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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Son in year 8 hating school

18 replies

lotti37 · 27/01/2018 12:26

Hello

My son is in year 8 and he goes to a school on the other side of town . He has never settled. He is such a lovely gentle nice boy older than his years in many ways .

He is really struggling on the friendship side as he says they are all horrible and swear and are nasty to each other or make fun of each other. They all came from feeder schools and are all in there groups .

He has had lunch with different groups but they say they are going to meet him at a certain place and are not there or they don’t wait for him while he goes to the toilet. Feel really heart broken for him as he has been in tears a lot about this and is always trying to get time off School. 12 days sick since September . He said the other day he has no more tears to cry .he says he finds it hard to concentrate as he feels sad and lonely. He is a bright boy. He likes the teacher and the school but says there are no nice children there in his year .

He has been having lunch on his own this week which really upsets me . There are 2 other schools that he likes and he is on the waitlist , one boys School which is where all his friends are and the other is a new school which is small only 4 classes per year .we were offered a place here originally but went for his current school as it was one of the best in the town.

He gets really anxious and is a worrier. Always seems to have a problem, he is very sensitive . As parents we really worry about him and do not know what to do for the best. I wonder whether to take him to the doctors as I worry about his health and mental health .about 6 months he has taken a kitchen knife out of the draw before and said things . We are obviously very concerned about him .

My son really struggles being away from his friends. He really wants to be with his friend at the boys school . Do we appeal for the boys School . My friend said to take him out of his current school,take him to the doctors and say about his mental health struggling etc appeal for the school you want and Home School him in the meantime. Not keen on home schooling as I want him to mix with children and not become introverted anymore .

The new small School we could appeal saying he suits a small School better and struggling.

My second son will find out his allocated school on the 1st March just to add to the confusion .

What would you do ? Any advice would be really appreciated . Thank you very much

OP posts:

DinkyDaisy · 27/01/2018 13:17

Hello,
Has the school been helpful at all? Have you had a meeting with his tutor or emailed your concerns? It would be good to get a handle on what is going on as don't want the same problem to perhaps manifest itself in a new school.
Secondary school is a whole new ball game isn't it....

Original poster

lotti37 · 27/01/2018 15:37

I told the school about 3 months ago that he was struggling socially and he has a learning support worker at the school that he sees once every other week but she has not done much . I have told another teacher

OP posts:

Original poster

lotti37 · 27/01/2018 15:43

Sorry posted too early by mistake. I have told another teacher who is good friends with his form teacher to make them aware . It’s the lunchtimes that are the problem as they don’t really have many clubs apart from badminton and table tennis . How can the school make children have lunch with my son

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ShawshanksRedemption · 27/01/2018 19:27

I would definitely take him to the GP over the knife from the drawer incident.

The school cannot make children have lunch with your son. They can perhaps have peer mentors to support him, but kids that age do swear/banter/tease etc and it seems like your son struggles with that aspect. Has he ever been assessed for SEN with regards to the social side at all?

Original poster

lotti37 · 27/01/2018 23:14

Shawshamps - I like the sound of the peer mentor . He has never been assessed buy sen. He is just shy and sensitive and older than his years in many ways . What clubs outside school do you think would help him develop his social skills ?

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BertrandRussell · 28/01/2018 07:09

What does he like to do? Youth Theatre was a godsend for my ds when School was difficult.

RitaConnors · 28/01/2018 07:30

Any clubs will help him with his social skills, though I agree a drama one would be extra helpful. I think it’s good for teenagers to have something outside of school that they are good at. Roller blading, indoor climbing, sewing. And they meet different people so they have more than one friendship circle.

In school, he should try to go to clubs that actually interest him as he is likely to find people there who are like him and who can talk about the same things he is interested in. Chess and war hammer club are two that my friends ds attends for example.

It’s possible that the other children are not waiting for him etc. as they aren’t seeing him as a definite part their group or they are forgetting about him as he is quiet rather than they are deliberately excluding him.

samlovesdilys · 28/01/2018 07:41

Does the school have a library? My son spent much of the first year in there at lunch - few friends also and finds social times anxious. He appreciated the quiet time and met some people more 'like' him.

Oblomov18 · 28/01/2018 07:56

Why did you choose this school, over the school that all his friends were going to?
Was this school really that much better? Do you think you've made a mistake? Or misjudged how huge this was? And you wished you'd prepared him more?
How did he feel about going there?
How does he feel now?

