How to support my Yr 7 daughter dealing with sexism from boys in her class?

[AJ65]

DD is having a hard time adjusting to her 'enormous' and 'overwhelming' secondary school and is having a particulary hard time with boys in her class behaving like little thugs.

eg She was partnered with a boy for a class yesterday and he kept getting things wrong, so she kept telling him he was wrong and then he got angry and told her to 'calm down' although she hadn't been raising her voice or acting agitated. Males trying to keep females in their place by telling them their being overemotional when they're not is pretty classic sexism in to my mind!

eg She tells me a lot of girls don't like to speak up in class because the boys laugh at them and put them down when they do.

This is particularly difficult for me because I went to an all girls school and was very aware of the privilege of not having to compete with (or for) boys during school hours.

I've told her she just has to be doubly calm, keep her head, and keep on speaking up in class. It's tough, but it's her education that matters, not theirs.

Any other advice?

I agree with your reasoning Evelyn just not your terminology.

Ability is also subjective.

Absolutely Gino and a child (or adult) can be highly able in one area and low ability in another.

I used Thickie precisely because it is so emotive and is what children hear when a teacher says "lower ability". I was trying to emphasise how inappropriate it would have been for the teacher to explicitly explain that she was pairing high and low ability children. Saying it, no matter how careful your word choice, explicitly labels each child, and children hear the same message whether you say "lower ability" or "thick".

Never the less in order to teach the teachers are making ability assesments. In reality it's impossible to target and plan work and lessons without doing that. Children do know that X isn't good at maths/ English/ geography/ sitting still/ listening to the teacher ... Making labels explicit is damaging, but ignoring an on going, working, assessment of ability during planning and setting work and activities is counterproductive too.

Evelynismyspyname - oh for heaven's sake! There are plenty of ways to say it,
'XX you really seem to have got the hang of this, could you help XY to understand it?' or
'XY, do pay attention to XX as she has really mastered this area' or
'you two will really need to work together on this, as XX might need to be brought up to speed in this area'...

Any of those would have made it clearer, if not explicit, that XY needs to listen to XX and that XX needs to tread gently with XY.

Evelynismyspyname - I never called the other child 'thickie' and never would! You brought that in, not me!!

I only gave one example because life is short and it seemed a particularly egregious one to me as a woman who has been told to 'calm down' for expressing opinions that differentiate me from a doormat!!

Meanwhile, my second example was that my DD comments that MOST OF THE GIRLS IN HER CLASS don't like to draw attention to themselves by engaging in the lessons for fear of being laughed at and/or put down!!

And do the boys laugh at them and/or put them down if they do speak up? Because if they do and if teachers are not instantly stamping on this, I'd be complaining to school.

This is school culture surely?
My dd is in year 9, and my OH teaches at a( different) secondary school, and is also a house head. I've just talked to them both about it.
Both say that laughing at answers given in class is heavily clamped down on. Dd says some teachers are better than others at it, but it is flagged up as unacceptable and punishable.
Dh gives assemblies about promoting each other's learning early in the school year to the new year 7 intake, and polices it strongly after that.
So I would definitely bring it up with your school, find out what their policy is, and tell then in your dds experience it is lacking.

Sexism in schools is an issue but being determined to find it and identify it as the problem in situations where it isn't the issue just makes you that parent or a single issue bore. Even in an all girl's school the scenario you set out would have played out in a similar way. Girl A keeps getting everything wrong. Girl B keeps telling her she's wrong, for the duration of a lesson. "Calm down" is one of the milder things girl A might say to girl B.

I went to a girls school too - it wasn't all sunshine and gender free blue stocking joy of learning either.

I think your advice is brilliant. No advice myself, also ex pupil of a girl's school, things like this remind me just how lucky I was.

In my experience the laughing at classmates who participate in class is anti "swot" or anti academic. Boys are actually more heavily socially sanctioned for serious contributions or any signs of working too hard at school than girls. Boys are allowed to be clever but not to work hard or take education seriously, girls are allowed to work hard but not be too clever. Plenty of girls and boys buck the stereotype without a care, but it takes confidence. Boys perform less well than girls at 11-16.

