Year 7 isn't working ouy

[SheldonandPenny]

Any advice welcome: DS1 is in year 7 but doesn't like the school. We had picked it for DD1 as it had good pastoral care and good results. She was miserable socially in years 7 and 8 and is now only tolerating year 9. DS1 has now joined and seems to be having a similar experience. Stomach aches, increased anger. No real friends. I keep hoping that it's still early days. The year head is very responsive where there's been a specific threat. He hasn't been able to do anything about daily verbal unpleasantness as it's so dispersed.

I stupidly thought that things would be different for DS1. He's very able across the board and sporty. In his large primary school he was popular and confident. He gets his homework done and is still motivated, but he seems really sad about the social side of things. He says he doesn't like the school because of the kids. He is small and slight and we realise there might be a bit of big fish to small fish.

I regret not encouraging him more with local scholarship exams for private schools (where all his primary school friends went). We couldn't really afford it and we were convinced that out of everyone we knew, DD1 would surely be fine.

Is it too late for a scholarship somewhere? He has always been top sets for everything. Or is this just how secondary is for everyone? I've been looking at other school websites hoping for a year 8 scholarship opportunity...

Our DD1 was very unsettled at high school in Year 7. We thought it would right itself in time but we had to move locations at the end of the school year and her new school really did breathe new life into her - am so glad we changed schools. She's since said that there have been quite a few newcomers at her new school from various other schools who just couldn't settle. It certainly does seem to be more common to switch schools since my time at high school. Sorry I have no advice on scholarships!

Thanks Ruleruler. I appreciate your response. I realise others have worse problems so any advice I get I'm grateful for.

It's hard watching them unhappy. We are moving DD1 in September but there's no place for DS1 at the same school. I am nervous about moving him as this school gets the best results and the staff are so great. DH thinks DS1 just needs to put up with it...but he went to private school. I perhaps have more insight into what it can be like.

I know it's not the question that you've asked but I just wanted to say that my previously extremely sociable, popular DS really struggled at secondary school - I would say it took him until Easter of Y7 to find his niche. (and he did go up to secondary with most of his primary friends - albeit they ended up in different classes). I think it does take a while, and moving schools is not necessarily a fix for social concerns - these being a lot down to luck.

(as an aside, younger DD at the same school made several instant new best friends in her first week and never looked back ... so clearly social issues were nothing to do with the school in our case!)

I would give it a bit longer, they are all still finding their feet. I've got a DS in year 7 and they are all still getting moved round in classes. He might find someone he clicks with. My DS has made some friends but no one close who he would see outside of school. Tbh most of them seem to want to add people on the Xbox rather than meet up in person!
Are there any clubs or activities he could join?
You could always put him on a waiting list for the school you're moving your DD to, with a view to seeing how things are by the time a place becomes available.

Thanks all. DS1 is in the school football A team and did join some clubs but these have dwindled. He went to secondary alone so this hasn't helped. There are feeder schools and strong formed groups that he hasn't managed to become part of. I think maybe waiting until the end of the year is best. DD1 has a scholarship for a school that wouldn't be right for DS1..