Would you leave your Y10 to do nothing?

[Ladydepp]

DS is a bright boy, rarely revises and does absolute minimum for homework. He gets good marks and good reports (but teachers all remark he could do better). His spare time is spent on music or PS4 or other screens. He occasionally plays football in the park.

His school (selective indie) has set a little Easter homework plus 4-5 hours max of organising notes for upcoming end of year exams. His books are a mess, pages all over the place.

He has done nothing during first 2 weeks of holiday. He has 1 week left, but really only 5 days as he has a short school trip. Today I suggested he knuckle down and do a little work and he practically accused me of modern slavery. He says he’s got “loads” of time and besides “no one” does any work at Easter.

So I’m in two minds. On one hand I feel like leaving him to it, no more reminders or nagging. But on the other hand when he’s sitting and dossing in front of a screen all day I feel like ripping the plug out and making him do some work. He’s got GCSEs next year and perhaps it’s finally time to pull his finger out.

Any advice from those with similar age kids?

Very hard. Would he do an hour a day for next 5 days?
Or, maybe he needs to mess up here and learn a lesson 'safely'.

Another though- maybe the mess of his books are daunting him. I am very messy and when at university had regular panics when saw other students with their neat binder files [long time ago!].
Computers have helped me. Getting things typed- even just in draft notes or on emails means I don't lose notes.
However, I -even now- would find support hard to take as wmbarrassed by disorganised looking messes I create on paper...
Good luck!

I tend to go against the grain on this on MN. I think you need to put up with the griping, turn the wifi off and get him to do a few hours' solid study.

Does he need to type his scruffy notes into more manageable form?
I have a year 8.
Time will tell re year 10 how strict I shall be!!

This is so frustrating as I have been there. I but they eventually have to be able to see they need to do it for themselves. As they say, you can take a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.
I tried everything, encouraging, moaning, battles, ignoring and leaving them to it and that one was hard. Mine are both in uni now and everyone is different, one was more self motivated, the other drove me round the bend with his attitude to school work and revising. They know what they really need to do.

Having had a disordered son, I would sit with him each morning and help him get his work in order. The trouble is that if they are bright enough they will just wing it until they cannot do that any more then it is too big a job to learn how to get organised. You always hear about boys realising when things go wrong, but sometimes that can be too late.

IIrc it was about this age that I said to ds1, after years of nagging/reminding to do homework (and countless miserable Parent Teacher meetings where I was told that he was bright and would do so much better if he did his homework) that I was Out. It was now his responsibility to ensure he did his own work, and that he could pass or fail on his own.

I told him that it was his own life, and if he chose to screw it up by not doing well in his exams and not making it to uni (which was his goal), well that was his choice. I did also say that if he failed them all he would be expected to get a job as soon as he left school, and pay large amounts of rent until he found his own home. Lounging around 'finding himself' was not an option.

It pulled him up short. He'd grown lazy, essentially- if I didn't remind him, it was an excuse that he would use to get out of doing it.

Whether that would work with yours, I don't know. It was very hard to stop myself from steaming in there to nag, but I did it- and so did he. And now he's graduated with a great degree

I had a parent call me up to talk about a child doing this. We ended up agreeing that the next time they had an assessment I'd pick something that couldn't be chanced (so a topic I knew their DC wasn't secure on) and mark their child's as low as possible within tolerance as a wake up call.
They were devestated to come in almost 2 grades under the rest of the class. It was a shock but that was what they needed.

It wouldn't work for everyone. A different child in the same class it would have had no effect on because they had a victim complex where all the teachers were always picking on them (nothing to do with being arrogant, lazy & doing limited work).

There's no right and wrong. If a child thinks they are so bright that they can just turn up and be fine, how you deal with it relies on knowing the student's personality.

With my own teen boys I have found it can be daunting to make a start, particularly if they get in a mess with notes all over the place. I found sitting down with them and helping to tidy desk, organise notes etc enabled them to regain focus and self motivate again. Personally I found "what can I do to help you get started?" most effective.

