How much involvement do you have in 12 year old’s homework?

[BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried]

First year of secondary school. DS hasn’t asked for any help and it hasn’t occurred to me that he needs any. Sometimes he does it in his room and sometimes at the kitchen table. He did ok in his first assessments. Mostly A’s and B’s but a couple of shock D’s in subjects he likes which surprised me and I’ve said he now knows where he needs to work harder for the next assessments and if he gets to the end of a class not understanding something then he has to make a point of asking the teacher either right then or at the start of next class.

Speaking to parents of one of his classmates today and it turns out they do his homework with him, sit with him through his music practise, write out aids for studying etc. He got A’s in his assessments although his parents say he struggles.

Do I need to be upping my involvement?

I agree. I tend to say that I'm interested in what they are doing and I try to be really positive and not nit pick about things. However they do know I will look and so I will know if test results were poor or work just hasn't been done.....and this kind of thing is really rare.

I only help if it's asked for I do print out bits if needed as I'm the only one with a pc attached to our printer and sometimes dh helps with maths but we don't actually do the work. What's the point in that. We can't go into the gcse for them.

I have quite a bit of input for various reasons.

One of them is that because dd did well in her SATS, her targets were set really high. And they give them three levels of hw according to that. So sometimes she's expected to do three times the amount of hw as some of her friends. She's really struggling to do it.

Also, because her targets are set high, she is getting "could do better" type comments for subjects she's never done before. It seems really ridiculous that because she's reasonably good at maths, she's expected to be great at drama for example.

Yes I check his homework is done because we have to sign their planner at the end of every week and some teachers ask for an individual signature for work. So I only sign if I have seen the work. He knows now to have the work ready to show me before asking me to sign.

I just ask if she has any then tell her to get on with it - if I didn’t, I think she’d forget to do some or all of it. I haven’t helped her (yet) because she hasn’t asked me. I would help if she asked, however I do think it’s better to leave her to it then if she gets things wrong her teachers can see her areas of weakness. She’s yr 7, at a supposed academic ‘hot house’ school but gets 20 mins at the most per night so it’s not an overwhelming amount and nowhere near the amount that some of her friends at other schools are getting.

Depends on the child and their needs.

^^ That. Precisely.
12yo DD needed to recount her daily social life. She also sometimes liked someone to quiz her on vocab. Very little other support required.

12yo DS1: refused to do any homework, that was that, we had other worries.

12yo DS2: wanted to do h/w but boy needed lots of help organising self & other handholding.

DD1 (dyspraxic) needed help throughout secondary and 1-1 revision for most of her GCSEs.

DD2 (not dyspraxic but low ability) I am varying between monitoring for some homeworks, to encouragement, to help depending on the subject. If she can get 1-1 support from me now it will stand her in good stead for the GCSE years.

Neither of my children will do A levels (unless DD2 surprises me). I will do my best to ensure they both get 5 GCSE incl English and Maths. Because that is the magic boundary for many further courses and jobs. Succeeded with DD1, DD2 is a work in progress.

None whatsoever for year 7 and 8. Year 7 is at boarding school but have not looked at his homework since about year 4. He is very bright and self motivated though. Dd1 does most of her homework in the library at school or in her bedroom.

Ds2 on the other hand is in year 5 and still needs lots of help, so I suspect he will need support in y7 unless he changes a lot. Dd2 is 8 and is like her older siblings, she needs very little help, although I still look at what she does to ensure it's neat.

My DS1 has also started just started yr7.
I hardly helped at all with hw in primary school - he was at a prep so used to get a decent amount of hw.
However now, depending on the subject, I do help. He’s not really ones to stretch himself and just write the first thing that comes to his head and just think ‘job done!’.
So he had some Geography hw on globalisation which he def needed helps with. Other than that I just check he’s not done annoying stuff like not write his name on it and make sure it’s tidyish. And that’s he’s actually followed the instructions properly.
I should add that my DS is diagnosed with ADD so I need to be involved to some extent.

I never help my son but i disagree that helping definitely equals better results. Unless i will be able to help my son with honours maths, chemistry, physics when he's doing his leaving then there's no long term benefit to me helping him while i still can.

I think the approach people are suggesting of giving help and backing off gradually is the best. They do need to learn independence. The problem is that failing can be so disheartening for some young people...also I have my own experience of doing very well at school and being highly motivated but this was partly because my parents (both teachers) supported me massively at secondary school with my work: helping me learn for exams, structure essays and discuss topics to help extend my ideas.

I now teach in a sixth form college and know that students need to learn independence but my Y8 12 year old doesn’t have this at all. I recognise myself micro-managing his homework and although I know I am going to have to back-off a bit I also hope I am teaching him and giving him the support a tutor might. However, I do worry he will either a) reject my help soon in a sulky-teenager kind of way or b) crash and burn later on when I can’t help him as much...The difference between my parents helping me and me helping DS is that my parents’ help was in addition to lots of work I did by myself but DS only really works with me...how to encourage that independence is an issue for me but doesn’t sound like you have the problem OP. So maybe give a bit of help in the subjects he’s struggled with to check he's on the right lines and then withdraw again unless he needs more help?

I agree aracena help and gradually back off is right. We probably all helped our children to learn to read, and to learn their times tables. None of us want to help with degree level work. So the debate is how quickly to back off. Some children learn to be independent in juniors, others need the scaffolding and support all the way to GCSEs.

Also, because her targets are set high, she is getting "could do better" type comments for subjects she's never done before. It seems really ridiculous that because she's reasonably good at maths, she's expected to be great at drama for example.

We are the same! Great SATs but now he's expected exceeding expectations in RE, art, dance etc. Bless him, but they are not his strong areas....

Also, my DT's maths homework is beyond me now, so have to check with my nephews (who fortunately have ALevel Maths).

I helped when they asked for it. Eg when they started French l helped until they got going ..with my rusty school French. But l dont agree that if you cant help them later dont start. Most learning is built on steps and if you help them put in a step now eg in maths it means they have solid foundation. I just said come to me if you need help. My ds got me to hear out history and geography facts which really helped for tests. It was a big bonding thing between us and didnt make him less responsible. Actually teaches him its ok to ask for help. He is now at university and l hear him saying l popped over to friend and we worked together on stuff so its a good thing.
But if you are not comfortable doing it l wouldnt worry about that either.