Son suspended

[sinceyouask]

Ds1 started secondary school this year. Less than half a term in and he has earned a fixed term exclusion. He deserves it, it's a serious offence (I am not going to say what it is as anyone who knows me and may read this will definitely be able to identify me). He has been under CAMHS for a year with a diagnosis of ADHD for which he is medicated and occasionally sees a psych, who mostly advises me to be kind and him to try to behave. I work in mental health and given the seriousness of this latest issue and the fact that he seems not to recognise how serious is is, I have managed to wangle him a pro bono appointment with one of our psychiatric consultants on Monday afternoon. The consultant is a very experienced psych who is attached to our camhs PICU and I believe will be able to formulate a more accurate diagnosis than we have had so far. DS1 reminds me very much of some of the children who end up on our PICU and our psych agreed his behaviours and way of thinking about them sounded similar to certain patients when I explained what was happening. ADHD does not explain what he has done.

Anyway, his mental health is not what I wanted to talk about here. It's the sheer bloody shame. I don't feel like I can bear to face the school again, although obviously I have to, not least at the reintegration meeting. I feel like they will judge us forever as a terrible family. DS2 is supposed to be going to that school in a few years but I have started to think maybe he shouldn't because no matter how professional the staff at ds1's school are, they will always see ds2 as his brother. Ds2 is almost his polar opposite- the most trouble he has ever been in in his life was having his name moved down two spaces for talking too much!

I'm annoyed that when ds1 first presented obvious issues years ago, his primary school brushed them off and it wasn't until I cried to my GP and begged that he was referred to camhs; primary school eventually promised to refer him to the ed psych but never did. And his secondary school didn't take my concerns seriously until this incident. I tried from before he started to alert them to the fact that ds's problems are far more significant than they seemed to think (based on the info handed over by primary school). They really seemed to see me as an over anoxious helicopter mother. Now of course, they know why I was worrying.

I know this post is a bit ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. I feel like an awful mother. I don't know what to do. I don't have much hope for ds1's future.

What should I be asking the school at and in preparation for the reintegration meeting? How can I get ds1 to understand how serious the situation is? How can I deal with this shame and guilt?

I think there's a few factors. He has more going on than adhd, but services are taking the "he's been diagnosed so nothing more to do on that front" approach. Transition to secondary was always going to be hard. Starting adolescence means adding the normal emotional up and downs and hormonal changes to the mix. Secondary school has been a massive disappointment to him which is having a huge impact. He isn't able to communicate what is really wrong but he needs to communicate that something is, hence the increased behaviours. We aren't getting it right as parents- dh has become so fed up of it all that he's just getting angry and I am becoming so defeated by it all that I am just losing the ability to cope, which means no one is really in control and that's scary for any kid, let alone one with his needs. Ds1 knows his behaviour is hurting us all, he feels shit about that even if he can't admit it, but the more it happens the harder it is for him to change his ways. He's not coping with school work at all and his response to that is to give up- he refuses to try because then he hasn't failed, he just hasn't done it.

I can assess us just fine, what I cannot do is fix any of it!

Whilst not the same in any way, my dd had a horrific time in Yr 8 in the wrong school with the wrong head and wrong friends, her behaviour was shocking and had a similar impact on our family. She has recently changed schools received the right diagnosis and is doing considerably better. Im not naive enough to believe this will be the end of our challenges but she finally seems much happier and has reverted back to the child she was. I really feel for you but keep going and pushing for the right diagnosis and support, it will work.

I managed to get hold of CAMHS to ask for another appointment, so that's something. They will phone me, apparently. My approach last night was basically falling back on the old 'focus on the good and deny attention to the bad' approach with a bit of a lovebomb thing going on, and we did get through the night with only one, relatively mini, incident. He was spoiling for a fight this morning by insisting on wearing with his Christmas jumper old joggers and trainers which both have holes in and don't fit any more but I took the easy way and said, fine, you will be uncomfortable and I don't think this is a good idea but it's not worth a battle, go ahead. I have to try and be more positive, I think.

We had a bit very much like your son who got stuck in a cycle of negativity (and we were honestly trying all sorts to turn it around), he was convinced everyone had it in for him and almost tried to prove what he thought people thought about him was true. He went on a trial to a different school and he was like a different child. Often doesn't work but maybe your ds needs a fresh start with new staff and maybe new peer influences?

I agree with Sauvignon about the fresh start. Noble made the good point that these fixed term exclusions are very small fry for schools, even if you think he has blown it.

He is 11. He isn't going to feel remorse, he is going to lie to cover himself (which shows he doesn't like being in the wrong, so it is a sign that he is remorseful and guilty although you might think otherwise)

School should be now giving him a lot of pastoral support to get him back thinking positively. In my son's secondary, which is certainly not perfect, they do lots of residential trips for the more "badly behaved" children, and praising them if they get C's instead of E's.

I've been through all this with my two sons, one with undiagnosed dyspraxia for two years at secondary, who suffered quite a few suspensions, and the second who has ASD, brilliantly behaved but couldn't cope at all (I took him out of school at end of Year 7 and home edded for two years, he is back in a different school with EHCP now, doing very very well, 100percent attendance etc) I know how you feel personally humiliated and how quickly this filters back to the kids.

Stop telling him off. Focus on positives even if there are very very few. Absolutely write the slate clean on the last incident and don't refer to it. Tell school you want a positive behavioural intervention support policy, can they suggest what they might do to help (be nice at this point not defensive) emphasise how unhappy your son is, rather how naughty he is.

The school work is now not nearly as important as his self esteem in school and at home generally - how can you build that up so he doesn't resort to attention seeking strategies to bolster his fragile self image.

NB. Home education is wonderful. I recommend it. Blame and guilt are no longer issues. Ds2 made new friends, and blossomed academically when the pressure was removed. He is back at school since Year 10.

Sorry, not very clear about the remorse in para 2..I mean he won't say sorry, but the mere fact that he lies is a sign he feels guilty. Teens of that age lie a lot. It is part of developing an independent mind set ifysim, when you start obsessing about "lies" you are fighting the wrong battle. Of course he lies, he doesn't want to be punished. Adults lie/decieve others about all sorts of things to get themselves out of trouble, why wouldn't an 11 year old with ADHD?

CAMHS have been useless for us btw...Read lots, focus on structures rather than boundaries, pick your battles ruthlessly (ie: don't fight homework battles, reduce down the demands on that score - he'll be terrified of failing so a little bit of work is much better than no work with tantrum) Get the SENCO involved. Keep emailing the SENCO for advice and liaison every time there is a problem, not to excuse him but more to find how to stop the same problem happening again.

Only one piece of advice:
Read “Mercury’s Child” - it will all become clear!

That's Warwick Dyer's book isn't it? I'm not a huge fan of his tbh. If you think it's really worth it I'll give it a go.