How Boarding Schools Deal With Death

[looking4clues]

I have a niece at a UK boarding school where over the past two years two girls have died in their home countries. One unexpected and one from a long term illness. I was disappointed that the school did not think to send someone to attend the funerals as a representative of the school community they are always banging on about. I am interested to learn if this is typical of British boarding schools.

Come on alexander a child dies and your telling me due to “staff ratios” the school can’t spare a single representative, could even be the heads partner, to go to a funeral for 3-4 days max. What happens in school staff need compassionate leave? It’s the same thing.

I agree with happygardening. Headmasters of boarding schools seem able to go to China etc in term-time to drum up business so I would have thought a member of staff could have been spared for a couple of days to attend a funeral.

And a memorial service at school should be a given.

If a schools fees can’t spare £1500 to send a representitive to attend a childs funeral then they really are in a bad way.
A child who parents were most likely stumping up 36k+ a year in fees. Is there no humanity here?

Is there no humanity here?

On Mumsnet? No, have a look around, everything must be viewed through the lens of economic rationality.

@looking4clues not responding to the whole post but really interested to read this

I am British and my parents are Irish Catholic. I learnt many valuable things from them including the basic rule that if someone you know is in hospital or house bound, you visit; if someone you know dies, you attend the funeral. You don't ask, you just go.

I think this is a a really amazing attitude to have and definitely something most of us Brits could learn from. Death was never spoken about in my family, I didn't attend the funeral of my grandparents when I was 4 & 11 and when I was 15 still only allowed to attend the service not the burial. I didn't see my grandmother for the final 3 months of her life (when I was 15) as she was deemed too poorly. Talking to friends I don't think this attitude was that unusual and it does make handling death that much harder.

The head's partner??? I assume he would have his own job/career? I've never met dh's/dd's head's partner so I wouldn't know (I think dh has).

I wouldn't expect that at all, seems bizarre and wouldn't really benefit anyone. Surely they would send flowers and a card from friends and teachers or maybe a book of remembrance.
I would expect a memorial assembly and a plaque/tree/bench or something as has happened in cases I've known of pupils dying.

I would absolutely expect if a funeral was in the UK for a school to make every effort for a member of staff to take 1 day to attend & also to slow any friends of the pupil to attend.

But for 2-3 days it's simply not practical/feasible/affordable in terms of implications for both the school & the member of staff's own family.

The MOST important thing is to give support to those still living for whom the school is responsible (current pupils) who may need help to come to terms with things.

“Wouldn’t really benefit anyone” apart from the grief stricken parents.
In all the boarding schools I’ve been associated with and I had a friend who was a heads wife the heads wife job was being the heads wife.

"In all the boarding schools I’ve been associated with and I had a friend who was a heads wife the heads wife job was being the heads wife."

Bloody 'ell. Am I hearing a voice from the other side of a 1950's time warp? "I had a friend who was a heads husband. The heads husband's job was being the heads husband" heard by no-one ever.

UK sounding - I agree - wow sexist or what.

The head of Dd & dh's school is a woman. I can just imagine what she'd say to that!

DS’s went to a boarding prep, husband was the head but it was a husband wife team, all pictures were of them together. Head referred to wife in heads spiel on website e.g. Annie and I do X, at DS2’s school heads wife knew all the boys first names, gave them tea and cake in their first few weeks and was universally very popular with the boys apparently frequently seem walking round the school and she always talked to them. I’ve seem similar things at other boarding schools, a husband wife team.

"I would expect the school to hold a memorial service at the school and to provide pastoral support to pupils."

So would I. This is what DD's school did when a boy was murdered by his father. The SLT when to the funeral and there was a service at school and loads of pastoral support. They also had a non uniform day and asked everyone to wear yellow (the dead boy's favourite colour).

"I would not expect either clammates or staff to travel out from U.K."

Neither would I. I think that is expecting too much.

A boy in upper 6th died on holiday from my DS house. The whole house were extended an invitation from the family to attend (not sure if it went to whole year) but it was a funeral in the UK so (I assume) a lot easier for staff and pupils to attend. A memorial Service was also held at school and a charity formed too.