I really think that you're looking in the wrong places and sexism where it isn't, and missing what's really there. There is tons of sexism about appearance, social life, non academic tasks and extra curricular activities, assigning responsibility, all sorts of things.

RedSkyAtNight - yes they do and that's why the girls are worried about it!

Ohyesiam - Thank You! I am considering contacting the school about it as it seems to be a 'school culture' issue.

Evelynismyspyname - if my DD keeps telling me about annoying behaviour from boys, I will keep being annoyed about it. I want her to get a good education and not be held back by having to support emotionally and academically immature boys.

And BTW, no it wasn't 'it wasn't all sunshine and gender free blue stocking joy of learning either', but it wasn't 'being held down because boys express themselves poorly' either!

Ttbb - Thank You - it wasn't a bed of roses, and I know that some girls who didn't have close male relatives found it difficult to deal with boys/men in later life, but on the whole it was great!

"...not be held back by having to support emotionally and academically immature boys."

You're applying your own prejudices there about boys and in other posts . Which is, er, a fairly sexist thing to do.

AJ65
A boy told her to CALM DOWN you are calling him sexist?
Are you sure that she was very calm as she was explaining to him continually that he had misunderstood the Geography or got it wrong?
Are you sure that she didn't get frustrated with him?
She won't tell you if she did.

You are taking her version of events as gospel.
It would be strange for someone to say, calm down, to someone who was already calm.
Is your daughter very competitive, maybe?
This was very telling, when you stated: I want her to get a good education and not be held back by having to support emotionally and academically immature boys.

But you are perpetuating the sexism by saying she was "hormonal".

This could have been a boy or a girl, not sure how its sexism. But you should teach your DD not to repeatedly point out other peoples mistakes, its not her job and will really annoy people, as happened in this case.

'XX you really seem to have got the hang of this, could you help XY to understand it?' or
'XY, do pay attention to XX as she has really mastered this area' or
'you two will really need to work together on this, as XX might need to be brought up to speed in this area'...

Those are dreadful ideas. The whole form will pick up immediately what is meant. And it wouldn't do your dd any favours to be compared like that among her peers.
And both my girls found working with the lower ability boys frustrating at that age. They probably were bossy about it too. They learnt that was not the best way of getting people to work with them, as they just stuck in their heels (which actually they would also have done in the same situation.)
I had more objections when they basically ended up doing the entire work for the group-that btw that was always a group of girls.

Allthebestnamesareused - that was in response to someone saying boys at that age can be hormonal - try reading all the thread before commenting?

Itsonkyme - yes, yes, I am; it's used to silence girls who stand up for themselves. My comment about her being held back is response to all the people telling me that she should have gone easy on a boy who was getting things wrong; that she should make allowances for him! Don't females have enough to deal with without having to make allowances for male behaviour?

What does her Dad think?
Though not!

Itsonkyme - not quite sure what you're trying to say, but her Dad was unimpressed.

What male behaviour is she supposed to be making allowances for, AJ65? Since he tolerated your dd constantly telling him he was doing everything wrong for quite some time before he got cross and upset about it, it seems to me it was six of one and half a dozen of the other, unless you are suggesting he was getting his answers wrong deliberately because he likes to feel humiliated in front of a girl?! If he had been rude the minute she corrected him for the first time, that's one thing, but what you describe comes across more as a girl lacking in any tact and sensitivity getting increasingly annoyed with a boy she thinks is a bit thick and thuggish, and a boy who can only take so much humiliation. There are ways of correcting people of either sex that are tolerable and there are ways that come across as impatient and condescending.

What makes you think the girl was impatient and condescending, rounders?

They were supposed to be doing a task together. If she just let him carry on getting things wrong, they wouldn't get it done.

I suspect that was the way she came across, because the boy let himself be corrected multiple times before getting cross - not the reaction of someone who is just rude to girls for the sake of it, more the reaction of someone who feels they are being told off by someone who finds him irritating. The whole tone of the OP's posts also very strongly gives the impression that she encourages this view that it is a pain to have to go to a school with boys in it and she was lucky not to have to put up with boys when she went to school. It oozes her own brand of sexism.