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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Boarding Schools

14 replies

Stuffragette · 17/04/2018 10:27

My son is at a London state all boys school, year 8. He has not settled and we’ve come to the conclusion it just might not be right for him. He’s been offered a place at a small independent mixed school as a boarder. Who has chosen boarding school? Is it working out? Because we haven’t even accepted the place and I’m sobbing about how much I’ll miss him.

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 17/04/2018 11:10

I went to a boarding school a thousand years ago and they have changed since then.

However, it seems a big jump from 'our state school isn't working' to 'independent boarding school'.

What level of boarding is it? Is it weekly so you see him every weekend, or 'full' where you only see him at half terms and holidays, or something in between?

I think that weekly could be good as he can be more independent, have activities laid on, and get schoolwork done, and then you get the fun stuff at the weekend.

Full boarding would be a very big step.

I think that if your son is keen, and the reasons for the issues at current school are clearly not going to be there at the boarding school then it might work. I definitely wouldn't do it if son not keen.

hidingmystatus · 17/04/2018 11:22

My DD is at a boarding school. The absolutely key thing is will boarding suit your DS . That's a personality thing - some children suit boarding and some don't: nothing to do with intelligence/extracurriculars. Then, will the school suit your DS?
If both of those are the case, then (as with my DD) it will most likely work out quite well. My DD is at a full boarding school, but she's still home at least every 3 weeks (weekend exeats, half term, holidays). It works for us. There are also chances for extra weekends home though I don't think she's ever used one.

I do miss her, but (contrary to many comments made on similar threads) we have an excellent relationship and she talks to me openly and fully: she knows that she can come to me with issues and she DOES. I don't think we've lost any closeness since she's been away. She went at 11, btw.
Happy to talk over PM if you want something more specific.

Original poster

Stuffragette · 17/04/2018 11:39

I should have said, I went to a boarding school, the same one as he has been offered a place. I think it could be really good for him. We have family all around the school so he would never be far from a weekend out. It is v informal with regards to weekends out. We could see him every weekend if that was what he/we wanted. He’s a lovely, kind boy with unfortunately not much self belief. We have huge history with this school. I met my husband there when I was 15! Out of curiosity what type of would you say suited boarding? And thank you for your replies. It’s great to hear different opinions.

OP posts:

KirstenRaymonde · 17/04/2018 11:41

What does your DS think? Does he want to board?

Allthebestnamesareused · 17/04/2018 11:58

If he can't settle at a day school with your support why do you think he will settle at a boarding school without you?

I am not trying to be goady but tryinv to understand your thinking. Also with all the family connection etc why didn't you chose to send him there initially?

jellycat1 · 17/04/2018 12:04

So it sounds like he knows the school well? Has he been visiting for alumnae events etc? If it's anything like my old school, lots of my friends' children went / are going for Yr7,
having been to numerous events in the extremely active alumnae society since birth. So it's all very familiar to them and they all feel like part of a big family. That may be peculiar to that particular school though. I completely agree it's horses for courses when it comes to boarding school as a way of life and then also the individual schools themselves. Having been to the school yourself and knowing your son better than probably anyone, what does your gut tell you?

tellitlikeitispls · 17/04/2018 12:23

Only you know your son. What does he think? I don't think there is a 'type' when it comes to boarding. There is no way of knowing until they get there. Shy kids may come out of their shells, or retreat further in. Its an individual thing.
I couldn't do it myself (I also boarded) for various reasons which you don't need to hear, but you are making it sound like a positive move. You know the school. You think it will be good for him. He hasn't settled where he is. He can board weekly. I would give it a go if you can afford to do so. Sometimes a step into independence is a good thing.