I totally understand. I have similar with Ds1 in year 9. I have just insisted that some homework was done last week.

He has the victim complex, so a lower mark wouldn't work.

Infact both ds's only do the bare minimum. And are not exceptionally bright, but bright enough to just about get away with it. It bothers me. But I know not what to do about it.

I think it's really hard to make them work but you can take the distractions away.

I have an agreement with mine that the Playstation etc are not available outside of certain hours but if homework has been done and they have been helpful those hours increase. I give them some element of control in this - we mutually agree the hours - one of mine likes lazy mornings in bed then to do something constructive (homework or sport) and then chills out. The other prefers the opposite - slobs around all morning and goes out in the afternoon.

I'll enforce by removing the router or the controllers if I need to.

I’m with Shodan. Nagging and enforcing work doesn’t work for my DS in yr 10. But I have made my expectations about post school very clear, and continue to do so every now and again, how working gives you choice to do more of what you want when you’re an adult, and my house costs money to run and help will be needed.

All I have to add is my DS is in year 11 and it all suddenly kicked in by October of year 11 and he spent Christmas holidays revising for mocks and is revising everyday over Easter. He started revision for year 10 exams after Easter last year.

This is my DS. He's always been clever enough to get by doing absolutely nothing except homework and attending lessons. He never revised for any end of year exams/mocks despite my constant nagging. Notes have always been in total chaos. Can argue his way out of a paper bag though so always has an excuse for not working. He's in Year 11 now and doing his iGCSEs in 5 weeks and he has just started to revise this holiday. I think it is far too late and he is not going to do as well as he and everyone else thought. Which is a shame for him. I would strongly advise getting you DS into the habit of doing more than the basics now, or things could get tricky.

I would often remind him of the reasons he wants to do well, and what the benefits will be of getting good/decent marks. Also, I would talk about the pathways that will be open to him if he doesn't do well.

I think by MN standards that counts as "leave him to do nothing", so yes is my answer to your question. I can live with that in very good conscience. It's his future. Not mine.

My dd goes to a similar is school and is doing no homework at all over Easter partly because she needs a rest and partly because we are away and I don't think it's necessary as such BUT in your case as work/sorting has been set I would definitely ensure that what has been set is done and would take screens away until it was.

Melamin - exactly my worry, he will hit a wall eventually where his memory alone won’t be enough and then he won’t have the revision skills necessary to make up the difference.

It’s a good idea reminding him about his future but because he doesn’t have any clue what he wants to do I think that particular carrot is not available yet. He actually pulled his socks up a bit for 11+ as he wanted this particular secondary school.

MrsEricBana - yes I agree, if the school have set work then I think it’s essential he do it.

A PP also mentioned sitting down with him to get him started and I think that is a good idea, his notes are so chaotic that he might not know where to start. Of course that relies on him having all his notes, which seems unlikely.

Allthebest- I really hope my ds has a revelation soon like your ds!

Sayatika - I hope your ds manages to get some good results despite his late start on the revision front.

Last year my year 10 Dd spent 1 week of the Easter holidays on Holiday & the other week on a ballet residential. I don’t think any schoolwork was done.

Now she’s in Year 11 she is balancing revising with rest pretty well.

he doesn’t have any clue what he wants to do I think that particular carrot is not available yet

Actually it gives you a massisive carrot!

He has more opportunity and choice the better he does in his exams

What's he planning in doing after school have you researched colleges or courses etc does he know what he needs to get in?

I’m also a bit anxious as a friend’s bright ds bombed his GCSEs a couple of years ago and it’s had a pretty major negative impact on his life. I don’t think ds will bomb his, I just think he won’t reach his full potential, which is so frustrating!

Anyway, my goal is to stay calm, offer my help and encourage him without nagging - sounds good written down, we shall see if it’s achievable!

GreenTulips - he really doesn’t know, he likes music, languages and science. I have no idea what A levels he would want to do, hopefully the next year will give some clarity.

successatschool.org/careerzones

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