How much is expected of year 7s when they start secondary school? DS is so stressed.

[iwouldgoouttonight]

DS has been at secondary for about a month and I'm starting to worry about him. He is struggling to cope with the various different demands on him and getting used to the new environment and ways of working. He's been tearful most evenings the last couple of weeks with worrying about it all.

He loved it for the first week or so but he's been put into 'top set' and I'm not sure whether that is putting more pressure on him. He has 15 different teachers, each of which set homework which is due in at different times. He has a planner and we've been encouraging him to try to do homework as soon as he gets it so he doesn't get behind. But he still feels overwhelmed with it and worries that he's going to be told off or get detention for not doing it well enough. He says the teachers are really strict (I'm guessing they may just seem that way compared to primary). He's always been a bit scatterbrained but I think the stress is making him worse so he keeps forgetting things. He's lost one of his books and now he's lost his PE kit. I've talked him through it and said I can't re-buy a whole PE kit so he needs to go to lost property and if it's not there to retrace his steps to see where it might be. He just burst into tears and said he'll never find it and he'll probably get a detention.

Last week he got a migraine, which he's had a couple of times before when he's been worrying about things, and that made him vomit at school so he had to come home. The medical woman asked if he was ok emotionally as he seemed very upset about it. He also has a medical issue which means he sometimes wets himself. The school are aware of this and he has a toilet pass and various other things in place, but he's not using his toilet pass as he doesn't want to draw attention to himself in class or get told off (which I've told him he won't but he says I don't know what his teachers are like).

He only turned 11 a week before he started secondary so he feels young compared to the other children. But I'm not sure whether I'm making excuses for him and he should be able to deal with it all and he needs to just organise himself. Or should I speak to his teacher to say he's struggling a bit and might need some support? Is this normal for the start of secondary?

No. It ISN'T like joining the army. Some schools TREAT the year 7s as if they have joined the army. There are ridiculous sanctions (upheld) for every little mishap or mistake. This can be very stressful for 11 year old kids.
I'm sure not all schools do this. I think academies are worse that LA schools.

My DS1 has just started secondary too. He hasn't had a detention yet but a boy in his class has already had two for forgetting homework. It does seem a lot stricter than the secondary school I went to.

As others have said, I think the sanctions are in place to deal with naughty / lazy children who aren't doing their homework deliberately, but make it difficult for children who are trying hard but struggling to cope with the transition.

Try and help him get into a routine. PE kit always goes in locker except when you're using it. School bag packed the night before. Would it help if you gave him a list of things to remember?

The school is in a fairly deprived area and has had lots of issues with behaviour in the past so I understand they have to be strict. I seems to be working in general as the school now has a good reputation. But as others have said, there doesn't seem to be the leeway for those who are really trying but struggling with the organisational side of it. DS has been invited to another after school club (as he's been identified as 'more able') and he doesn't want to do because he says it'll be extra work and even more to remember. So their pushing the 'brighter' kids isn't really working as he's now retreating from activities out of fear of making mistakes.

I don't think it's just this school. A friend's who teaches in another secondary school said they often give out detentions for forgetting books, not doing well enough in a test, etc. Clearly some kids can deal with it much better than others.

No, not all schools do this. The one my daughters go to has a very clear behaviour policy, which as far as I can see is applied consistently and standards of behaviour are good. But they are flexible and appear to have a sensible approach to the way that they handle conscientious children who make the occasional mistake (i.e. with compassion and the occasional blind eye). It's very unlike the exam factory down the road, which has a very similar demographic and appears to hand out detentions for breathing funny. I have no idea what they do if anyone really does break the rules because the students are so used to having detention it's like water off a duck's back.

No, it definitely isn't all school IfNot

My ds's school was superb. He is 'organisationally challenged' and the school 'got' that. They were brilliant.

My dds go to a different school - they are both much more organised than ds so I don't know what the response is there so much, but I've never heard anyone saying they are anything like those you describe.

Your daughter's school sounds lovely Korma. I think the school round here are all pretty much the same. Good schools in terms of results and behaviour but very rigid.

Talk to the school - of course they will want to know if he is getting that upset and stressed. There must be a pastoral support officer responsible for year 7s' welfare that you can talk to.

Aah feel sorry for him. Year 7 is such a big jump from primary school. It sounds like they are cracking the whip at the start to set the tone.
I would speak to the form tutor/head of year asap. - they might be able to find him a mentor in one of the higher years. In all the schools I have worked in the head of house/year would definitely give a student like this some tlc e.g. asking them to check in with them at lunch to find out how they are getting on, making sure teachers are aware, getting someone to help them with organisation.
I am wondering if it is a huge school - and whether a smaller secondary school might suit him better. I don't know if this is logistically possible.

I feel for him too. My own DS1 has just started Y7 and has struggled a bit with some aspects - though strangely not the aspects I'd imagined he'd find most difficult. He has dyspraxia and finds the organisational idea of things difficult, but his school makes it so much easier using the 'Show My Homework' portal online. The main issue for DS has been that he has two homes (mine and his Father's) to lose his homework/rugby kit/calculator in plus he sometimes has to plan a few days ahead when packing school stuff to go to his Dad's. His school only allows Lost Property to be collected once a week, for an hour one lunchtime. No good for DS, I'd have to buy five v pricey rugby kits for him to go and collect once a week as they built up . So it has been agreed he can go there and collect things after school each day if he is calm, polite and doesn't mind waiting a few minutes sometimes.

