Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Is this typical y8 behaviour?

52 replies

ImminentDisaster · 07/10/2017 00:19

Dd finally told me tonight what's been going on at school. There's a group of y8 boys targetting the girls, persistently negatively commenting on their perceived flaws. (negging?)

DD has copped for the "you're so fat" angle. She has been trying so hard to be more confident and is a bit destroyed. We have talked about it tonight. She also says they say she is in love with someone and that she's having sex with him. She's 12. They are 12. I think it's a bit beyond teasing. They made her cry in a lesson.

I'm wondering how best to support her, obviously let the school know and keep talking to her, but what else? She's really bright, lovely, funny, was relatively innocent until Y7. They make fun of her for liking school too, ffs. I'm a bit despairing.

Anyway, we are moving soon to an entirely different area and I kind of want to believe it will be better at a new school, but if this is fairly typical then I should probably not tell her it will be. It's so depressing. Is this how it is now? Am I just so ridiculously naive?

Anyone have any useful advice or experience please? Thanks!

OP posts:
Jasminedes · 07/10/2017 13:41

I am curious as to why you added 'we are trying hard to eat well and exercise and she is doing really well'. I mean, seperate to all this, fine. But surely not emphasising this in response to bullying? She has a grounded response to it, you need to make sure you don't inadvertently undermine that. Forgive me if I misunderstood your comment though.

CookieDoughKid · 07/10/2017 20:14

I would be coming down hard on the school to clamp down on this personally. IMO some kids are really horrible and stay horrible throughout their entire schooling.

tinytemper66 · 07/10/2017 20:27

Please contact the school! Whilst we can’t stop the abuse outside school via social media, we can give advice and reprimand the pupils.

Original poster
ImminentDisaster · 07/10/2017 21:43

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been back today, I'm not well (came on this morning, nothing too serious) and have spent a great deal of today in the walk in clinic. Will be back to respond and thank you all properly tomorrow.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 07/10/2017 22:22

I have sons. This is not banter, its revolting and distressing and needs to stop. Angry Any boy who thinks "negging" is an appropriate way to treat another human being needs a rocket up him.

Traalaa · 08/10/2017 13:02

There's something wrong with the culture of a school, if that's deemed acceptable/ normal. My son's got male and female friends at his comp (he's yr9). There is no way on earth that they'd allow anyone to call one of their friends names like your dd has experienced.

BubblesBuddy · 08/10/2017 16:48

I don't see this as the culture of the school, it's the culture of the boys going to the school. That's different. Also it's not acceptable even if it is "banter". So, talk to the Head of Year about it. It is bullying and not acceptable.

I also think it demonstrates to all the posters on MN (on other threads) who think single sex schools are not healthy and that girls must be educated with boys, should be aware that girls can experience this sort of behaviour from boys in a co-ed school. This is the sort of "banter" my girls escaped from. Who needs to replicate adulthood like this at 12 years old?

Original poster
ImminentDisaster · 08/10/2017 22:49

Thanks so much everyone. The email has been sent and I will chase it up for a response after a suitable time.

Some great advice here and I really appreciate it.

I take your point Bekabeech about an earlier move perhaps being wise. It's all so very new (DH only accepted the job on Friday) that our plans are very much at an emergent stage. I don't even know if we'll be able to get into a school as we are going towards the London area and I believe things are more pressured there than here.

Yes, I'm quite into introducing them to Everyday Sexism, Feminism etc., more and more seeing the way this crappy world is going!

RE the weight issue Jasmine despite, I totally get what you mean and I'll be wary of that. It's ongoing and our efforts are not in response to the bullying. It's something she's quite unhappy about and I'm trying really hard to help but as always, unsure if I'm doing the right thing. I emphasise strong body, happy mind, fitness, sensible eating over faddy diets and starvation but perhaps wasn't as honest as I should have been with her when the weight crept on in the past as I was worried about sending her into an eating disorder. I find this all so hard! She herself says she feels really sad that she's been trying so hard and then they make fun of her. Angry

BubblesBuddy, I went to a single sex school and had none of this, even though I had a very visible difference. I always thought I didn't want my children to go to single sex school as I ended up being quite shy, but I have rapidly re-thought this over the weekend. Not sure there are any single sex schools where we will move to though. Sad Will investigate!

