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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Feel like I’m giving up on DD over Grammar school

47 replies

Bonkersblond · 09/04/2018 23:37

DS attends local grammar school, naturally bright, primary/junior teachers said he would thrive there and he is, he had some tutoring on exam technique. DD was due to sit 11+ this Sept, she is bright but finds maths hard, she gets it eventually........... started with a tutor last Sept to try and improve her maths this led on to 11+ tutoring as she wanted to sit 11+, tutor has been really honest and said she doesn’t know if DD will pass and to stand a chance would need extensive tutoring, an hour a day right up to the test, I’m against this and would worry about DD keeping up if she passed and gained a place. So last sat DD sat a mock 11+, she didn’t do very well in maths, VR and English would also need some extra work. So the test was an eye opener for DD and I have persuaded her to forget about Grammar and hopefully go to the good local comp which she seems happy with at the moment, she is keeping up with Maths tutoring to hopefully sit comfortably in higher sets once there. I know this is right decision for DD so why do I feel so crap that I’m letting her down as in not persuing a Grammar place for her to the bitter end. I know she will be far happier in the mixed comp, she will have a couple of carefree summers before senior school and we can leave all this 11+ nonsense behind us, please tell me I’ve done the right thing, people around me just seem so worked up about their kids going to Grammar.

OP posts:

portico · 11/04/2018 20:28

Bonkersblond, you should persevere and go all guns for the test. You owe it to your dad. My ds2 was a poor performer in primary. Had him tutored, and his grammar entrance exam score enabled him to attend any of the superselectives locally. He was dire in Y7, and turned it around since Nov (he is Y8 now). He would not have flourished at a comprehensive school, as it would have been a mixed ability cohort - just like his state primary, where he would have been overlooked.
Go for it!!!

portico · 11/04/2018 20:30

Btw, mine did very badly in his Y5 pre-assessment and mocks, too. It was a lessons learned for him.

holycityzoo · 11/04/2018 20:34

Definitely the right decision.
Results day is brutal. Much better to pull her now than have feel like she's failed at 11.
Dd1 is at grammar because it was right for her. Dd2 will not sit as it would be hideous for her.
As others have said it about choosing the right path for her.

AJPTaylor · 11/04/2018 20:35

You probably feel bad because you were so swept up in the whole grammar school vibe for ds and probably celebrated his success.

dayinlifeof · 11/04/2018 20:36

You aren't giving up, you are recognising what is the right school for her. Grammar school is not the be all and end all of education, happiness and good mental health come first and educational success (whatever that might look like for your DD) is far more likely if they are in an environment that suits them.

You sound like a lovely parent who is considering the well being of your daughter above the 'prestige' of having a child at grammar school.

admission · 11/04/2018 20:47

As a governor at a school, which is comprehensive and takes a lot of pupils who are in that "just not quite good enough" area, I would say that you have made absolutely the right choice. As I also sit on admission appeals for some grammar schools as well I can confirm that we regularly see parents desperate to get their child into the grammar school, when they are clearly doing it more for their own ego than their child's future. You are making the right decision for your daughter happiness in the future.
You daughter can shine at the preferred school , still end up with excellent results and a university degree and more importantly know that you and her have done the right thing now by ignoring the lure of the grammar school.

MRSMYM · 11/04/2018 22:19

@ruedewakenig .. yes in Sutton ...please help me in one thing which exam board nonsuch grammar follows is it CEM or GL ?? What are these ? Someone just told me which is making me more confused ..DD really struggling with the comprehension doing bond any other material you can suggest as your past posts helped me a lot ... thanks for help

RueDeWakening · 11/04/2018 22:48

Nonsuch and WHSG have a joint entrance exam. They don't use either CEM or GL, the schools write their own papers and they are different to other exam boards used in other areas.

steppemum · 11/04/2018 23:04

I do 11+ tutoring, and I am always really honest with parents. Most don't care, they want to do everything to get their kids in.

Last year I had a student who was really bad at maths, in every other area she was amazing, and had that glee for learning that grammar schools love.
I told mum and dad in set within a couple of weeks of having her that her maths was unlikely to pass, and that I would do all I could but really she was borderline. They were desperate and kept going, and I spoke to them several times and stressed that they must give her a positvie alternative to take the pressure off.
On the day she was really lucky. The kids all said the maths was easy (so she managed it, or some of it) and the English hard, (so she was able to shine in that bit) and she got in.

