parents of day DCs may be tiger parents or feel the need to intervene and help or pay for extra help. Full boarders achieve what they achieve through their own efforts and self motivation. If they don't have the motivation they won't do as well as if they were at home being pushed / helped despite the privilege of having teachers around in the evenings. It is true that some types of boarding parents step in during the holidays with spponfeeding but that also happens with day schools.

Exactly. Boarding is our chosen option. We are very happy to have made that choice and DH, DD and looking around three schools next month at WA, CLC and Benenden.

I don’t know why you would assume parents at day schools are helicopter parents. Who has the time/energy?! Not what I see at all, although I’m not in London.

My children at day schools have to sort themselves out homework wise, except one son who has an hours maths tuition a week and you’d think that was a torture session from the way he moans.
I’m sure most state school/independent day school parents in the country are similar. My boarding school son has to work much much harder.

Surely there are 3 good reasons for choosing boarding:-

1. Your child will be in small classes with well paid teachers, lots and lots of support. If they have a learning difficulty it will generally be spotted and dealt with more quickly (and they will get extra time if they need it). There will be rigorous setting based on ability with teeny tiny groups for ‘strugglers’ and generally made to work harder - and hopefully see the joy in doing so. They will have amazing career guidance and a lot of help with their personal statements and if they’re really bright their will be Oxbridge coaching. This will all give them the best chance of good grades and university. That’s what I mean by spoon feeding and apologies if it offended. You can perhaps match a lot of this at a really good day school if you have nothing else to do and only one or two compliant children.
2. The totally amazing array of extra curricular activities on offer with luxurious sporting and cultural facilities. Your child is more likely to be in the Olympic team at lots of sports from one of these schools (although I think that’s all private schools, not just boarding) and, so it now seems, more likely to be a successful actor.
3. The fact you don’t have to do a school run every day, make sure there is food at home for your ever hungry teens, pick up their wet towels, wash their clothes etc etc and are therefore free to go about your working or social life as you wish.

I think these are all perfectly good reasons and, whilst you are ‘buying’ advantage for your child that is the way of the world we live in. Just please don’t try to pretend your child is just more clever/talented than a state school child who didn’t get these advantages. And I personally think it’s good to encourage them to have a wide circle of friends so they understand and respect people from all walks of life.

However there is abother reason which I think sometimes influences parents to choose boarding and that is to ensure their children only get to mix with the ‘right type’ of people and thereby have a passport into a certain class of society. I always secretly hope their children drop out of it all and marry a brickie. No offense to brickies intended 😁

I am genuinely grateful to everyone who has posted and I am sorry if any aspect of my OP was badly worded or caused anyone to feel offended in any way however large or small the offence may have been. I wanted to put the record straight and simply say that I want the best for DD and things are difficult with DH at present and so often it is a stressful experience. I realise private schools are not things into which everyone buys emotionally or ideologically. They exist, however, and their presence is a fact. I am not ashamed to admit that our jobs have brought money and that we are choosing to spend some of it to educate DD privately. I reiterate any offence I have caused is regretted but we are pleased about our choices for DD. There have been some very nasty posts attacking me as a woman when the posters of such do not know me. For anything I have said which has provoked an anti-reaction I apologise. What I will not apologise for though is giving DD the best I can and for being proud to have been at my own boarding school which I loved and which I support fully to this day.

Hi OP
Also have an academic DD, my two p's worth: she is at DH and loving it.

-Academic achievement definitely a priority here, and the GCSE-A-Level exam cycle is treated as the start of their 'career' (this may be the same in other schools, I am a bit out of date!) Extra exams and early exam taking can be arranged, too: my dd is taking early GCSEs.
-However, the girls seem to have enormous fun as well, plus the headmistress is incredible.
-My DD is very level-headed but happy to report no 'mean girl' nonsense / bitchiness / eating disorders, which was a concern of mine.
-If your DDs have sporting or musical talent as well: there are lots of very strong all-rounders here, and this seems to fuel achievement among the girls themselves, which I find very interesting - e.g. they are naturally encouraged to push themselves, as everyone else is.

DH topped all the others for me (was originally looking at St Swithuns, and WA) due to

• Academic ethos led by a very strong headmistress
• Cosy size and family feel
• Good facilities, but maybe not as impressive as the larger schools
• Great alumni network, very strong academic and career support

Good luck with your choice, it is exciting when you find the right fit!

BrightNewLife A fantastically supportive and helpful post – massive thank you. Everything you say makes sense and am pleased DD is enjoying Downe House. It is somewhere we are considering actively. DD likes sport and wants to learn lax. Is currently equestrian-minded. It is fantastic to see a post such as yours which is helpful and designed to offer advice on DD which is appreciated my myself greatly. Other places seeing are WA, CLC and Benenden although one poster VERY helpfully suggested Malvern St James. Have emailed them this weekend midst the domestic turmoil here!

I don’t know why you would assume parents at day schools are helicopter parents.
I don't, I say parents at day schools may be. Boarding school parents can't be except for the holidays.

I don't think your first point for wanting boarding is any different for boarding vs day private for (1) and neither do I think special needs are necessarily better dealt with. It depends on the school.

'Oxbridge coaching'. If you mean by that access to talks in the evenings by outside speakers, yes boarding schools do offer that and day schools may have less opportunity to do so. Otherwise 'Oxbridge coaching' is more about style of teaching in lessons to extend the bright so again that depends on the school rather than boarding per se.
One of the other reasons for boarding is that it widens the choice of schools available that would best fit the DCs.

OP I am sure Malvern St James is a good school but it would not be one that I would put as first choice for a very academic girl.
Downe house I would include in the list.

My boarding school son has to work much much harder.
I don't think you can generalise from one DS at one boarding school that all full boarders work much harder than at day schools.
I would be interested to know which boarding school piled on more work than equally academic day schools.

Sendsummer - a child at boarding school has long prep sessions in a quiet room, usually with some degree of supervision. No distractions or access to TV/Xbox/the world outside. No I can’t generalise that all boarders work harder than pupils at day schools but it is made harder for them to skive because they have longer days and are more timetabled.
My daughters did their GCSEs at a super academic day school but school finished at 4pm. They had to discipline themselves to get on with their work in the evenings.
As I mentioned I have a child at a top grammar, a good comp, an academic independent day school and a boarding school. The support in a boarding school is simply incredible in comparison and for us it’s worth every penny. I’m sure not all boarding schools are the same and it isn’t even a ‘top tier’ one, but this is my experience.

Just looked at the Sutton Trust report. Apparently 48% of 11-16 year olds in London have had private tuition. I’m amazed!
Probably still cheaper than sending them to Eton, but quite shocking - at least to me who doesn’t live there.
Better up my game out here in the sticks 😁