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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Daughter passed entrance exam but doesn’t want to go to independent school

42 replies

ttsmum · 04/03/2018 10:37

My dd really wanted to attend our local independent school. Her brother is currently at the only state school in the town and whilst he is doing ok, I have seen a decline in his attitude to work and his general behaviour since he started over a year ago.

So I arranged for my dd to have tutoring to get her through the entrance exam and I and she was delighted when she passed. She has now freaked and doesn’t want to accept the place. Today is the deadline. We have spent the past month since she passed trying to talk to her about options, why she doesn’t want to go, why she does want to go to the local secondary school with her bother but she cannot give any sensible reasons. I got her to do a list, I’ve tried and tried to talk to her but I don’t think she is mature enough to come to any sensible reasons for either option. For instance she said she’s gone off baked beans - and like beans she’s gone off the idea of going to the independent school. Previously she said that the headmaster at the comp was a vampire. These are not reasons. I’ve talked her through what I think the pros and cons of each option are but no to avail. Please help. I think she may regret her decision but. I don’t want to push her.

OP posts:

user1474652148 · 04/03/2018 14:26

Your dd is too young to fully understand the consequences of her decision, as given she has this wonderful opportunity by passing I would positively embark on the independent school with yearly reviews and reward her for giving it a try with enthusiasm. Perhaps a special day trip at Christmas if she shows genuine willing to give it her best shot.
You could find out if you know anyone else going and hook up in the coming months to ease the transition.
If you have tried it you will have no regrets whatever way it goes.

montenotte · 04/03/2018 14:34

She can't give you one good reason. Therefore you make the decision.

nocampinghere · 04/03/2018 14:35

If she really didn't want to go she'd find a good reason.
She's just scared, anxious, worried and it's coming out as silliness.
Of course the state school is an easier choice for her - friends, brother, familiarity. It doesn't mean it's the right school.

Whitecurrants · 04/03/2018 14:47

Can you find some nearby girls (better still people she knows already) who are going to the school and encourage her to spend time with them over the next few months?

ReelingLush18 · 04/03/2018 14:49

OP, your DD sounds as if she's playing you. You'll be damned if you do, damned if you don't. I would suggest you weigh up the pros and cons of the private school option (vs the state school) and decide without including her. As PPs have said, you can always review two terms down the line...

Daisymay2 · 04/03/2018 15:00

Sorry - bit I think that at 10/11 it is a parental decision. Of course she wants to go with her friends.
I was the only one in my year at primary school to pass the 11 plus but wanted to go to the sink secondary modern with the others. My parents made the decision and I soon settled in!
My boys wanted to stay at their prep school until 13 when most of their peers moved on - even the one who was bullied. The senior school admitted most of their senior pupils in year 7 so they moved. They said afterwards that they were pleased they moved "early" as they felt that those who came later did not settle in so well.

ReelingLush18 · 04/03/2018 15:07

Once children have started at secondary schools they tend not to look back and pine for their former primary school friends. I've found this to be the case with both of mine. DS wasn't fussed at all (and he moved to a school with none of his friends, as did many others in his class). DD I did expect to have issues with about ending up at school with none of her closest friendship group. I think they just need a decision made and to get used to it. I think in some ways DD was relieved to move on and start afresh.

Your DD will be fine once you've made the decision on her behalf! There are times when they do need to be told what's best for them - and schooling is one of them!

Good luck!

youarenotkiddingme · 04/03/2018 15:16

My ds is 13. Even now I know if he can't give me a reasonable reason for making a decision it's because he actually can't make the decision iyswim!

I call it deflection. If he's stupid about both choices he knows eventually I'll have a strop make the decision for him.

peteneras · 04/03/2018 15:55

Sometimes one has got to take over as a parent and make decisions. In all honesty, what can a 11-year-old decide, especially in a potential life-changing situation? What are parents for? If I was to allow my child to make his own decisions when he was a young lad, he would one, go to the same comprehensive as most of his friends, and two, be a train driver.

Today he can hardly remember any of his friends from primary school days. He was very reluctant to leave them behind in order to go to boarding school at age 10. I told him if at any time he felt he wanted to come home, just give me a ring and I'd be there to get him home in less than three hours and the decision would be final. He never did ring. And he couldn't remember when was the last time he was at a proper train (not tube) station either, never mind driving one.

glasshalfemp · 04/03/2018 16:02

My children didn’t even come on open days. We viewed and chose the schools then told them where they were going. Childhood is very short

Original poster

ttsmum · 04/03/2018 16:12

I told her she was going to the independent school. We’ve now had many tears and a “teenage” strop. She still can’t tell me why she wants to go to the comp. All she can say is she prefers it. Based on who knows what - she did spend one day there in year 5 as part of a “gifted and talented” day. But that’s one day and this choice has the potential to effect her choices in the future. Mind you my DH isn’t really helping as he says she should be allowed to make her own choice. I’ve taken some time out and will head back to this later 😳. And then hit the red wine !

OP posts:

Gruach · 04/03/2018 16:22

IheartNiles 21% of Eton pupils are on some sort of bursary. (Around 70 receive 100%.)

You have done the right thing OP. (There’s no guarantee on outcome obviously - but you’ve made the right decision on the available evidence.)

Parsley1234 · 04/03/2018 16:27

Slightly different I was accepted into art college at 16 whereas I was happy to stay in my small town do a hairdressers apprenticeship and stay with my bf my mum was having none of it. She pushed me outwards and forward and for that I will be eternally grateful she changed the way I saw the world and that is what you will be doing. My son is at an indie and the difference between him and friends he was at nursery with are poles apart. Trust your instinct your husband is not right she is too young to make such a decision although I agree with poster up thread your daughters life experiences will be different from her brothers which may cause for discontent later on. Good luck

ReinettePompadour · 04/03/2018 16:32

@ttsmum I mean this in the nicest possible way.....stop talking to her about it. You will be making things far worse by constantly bringing the subject up. You need to let her calm down and have a good few weeks to clear her head. She isn't going to listen to you at the moment, as you have said repeatedly you keep talking at her about it and shes just digging her heels in. Honestly, drink your red wine and forget about it for now. Enrol her and don't mention it to her again until it comes to her induction days or uniform fitting whichever comes first.

Chat about holidays and birthdays anything but school.

Thehogfather · 04/03/2018 16:37

I think you should tell her to wait till the trial/ settling in day in summer, and promise you'll discuss it in more detail after she's experienced it.

Obviously unless she's distraught I wouldn't give in and go with her choice. But 11yr olds can be pigheaded and hormonal, and you don't want her going either for the day or in September determined to hate it. And maybe a day there with her new fellow classmates, chance to see the advantages, making some friends etc might do the trick.

thegreylady · 04/03/2018 17:49

Back in the 80s my dd was offered a place at Bolton Girls. She refused to go and as her dad was terminally ill and her brother was at the local comp (where I also taught) I gave in.
She did ok, went to University etc but I still feel I let her down by not insisting.

SlackPanther · 04/03/2018 18:30

"I have seen a decline in his attitude to work and his general behaviour since he started over a year ago. "

I bet there is many a parent of an adolescent boy who says that as they move through secondary

I always think that co-operation is 50% of success at school, so i really hope your dd comes round to the idea and enjoys the school.

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