I am still not sure if it was the right thing for her, and her english etc is very strong

It is refreshing to hear a parent that thinks more about the school that will be best for their child and not just push the grammar dream mindlessly. It is not the right place for every child.
If you have a decent alternative, then find the school that fits the child.
It is better for her to be a bright child/near top in her class in the comp than struggle in the grammar

mifiwifihifive · 11/04/2018 23:16

OP, your daughter's first choice (with GStream) sounds like a school local to us. That's the one my children want. They are just not interested in GSchool- and there's no point if they don't want to go- they need to feel like they 'fit'.

MRSMYM · 12/04/2018 08:33

@Steppemum
Sorry for being so naive but what do you mean by strong English .. please explain and if you can give some advice on stage 2 Set (Nonsuch) English that would be much appreciated .English is a second language here and I am home tutoring as well .. it's a real struggle

Hoppinggreen · 12/04/2018 08:38

There were some kids at DD’s School who probably shouting have taken the exam but did, results day was heartbreaking

Petalflowers · 12/04/2018 08:43

Tutoring once a week for GS is fine (mine both did). Tutoring e pveryday is not fine, and shows either your dd is not ready for GS (or your tutor is trying to make a fast buck).

You are doing the right thing and supporting your daughter. She will probably flourish at local comp, and get the same grades that she would have done at Gs. I’ve seen kids who hated exams at 11, and have been predicted A at gcse.

RueDeWakening · 12/04/2018 17:24

@MRSMYM PM me your email and I'll send you some info about Nonsuch - my DD qualified for Nonsuch and WHSG and is starting WHSG in September so it's recent experience.

steppemum · 13/04/2018 15:11

Tutoring once a week for GS is fine (mine both did). Tutoring e pveryday is not fine, and shows either your dd is not ready for GS (or your tutor is trying to make a fast buck).

couldn't agree more.

@MRSMYM strong English means broad vocabulary, good grasp of grammar, and good comprehension. I'm sorry I don't have any experience of Nonsuch or WHSG as I live in a different area

FireplaceLover · 13/04/2018 15:27

It’s absolutely the right decision. We live in a grammar area (Trafford) but we’re lucky in that our local comp is excellent and really is a comp rather than a secondary modern. I’m going to end up with 2 at grammar and one at the comp because all 3 are very different.

Laura0806 · 20/04/2018 10:41

I've made the same decision. It's very hard not to feel like you've done the wrong thing when all around you seem obsessed. I've even had one parent stop speaking to me because my child is in a higher group than hers and we're not doing the 11+. I have 2 children in grammar but it is not right for this one. She doesn't want to do it and is very borderline. If she passed, I fear she would struggle and if she failed well then what will that do to her self-esteem so we have decided not to take it.

Toomanycats99 · 21/04/2018 10:49

My dd sat 11+ last year. I had been told by her y3 teacher she was certain for it. Her Tutors pre assessment also scored her very highly and told me she was as sure as she could be she would pass. She had an hour once a week. Again she was the type that loves learning.

However in the last few months it became clear that she was struggling a bit with maths - floods of tears calling herself stupid etc. She is an end of August baby so very young. In the end we stepped right back did very little work over the summer and I just said what will be will be.

She got through first stage but did not meet minimum standard for maths even though she scored way over for English.

We were both upset but I kept telling myself that emotionally I know she will be happier top stream of a non grammar than mid / bottom stream of a grammar. In her mind that would make her stupid even though the standard there will be there will be higher than anywhere else.

I must admit I did regret letting it go when we didn't get into our preferred strong performing comp in March and keep wondering what if. However I then have to keep telling myself that she may have found the pressure too much.

We are currently near the top of the waiting list for a different comp that takes a proportion of its intake as those that past first stage 11+ and I'm hoping we get in. The backup choice if you like as others have mentioned!

If we do then I feel confident that she will have the opportunity to achieve as much as she can. The one she is currently allocated whilst I can see it is an ok school I feel that she could get better results elsewhere.

Notenoughsleepmumof3 · 23/04/2018 12:23

You're doing the right thing, absolutely. There are many pathways. If she is happy she will do well and sounds like she has great support and encouragement at home. That is a winning recipe, the school choice won't make any difference. I have one in a grammar and one in a comp.

CatkinToadflax · 23/04/2018 12:33

Another one here who agrees that you're making absolutely the right decision, OP. The best path for your DS isn't necessarily also the best path for your DD. I went to a grammar and was very much middle-of-the-middle in that school, so was perfectly happy and did OK. However the very few girls who admitted to having been tutored (hardly anyone was back then) generally struggled and had a pretty miserable time at school. For my own children's education we left the county on purpose to get out of Grammarschoolshire!

MRSMYM · 11/05/2018 14:39

What are these stand for
IC and FSM reading through some forums found them ..

Toomanycats99 · 11/05/2018 15:02

In catchment and free school meals probably

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