Thanks again everyone, you've all given me a lot to think about. Really appreciate it!

OP posts:
Zhx3 · 08/10/2017 23:03

Did you see last Thursday's Educating Greater Manchester on Channel 4, OP? Similar issues, Year 7 girls bullying a classmate, taking photos of her eating and posting to social media with "Fat Geezer" comment. I thought the head seemed to deal with it particularly well..

I have seen this sort of thing happen in the early years of secondary school. Some sort of group chat was used each time. It's horrible.

Have a watch of this TEDTalk, on how thinking you're ugly affects your attainment - I watched it a couple of years ago and am thinking of showing it again in school.

Original poster
ImminentDisaster · 08/10/2017 23:30

No, I didn't. I will check it out. I used to teach Primary in the NW, so I really enjoyed the first one. Not sure how I've missed the rest!

I will also check out the TED Talk, thank you. It sounds really interesting.

OP posts:
Zhx3 · 08/10/2017 23:47

Sorry, it wasn't the head who dealt with it on Educating Greater Manchester (he was dealing with the girl who sent a photo of her in her underwear to some boy Sad), it was the Head of Year. She was fab.

Traalaa · 09/10/2017 08:30

Imminent good luck. I really hope it works out for you and your DD.

Bubbles, I know it's a bit nebulous, but for me the culture of the school makes a mahoosive difference. There will always be boys who think that way and always be kids who tease, but if the school doesn't let the kids know that it's unacceptable and let kids know that if it happens they will be in trouble, then it is also about the culture of the school.

montenana · 09/10/2017 08:47

I have yr7 and yr9 DDs at a coed school.
No it is not normal behaviour.
Teach her the "ignoring" "bored" looks to give. No reaction to fuel the "teasing" - too light a word for it imo. It's not banter, it's not funny, it's terrible behaviour and needs sorting by the school.

disahsterdahling · 09/10/2017 09:00

I went to a single sex school and some of the girls were nasty bullies. I don't think it matters what sort of school you go to.

But I would not put up with this sort of sexist behaviour from the boys and would definitely report it to school. if I thought my (now year 10) son was making comments like this there would be very serious consequences.

Wheresthebeach · 09/10/2017 09:55

I think this counts as nasty bullying and you need to log it, and get in touch with the school. Girls shouldn't have to learn to ignore this stuff, and boys shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. Don't minimise the impact.

Original poster
ImminentDisaster · 09/10/2017 11:16

I've had no acknowledgement of my email yet, so I'm not sure if it's even been seen. Sigh. Just a bog standard receipt reply would be good.

Anyway, I won't let it drop. Just hope she's having a better day today!

OP posts:
swimminggala · 09/10/2017 11:30

OP, it does seem to be typical Y8 behaviour, but the school needs to stamp on it, and good schools will do that quickly.

My DS has had a close friendship with a girl since Y7 and at the start of Y8 other boys started making jealousy-fuelled comments, which culminated in the girl coming into school in tears one day because one of the other boys was telling everyone she had given my DS a blow job. The form teacher noticed she was upset and because the school is very nurturing the girl felt able to tell her exactly what was going on. I got a phonecall from the deputy head to tell me what had happened and what they were doing about it. The school has a "character" approach to discipline, so she spoke to the boy about what he had said, and why it was wrong, then got him in a room with my son and the girl so she could tell him exactly how what he had said had made her feel, and he could apologise to them both directly (which my son probably found a bit embarrassing, but I'm glad they did it, because it was educational for him). The boy then had to go home to his parents that evening and tell them exactly what he had said and why he would have to spend part of the next day in isolation. The Deputy Head then spoke to his parents to check that he had told them.

He never did it again, and my son and the girl are still really good friends, with no more harassment from the (very ashamed) boy and his friends. Job done.