DS1's school is obsessed with Rugby and, being clumsy and uncoordinated, DS hates it. But his teacher has been fab and he's now saying he doesn't like the sport itself, but does enjoy it that others actually consider him part of their team and will pass him the ball at this school (he was shunned by the sporty boys at primary, picked last for teams etc.)

I was really worried about the social side of things as he's spent 7 years of primary and only made one real friend. The girls would talk to him though and he enjoyed their company, so I imagined him being ostracised at his single sex secondary school (100% his choice, I tried to dissuade him!). Not so - he's made a few friends already and seems to be blossoming socially as there are more boys like him there, with his interests. He even took himself off to Warhammer club last week - completely on his own, knowing that most of the members seemed to be sixth formers, knowing no one there! No way on earth would he have done that even a few weeks ago.

His teachers have been very helpful once he has actually approached them and told them what he is finding hard. Teachers are very keen to get Y7 students settled in and happy as quickly and easily as they can. Speak to or email your DS's form tutor or Head of Year - they are usually very approachable and will help him with anything he finds hard, without shouting 'XXX, your Mum phoned me last night about your crying during homework!' across the classroom! I've had to do this already for DS and many, many parents contact the school to discuss problems regularly. They help students with this stuff every year and expect it. However terrifying they and the school rules appear to DS at the moment, they don't bite

I wonder if part of the problem is that not enough is expected of children in the later stages of primary school, so it's a massive jump. I work in a primary school and I've been frankly astonished at the amount of helicopter parenting that goes on. Some parents expect the school staff to take the blame/responsibility for every piece of lost property, they expect a phone call home for every book/homework/snack etc that's forgotten so that they can immediately rush down with it, and they want us to monitor every single aspect of what their child does, plays, eats, drinks etc and report back. Maybe in Reception, but in Year 6??

OP, I'm not for a moment saying you're like this, I'm just making the point that too many primary schools pander to this sort of thing, and then parents feel surprised when their kids find secondary a shock. Your poor DS. Is there a student support office he could visit himself

I've got one in year 9 and one in year 6. I think dd2's primary prepares them fairly well in year 6. They get homework every day now and are kept in at break if they don't do it (that started earlier in ks2). Reading record/homework diary signed by parents weekly. Most walk home or get the bus or train or at least walk to the car by year 6.

well if he was that worried about losing his kit he'd be hanging onto it better!

This is not necessarily the case. I used to lose things all the time at school - lab coats, hockey boots, bus passes - and could not have felt worse about it. I used to have sleepless nights, worrying about things I had lost. I would feel so bad about it and worried about being told off that I would try to hide the fact I had lost something, cover it up if I could, which often made things worse. So I think being harsh with children can be counterproductive - I don't like that my son loses things, but I don't want him to be too afraid to tell me when he has.

Blimey, we need to get a bit tougher. Our parents complain if more than an hour's homework once a week! I think only two of ours walk home or to the car alone.

My son is in year 8 now but when he started secondary school last year, he had only just turned 11 in the last few days of August. He found school so stressful first it was constant crying and worrying then it turned to violent outbursts and sobbing.
I rang the school and had a word with his head of year and she was so understanding and said they see a lot of this at the start of the year. She told me to let him know he can go to her to speak anytime and she would also have a word with him and keep an eye on him.
I had thought it was bullying that was making him so unhappy but after lots of talks it came down to the routine and changes in school.
It took until Christmas for him to settle in and now he is thriving in school.
So speak to the school I am sure they will help.

Lapin. It's not an excessive amount. Just a bit of maths/english each day. It's prep gor the sats i think. Not many parents would complain about it as they know sets are based on ks2 sats and they want their kid to be in a good set.
The school is near a train station and bus stops.

@LapinDeBois at DD’s Primary we filled in a questionnaire every year and one of the questions was:

“Do you think we do enough to prepare children for when they leave Primary”

Every damn year many of us replied with a big fat NO. But nothing ever changed. They babied them through year 6. Even controlling who could play with who in the playground. It was ridiculous and no wonder high school shocked the crap out of many of them.

I'm not saying we're blameless as a school Trb17, but honestly the vitriol we encounter from quite a lot of the parents when we try to suggest that the children maybe try to take responsibility for their own learning/belongings/whatever is incredible. Maybe we just need to tough it out more, though, in spite of what the parents say, on the basis that we know we're doing the best thing for the child.

I know it all sounds tough OP, but I just wish my child was in a British secondary, they sound so caring in comparison to what we are up against.

We're overseas (Europe, in a country with a good reputation for schooling) and my child attends the local school here and it's tough - in fact I would say it's pretty brutal. It's selective, entrance exams to pass, the level was a few years beyond what they were doing in primary school so everyone went to additional classes etc... only about 10% of the kids overall attend from this grade, more join later. Getting in was a journey in itself.

But, my child got in and he started in August. It's going well from a social and organisational point of view. He starts at 7:30 am and leaves home at 6:20, returns at 5 pm and he has made friends, travels independently on trains and buses etc.

The problem is that these schools tend to oversubscribe by quite a long way, and the ones who don't cut it are told to leave the school at the end of semester one. Each school has a different "culling rate" typically between 10 and 20%!

There're a lot of ongoing exams and even with a lot of work (90 minutes homework or more at the weekends) my son finds it hard to pass them all. There's four different languages. Now he's failed some exams there's quite a high chance that he won't make it to the second semester which would be just so heartbreaking.

He manages well but it's a different kind of pressure I guess and pretty stressful too. We have to see if it's the right place for him as well so we will have to see.