Not really bullying but not very nice - how best to deal with it

[bluehairnewhair]

My ds is in Year 7 and chose his new school so he'd stay together with friends from primary (he'd had a difficult couple of years at primary, with violence from other kids etc, so wanted to be somewhere he felt 'safe'). He got put in a form with 2 other boys from his primary, one of whom had been one of his best friends at primary. At first, it was all great - he made friends with some other friends of this boy at his new school, and some of their friends. Then one of these new friends decided my ds wasn't 'cool' in some way and started being mean to him. My ds felt he couldn't hang out with any of these boys anymore, including his old close friend (who made no effort to stay friends with him and in fact told him to sit somewhere else).

I know this kind of stuff happens all the time on starting a new school and that old friendships end and new ones start. It's not nice of his old 'friend' or the other boys either, for that matter, but ds never had that much in common with them so probably not a great loss in the long run if he ends up making a better group of friends he has more in common with. Just that he hasn't done that yet.

I feel so much for him. What can I say to him apart from the obvious eg 'their loss'?

He's in a bit of a delicate emotional state at the moment anyway as he lost his much-loved grandpa a few weeks ago (just after this started). All a lot to deal with when you're only 11.

Thanks for all advice.

I think you need to explain that friendships change massively from end y6 to end y8 as people adjust to other experiences, sometimes inventing a 'new' persona for themselves, choosing from a larger pool of people etc. He is not alone.

Give him conversation openers 'did you see I'm a Celeb' 'who's your English teacher' 'what are you doing at Christmas' 'did you see the Chelsea match' whatever.

Check what clubs there are for y7 and try to get him to join something that might appeal where he can meet like minded others.

Did any friends go to other schools? Can you/he arrange to meet with them at all?

Give him a hug.

Thank you!

He won't go to any clubs. I might look for others out of school.

Thanks for ideas.

Clubs are a really good idea. It’s a way of people who are going to have something in common. At my dd’s secondary, some clubs are not on the official timetable as they just spring up depends on the interests of the dc, The kid next door to me goes to a Warhammer club and my own dd has just joined Latin.

To me it sounds like he’s too dependent on the other boy and he needs to be finding his own way. My dd stared secondary halfway through year seven not knowing anyone at all as we had emigrated. We’ve both had to ensure that she has every chance at forming friendships. Which means me driving her all over for netball etc. and making sure she fits in with what bag she has and what she watches on TV and so on.

I sometimes think it is asking a lot to expect friendships to continue when there are new children in the mix. Friendships start to evolve in different directions as children discover other friendship possibilities and gel with those who have common interests.

He may not be ready yet to help himself at school but can you see what is on offer at school that he could do by way of clubs or taking part in something? He may find other boys fall out of friendship groups and that could be a source of friends. It is rather early days but I hope it gets better for him.

Could you ask the school if there's any provision for kids who need a bit of help settling in and making friends. I know at dd's school there is a lunchtime group for that but you'd only know about it if you asked. At other times if he's feeling lonely he could go to the library. Keep encouraging him with the clubs.

Thanks, hadn't thought of that.

Worth mentioning it to the form tutor

This is like my DS but watch out for it turning, this happened in early Y8 to us but now DS been moved classes as the boys isolated him so much and started to bully so rest followed suit, definitely ask form tutor to escalate that he feels isolated and lonely.
My son ended up on Sen, they have a separate unit so he can use it when he wants , a rough few weeks where's he's worked a lot on Sen but he's venturing in the dinner hall now and hopefully a fresh start with a new timetable Monday!
Email pastoral and form tutor again no clubs DS I treated in so started a casual football and also boxing to higher his self esteem