When your son is naturally so anxious and friendships are so important.
Mind you, saying that, Ds1's school has 6 feeder schools, and he now has a lovely group of friends, most of which are a complete mix up of all the feeder schools. Ie kids mix. Or maybe yours doesn't that much? And it's more cliquey?

Talk to tutor again? GP? Talk to other school re where he is on the list?

Original poster

lotti37 · 28/01/2018 13:46

Thank you everyone . The school that we wanted was the local boys School which is so oversubscribed and he didn’t get in. All his friends are there . He is on the waitlist . I email them every 2 months to see where he is on the list . His current school we put as 3rd choice on our original application . This school does not have that many clubs at lunch time .
I will ask my son to try and make more of an effort with the group but he has never felt part of the group. He tries having lunch with different groups but never feels part of the group . He has given up on all of them and is now on his own . I will go and see the ether head of year or his form teacher. Which do you think is best ? Thank you

He currently does sea cadettes and karate (very small group mostly adults with just a few children)and hockey at school . He doesn’t enjoy the sea cadettes , he joined in may and hasn’t been for the last 6 weeks . He finds it boring during winter months as not allowed on the water .i think drama would be good. Do you think more girls tend to go to this ?

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Original poster

lotti37 · 29/01/2018 14:21

Another day off school as he is too stressed to go to school and got himself into a state. Husband is now talking about taking him out and sending him to a private school . Not sure how different that will be or whether that is the right answer.

My husband worries about whether he pushed enoughed at secondary school as well . Is there a big difference between comprehensive secondary’s and private ? Thank you

OP posts:

Perigord · 29/01/2018 14:29

I would think so as people wouldn't pay for them otherwise. Dd is happy at her comp, but as your ds isn't and you can presumably afford private I'd definitely look round it unless you think there's a strong chance he's about to be offered a place at the boys' school. Sounds like it's not working out at the current school. Sorry your ds is so unhappy.

Yogagirl123 · 29/01/2018 14:36

My son had really bad trouble settling at school. I was horrible to see him so stressed. When I raised my concerns with the school, they were brilliant and things did improve. I am sorry to hear this hasn’t been the case for you.

What is he worried about? I know my son got himself worked up about finding the class rooms, getting used to the different teachers. As you don’t want these fears to be switched to another school. He needs to tell you how you and the school can help him.

Please speak to the school again before you take him out. Speak to the school he wanted to go to originally about a place or if you truly believe the private school may be a better option and you can afford to do so, why not it’s your choice, but if it’s due to bullying, their are bullies everywhere so it might not prove as simple as changing schools.

I wish you and your son all the best, I can understand what a worry it is. I hope you get things sorted very soon.

Original poster

lotti37 · 29/01/2018 22:54

Thank you for your replies xx . I rang the school today and spoke to the head of pastoral care and explained he is really unhappy and How it is affecting his concentration in class. He is having lunch on his own as he doesn’t like the boys he used to have lunch with . He tried really hard but said they weren’t nice . Yesterday a boy sent him Skype messages saying a girl fancied him but you could see he was playing a prank and we told our son to ignore it which he did. Almost like they see him as a target . Because he has no real friends there he worries about lessons where they have to do group activities as he will end up on his own or with people he doesn’t like . He worries about lunchtime so I have asked for a full list of all the clubs . All he needs is a few nice friends like him . The school are going to ring me after their chat with my son . Hope they sort it for him. How do I know whether he is being pushed at schools.the latest ofsted said that they needed to improve in pushing the most able students x

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DinkyDaisy · 30/01/2018 06:29

Did you feel the school were on side and were going to be supportive?
I really wish you both luck with this. xx

falang · 30/01/2018 06:44

I'd wait and see if your other son gets his place at the boys school. You can then appeal but if there is a big waiting list you probably don't stand much chance I'm afraid. Worth a shot though.

Original poster

lotti37 · 03/02/2018 22:57

He has met with the pastoral care team and I have spoken to them over the phone. They have asked him to think about what sort of friends he wants .i said can they not match him with similar boys maybe in group activities in class . They reiterated he needs to think about what people he would like to be friends with . They said he needs to make sure he goes to afterschool clubs , not that impressed so far will see what happens next week .

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Luna9 · 04/02/2018 16:46

I think your friend is correct. You can appeal for the boys school based on medical and social reasons. I will take him out of his current school, take him to the GP, home schooling him and appeal for the school where his friends are. Don't leave your poor son there when he is so unhappy.

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