BubblesBuddy · 09/10/2017 13:35

I really don't think anyone can find a school that openly says it's culture is to be tolerant of this sort of behaviour. We know all schools try and have a culture that intends to stamp this out and ensures the children know how to behave. Some schools are more successful than others and some teachers are better than others at dealing with it. No school deliberately sets out to allow children to be bullied but the SLT may be weak and not see through their own policies. Some schools have way more children who behave like this than others. Whatever type of school a child goes to, the behaviour is not acceptable.

sydenhamhiller · 09/10/2017 13:42

OP, I am so sorry to hear about this. I didn't have any of this experience of this as a teen at a co-ed school, so I hate to think that this is the new norm. And while it is good to learn to shrug it off, and have some sharp comebacks ready, I don't think your DD (or any other girl) should have to put up with this. If my DS (Y9) was behaving like this I would be appalled, and I wouldn't like to think this is the culture he would have to try and adapt to, as much as I would hate my DDs to be the recipient. I would pretty much write up what you put in your post, and send it to the head of Pastoral care (usually tracked down on website), perhaps cc-ed to Head teacher, just in your earlier tone of 'in concern not anger', and ask what strategies the school would be putting in place to teach all the kids that this kind of 'banter' in not acceptable.

And don't mean to de-rail: Alonglongway I loved your response above. I have DD1(11) in an all girls school, so she won't have some of OP's DD experiences, but she has already been talking of the obsession with appearance/ weight etc. Your comment about lots of positive voices on social media really resonated with me - do you have any examples, by any chance? (Sorry to put you on the spot!)

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 09/10/2017 13:50

As far as bullying and these kind of rumours they are sadly very very common ... I remember it myself.
That doesn’t mean it’s okay or acceptable and I would be getting the boys names are reporting ASAP.

Maybe try just spending time with her doing activities at weekends, show her all the love you can and maybe try positive mantras. Or affirmations. Get her to try saying them to herself. Might not work, 12 is a low confidence age, but worth a shot.

Best of luck Flowers

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 09/10/2017 13:54

Also remind her they’re only saying it because they think pulling her down will make them seem cool. This means they see something in her ( confidence, maturity, intelligence, attractiveness) that makes them feel low. They’re insecure little boys lashing out because they’re not sure how to handle the world. Also tell her that boys are behind girls in emotional intelligence at that age.
Basically make her see how little their opinions on her are and how little truth there is.
She’s not having sex and she knows it and you know it . Anyone who believes them is stupid or jealous.

BubblesBuddy · 09/10/2017 14:13

I can assure all posters that image and weight in girls is not just talked about in girls' schools! Girls have exactly the same discussions in co-ed schools. Why wouldn't they? Girls are girls, wherever they go to school and their concerns are no different. I am afraid parents who think the school makes a difference are sadly wrong! What makes the big difference is to have supportive friends and parents who resoect you for the person you are, not just your image.

user1495443009 · 09/10/2017 15:08

In your case I would be sending not only an email but a letter to the Head of year and copy the Headteacher and her tutor. I would also ask for an appointment with her tutor, head of year or whoever is necessary. I would be on top of them until they sort it. Write to the Governors if necessary. I would not tolerate this behaviour. It makes me so angry they abuse nice/innocent kids.

I never experienced and bullying or bitching in a all girls secondary school and find this behaviours appalling. I understand this is coed but those boys need to learn some respect and values.

MsMommie · 09/10/2017 15:12

My daughter just started year 7 and if that is 'typical' year 8 behaviour there is going to be a hell of a mess next year because NOBODY is going to abuse my child like that.
My son just started year 9 and I am not aware of anything like this happening last year, and he tells me most things.
I would absolutely lose my shit OP. Completely.

Traalaa · 12/10/2017 08:10

Bubbles, I really do disagree on schools making a difference. Lots of us have said similar and I don't think we're 'sadly wrong'. The school's attitude to bullying is so, so key to making kids feel confident enough not to put up it. Yes friends and parents aren't important too, but the school can and should be making a huge difference to this sort of thing.