I must admit I haven't really thought about this situation coming up but I honestly believe my DS housemaster would have been in touch by telephone to offer support (which I'm sure I would have appreciated) and would go to the funeral purely because he has had a pivotal role in the child's development and a relationship has been formed over many years amongst the Housemaster, ourselves and our DS. Thankfully, it never arose. We aren't abroad but still a 7 hour car journey away but I still believe the Housemaster would have made the effort to come.

I would like to think the relationship was the same between the Housemaster and the parents of boys from abroad. With regards the cost, the school should pick up the expense. The loss of a child from a school community must be a rare occurrence and in my opinion warrants the utmost consideration and indulgence to the family to accommodate their grief at that very sad time.

I have worked with the bereaved for 18 years and having someone talk to you about the child you have lost and hearing about a side of their life you had little access to can be a tremendous comfort.

I don't think I know any high Catholics and I'm glad if they think turning up to visit the sick without being invited is the right way to behave.

No way would I want unexpected visitors if I was sick, to me that's rude rather than good manners so I think YABU

DS’s went to a boarding prep, husband was the head but it was a husband wife team, all pictures were of them together. Head referred to wife in heads spiel on website e.g. Annie and I do X, at DS2’s school heads wife knew all the boys first names, gave them tea and cake in their first few weeks and was universally very popular with the boys apparently frequently seem walking round the school and she always talked to them. I’ve seem similar things at other boarding schools, a husband wife team.

Great so the wife (a husband wouldn’t do it) gets to organise her entire life around her husband’s career. How depressing.

Anyhow back to the OP, the Irish attitude to death is very different to the English approach. A memorial service at school would be right I think.

“I am British and my parents are Irish Catholic. I learnt many valuable things from them including the basic rule that if someone you know is in hospital or house bound, you visit; if someone you know dies, you attend the funeral. You don't ask, you just go. ”

As a British person, non catholic I find this really really bizarre. If someone is ill you offer to visit, you definitely don’t just turn up. Similarly you should be invited to a funeral - some are open to all comers but many are private affairs and someone not part of the family just turning up would be plain rude.

Returning to your OP i think it would be very odd to send a member of staff abroad for such an event but do think a local funeral would usually be attended

Similarly you should be invited to a funeral

As British person I have never known people being invited to funerals.

The message gets out when and where it is and sometimes people ask who is attending for numbers for the same.

LittleBear has it crossed your mind that maybe just maybe the heads wives actually enjoy and want this role, they know perfectly well it’s a joint husband wife team job. Many boarding school websites include a picture of the husband and wife together so I don’t think it’s uncommon for it to be a team job.
Obviously I can only talk with any authority about my relationship with my DH, any decisions about moving jobs etc are taken after joint discussion and consideration, I’m pretty sure other couples do the same thing.

Why are you still assuming that all heads are male?

Dd & dh's head doesn't even live on site.

I guess I'm 1. used to heads always living on site frankly it never crossed my mind that they wouldn't and 2. as I have boys and have worked in mixed schools all heads have been male but I'm happy to say head's husband or shall we be very PC say partner if that makes you feel better.
In fact in one school I was involved in the deputy heads husband (not formally employed by the school) often attended things like that, representing the school.
Ultimately it doesn't matter who represents the school does it? Matron, HM, head, heads partner, who cares as long as there is some sort of solid link between the pupil and the school and that the grieving parent feel someone cares that their child has died because that's what its all about.

Anyway we clearly aren’t going to agree and frankly it’s totally irrelevant whether or not the heads “partner” follows their own career is part of a husband/wife team heading up a school.
My friends DC died and having observed first hand the terrible trauma and sadness it’s caused, anything that can be done to help and provide even a small grain of support to the grieving parents, even if it cost £1500, is to my mind entirely appropriate and a gesture of decency and humanity in what is a truly awful situation.

But happy that does not always mean school attending.
I have taught three kids who died, first parents wanted as many as possible there, school moved hell and highwater for as many staff who wanted to go to the funeral to go, and of course the kids went if they wished. I hope it gave some comfort to the parents, it was the most distressing funeral i have ever been to with a lot of very, very upset teenagers.
Child 2 parents did not want any school representatives to attedn.
Child 3 parents accpeted head and a couple of the dcs close friends going but did not want a full on school representation.

It can be very hard indeed for schools to sort out staffing, I would not get permission to attend distant relatives funerals, or not even necessarily friends, though my school are very good in that respect.
I don't think anyone can assume that the school neither cared, or could not be bothered.