Unmotivated son

[Ouch44]

My DS is in Yr7 at grammar school. Had a letter earlier in year to say he is on their G&T list for Maths. He has been asked to go to an extra Maths thing tomorrow in his Skills for Life lesson with 2 girls in his class. He was asked in front of the class and he asked if it was compulsory to go and was told it wasn't and is now refusing to go. He says it'll be boring and he likes the class he'll miss. Think it sounds like he is worried people will think he's a geek. His words!

In general his attitude is like this. When he found out he was on the list he was fed up that he'd have more "boring" work to do and at the thought of having higher targets. He rushes and can't be bothered with a lot of his homework.

Any advice on how we can improve his attitude? Everything we say seems to be shrugged off. He has recently got better at actually getting his homework out to do without being nagged. Also, do you think I should try and make him go to this extra Maths thing tomorrow? I can understand his reasons for not wanting to. I didn't let on though.

I think he's got a point, tbh.

Sounds like the odd teacher in my youth who would give you more work if you finished early. NOt the greatest incentive for most dc or adults tbh.

Make him sit the 13+ and send him to a competitive private school if you can afford it /are offered the appropriate scholarships. Academic attainment is a competitive sport in those places (and if children are unmotivated despite leer pressure the school still pushes them through). Schools like Tonbridge are great at dealing with immature students like your son so that they still get the opportunity to go to university and blossom late iyswim.

I can too. I think most teachers gave us extra work if we finished early at my school.
Just frustrated by his lack of motivation in general

Sorry, x posted was replying to first message.

Am going to speak to him when he wakes up in a mo. Completely agree about the not wanting to stand out point and he is doing well in Maths at school despite not really liking it.

I find it sad that he used to love Maths at primary and it is now just another boring subject. Down to the teacher and all the assessments I think.

We are in the Manchester area and will have a think about schools. I expect he could have got into Altrincham boys school but he didn't want to go to an all boys school and we agreed

What class does he want to go to? If it's art, PE or IT he could do it at home, (also geog etc if they give him the work). Maybe compromise say if you go in G&T then you can have an Xbox or a gift or something for being so talented?

Oh for heaven’s sake Dairy, he is possibly still only 11, and in Yr 7, how is he ‘immature’? And if he G&T in Maths even if he doesn’t love it, he’s hardly teetering on the borderline for University in 7 years time.

Oh, and my Dd’s State school thrashed Tonbridge in a recent Royal Society science based competition.

OP: enjoyment in learning is all. If he responds well to competitive pressure all well and good. But some kids are turned off completely by that. If he is one of these, Encourage, praise, support his own (Constructive) interests, let him discover ways in which he gets intrinsic satisfaction from his learning. Praise effort, ask non-criticising questions about how he thinks he could do even better next time, I.e encourage self evaluation.

At the risk of making him more disengaged/non chalant about learning I would leave him be. Children are unlikely to commit to something (even if pushed into it) unless they're motivated by it. You could explore the reasons why he doesn't want to , perhaps the reason he's bored is because the work us too easy, this new class may challenge him?

I absolutely agree learning should be enjoyable. Always been more interested in him being happy at school than marks. So maybe his attitude is partly due to our laid back approach.

We have told him he doesn't need to go but if he does we will get him some download on his Xbox he is desperate for. He has very sketchy details of what it actually is he's going to. So have told him to go and find out and it's ok if he doesn't want to continue. So he has the chance to say to others he was bribed and it was boring and he won't be going back.

Don't think this is down to him being immature. I don't think he is.

OP, I have been a very laid back parent and have a v bright, able summer born boy. He has no competitive impulse at all. He has always done well at school, got v good GCSEs, but suddenly blossomed into action in Yr 12 when he discovered his passion and dream Uni course. He goes to extra-curricula lectures, is planning to take an extra A level (for his own interest) under his own steam in a gap year.

They can’t lose their intelligence, they can lose their interest, love of learning , engagement with school.

Maybe he will find he enjoys the activity: Good luck!

Thanks Tammy, good to know. As you say it's very early days. And like your son he's really not competitive and too early to know what his passions are at school just yet.

He left the house in a very chirpy mood and seemed happy with the plan and would ask his form tutor more about it first too.