happygardening · 17/04/2018 12:41

My DS2 full boarded from 7 he’s now at uni and I have worked in full boarding schools. For those who it works for it’s a positive life changing experience. Boarders develop life experiences which will benefit them throughout their lives. But it’s not for all. Successful boarders are resilient, probably easy going, and adaptable, you are living alongside people some of whom you don’t like, some will irritate, some will be hopelessly untidy when your tidy or vice versa. There’s little privacy, or peace. Boys are physical at your DS’s age they sit in each other roll on each other push and shove, there will be banter, they will at times overstep the line between fun and cruelty often unintentionally sometimes intentionally if your DS is sensitive used to always having things his way he will struggle.
With regard to sobbing as a general principle O believe it’s goid to show your feeling in front on your DC’s but not in this case if you’ve made the decision to send him, get a grip and believe in your and his choice and be positive about it. If you don’t any nagging doubts he has will be amplified by your behaviour and it may not work,
Coming back to my DS2 there have been moments when I hated him boarding and I frequently told him I missed him but looking at the young man he’s become I know I made the right choice.
Finally I suspect much to the chagrin of the anti boarding brigade on here my DS2 has grown into a well adjusted caring young man we have always been really close and now he’s nearly 20 we remain exceptionally close.

BubblesBuddy · 17/04/2018 23:16

With modern boarding, you do see them quite a lot. I think crying over it is about you whereas you have to be happy for him! I saw mine every 3 weeks and went to lots of school events. That was my choice. Other parents didn’t go so much. You do still bond with your boarding child but you don’t have to nag about homework! You get all the good bits. (Except the mounds of washing!)

Coroico97 · 19/04/2018 13:08

Our son just started full boarding and it's working out really well. He is very happy and we still see him a lot. I agree about having all the good bits. Also, at school homework just isn't turned into a 'thing' as everyone doing it at same time. Also, no X-Box arguments as again, they just don't have that there, they just all do other things!! It's been brilliant for him in so many respects - not least, learning to pick up after himself, organise his time and get on with lots of other people!

Brie · 19/04/2018 23:33

Two of mine started boarding school this year. One is absolutely loving it. One is mixed but wants to stick it out. I still have one child at home.

Do not underestimate the loss you will feel at them going, especially if you are a hands on mum.

This whole experience has thrown me for an absolute whirl and I would say I have had a minor (doesn't feel that minor) breakdown, with shocking anxiety and some depression.

I haven't quite managed to fill the gap yet and it has caused frictions in the family dynamic for sure. I am definitely finding it hardest out of everyone. Second hardest would be for the child left behind, who is board and to be honest becoming spoiled.

Having said all of that... they are thriving, and they do love coming home. I think in the long run it will all be fine but to me it feels very unnatural although my DH came from that boarding background so feels just normal to him.

The kids are lucky I guess, although I suppose we would have been able to buy a nice penthouse somewhere with the money we will spunk on it over the years. I try not to think about that... although today was fee paying day.... so....

blackeyes72 · 20/04/2018 14:09

One of my children has started boarding this year and he loves it. He definitely doesn't miss home, I agree with the PP who said that it's me who suffers the most, following by the siblings.

It isn't right for everyone though. The reason is right for DS1 is that he is very dynamic with a mind that races 100 miles an hour and keeping him entertained 24/7 was a nightmare. He also detested his former day school and wasn't keen on the amount of sitting down in the classroom - they get a lot more sport/outdoors activities there.

I do think it takes some adjustment and I definitely don't think it would suit my other son, just a totally different personality.

Original poster

Stuffragette · 20/04/2018 14:50

Thank you all for your messages. He has his test tomorrow so I think Im more nervous than him. I completely agree it is me who will suffer the most. We are very close and I will really miss him. But there are so many opportunities there that he would thrive under that I am going to have to swallow my heart and let him choose. Another thing adding to this is I am bipolar and suffer hugely from depressive episodes and this may give him the space to not worry about me and just enjoy being 13. I'll let you know how we get on. I just want him to be happy and he is so utterly miserable at the moment that I am willing to try anything.

OP posts:

BubblesBuddy · 21/04/2018 18:46

Can I just say I was a hands on Mum as mine went to local schools prior to boarding and I didn’t work. I didn’t feel any great wrench when they boarded at all. This was due to the boarding school being fairly close, the fact they wanted to board and DH and I becoming involved with the school and our DCs lives there. Dcs were 45 minutes drive away. This type of boarding worked for us.

I wouldn’t necessarily choose a school due to family connections, but DC were first generation to board. Many do, however, and the school will be pleased to see you. Many boarding schools tell you that x,y and z’s parents we’re old girls/boys etc. At some schools it certainly leads to special treatment! (When you are on the outside looking in, you notice these things).

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