Supporting dc2 when dc1 is very high achieving.

[StepAwayFromCake]

Dc1 and dc2 are equally bright. In virtually all other ways they are utterly different. Dc1 self-confident, self-sufficient (excessively!), driven and resilient. Has excellent study habits. Dc2 shy, un-confident, totally lacking in self-belief, emotionally vulnerable. Generally has to be manoeuvred into doing homework. Both have autistic traits, and get overwhelmed in social situations. Dc1 deals with it by avoiding or ignoring the world around them, and by being highly selective regarding social situations. Dc2 flees, explodes, or copes for a while and then explodes.

Dc2 has always feared following in their sibling's footsteps: worried that the teachers will expect the same results. Dc2 has achieved the same or higher results as dc1 throughout most of KS2 and KS3! But dc2 just cannot see it or believ e it.

So today dc1 got GCSE results: all A, A*, 9s. Dc2 joined in the congratulations wholeheartedly, then quietly disappeared and locked themselves into their room.

I don't want dc2 to go through life comparing themselves to dc1 unfavourably. To believe that there's no point trying, because they can't do as well. It's just not true! But it becomes a self-perpetuating prediction.

Dc2 is really holding it in right now, being cheerful on dc1's day, but I'm waiting for the explosion.

Poor thing is feeling the pressure to do equally well. If only he realised that after getting your results, nobody ever gives them a second thought.

Speaking from the prospective of dc2.
I had a very good all rounder older sibling, and a younger one who had parents holding their breath in admiration.

I was much more peaks and troughs. Much better at maths, much weaker at languages.
I got to the point I didn't try because I felt it was easier not to try and then when I didn't do as well I could blame that rather than being not as clever.

Looking back as an adult I did actually get better GCSE results etc.
But I always felt anything I'd achieved was lucky, anything they'd achieved was being clever.

I can see now that dc1 was good all round, but I was much better at what I was good at. Dc3 , despite being talked about as a genius, wasn't as good at me on the best subjects, and wasn't as good all round as dc1.

I wish at some point, someone had sat me down and pointed out that I was as good, but in a different way. I can see now that I probably could have been better, but didn't try.

And it didn't do the other two any good either. It put a lot of pressure on dc1 because anything less than top grade was a failure. And dc3 knew they were exceptional so couldn't cope with actually having to work at anything because they felt that they shouldn't have to.

We all did well in different ways in the end, but I think categorising us didn't help any of us.

Same with my dd s. However dd2 just got her GCSE results and although the grades not as good as dd1s were she's achieved her personal goals. If she had been the first born her marks would be seen as absolutely brilliant!

Dc2 does the labelling.

The pressure is to do the best they can. It's still pressure, I suppose.

We had this, with dc1 not only being a straight A* merchant but also competing successfully at international level in sport.

Talk, talk, talk would be my top tip. Ask the other dc how they feel about it, spell out the options for them a bit, i.e. that it's possible to be pleased for someone AND feel jealous, or that feeling envious of someone doesn't make you a bad person. Ask whether they would feel differently if dc1 was good at something they had no interest in, try and get them to think about what it is about dc1 doing well that bothers them- is it because they think you'll love the other child more, because they're scared they can't do as well, because they feel a bit left out, etc etc. Obviously you can't ask all of those things at once! But keep the dynamics in your mind and try to take opportunities to build those questions or discussions into conversations you're having.

IME the more you can get them to think clearly and talk openly about how they feel, the more it takes the heat out of it. And don't forget dc1 - is he or she aware of how dc2 feels? It's ok to be confident and proud of their achievements, but learning sensitivity for the effect on others is also important.

FWIW, the single most useful thing I said to dc2 when we had another round of, "Grrr, dc1's cleverer than me" was "But you don't want to live her life, do you?" "NO!" said dc2, looking horrified. "Well then," sez I, "you need to concentrate on living your own life rather than looking over your shoulder at hers".

This happened in Dh's house. He was the bright, hard working, science obsessed student. A star at school, his sisters failed to live up to his storming performance and the teachers commented frequently about how "different" they were to him. Make sure this is not the message coming from the school.
I have twins and when dealing with schools I have frequently had to nip unhealthy, lazy comparisons in the bud.

Dc2 does the labelling.

Problem is that may be true, but they're obviously picking it up from somewhere if you say they're getting similar results.

You may not realise it, but you may be implying things you don't mean to.

I know for our family, I commented not so long ago to dm that dc3 had always been held up as above me academically and she denied even thinking about it, and definitely never saying anything that could have possibly given me the idea.
I queried with dc1 afterwards, thinking maybe I'd imagined it but no, their memories were exactly the same-that dc3 was amazingly clever.

Often they're small things. A silly one, was when I questioned why dc3 was given a watch at 5yo, when me and dc1 had been told we weren't old enough until we were 7yo.
Dm replied with "well he's so good at telling the time, I thought he deserved one."
The real reasons, looking back, were a mixture of watches had suddenly got cheaper, dc3 moaned far more effectively if they wanted something and dm had a thing about it not being fair if dc3 didn't have something the other two had (even if I'd had to wait to dc1's age).
I think this was something she probably said on the spur of the moment without much thought, but what I took from that was I had struggled to tell the time. In fact, speaking in later life to a relative, they commented once that I was very early to tell the time, so I'm sure dm didn't mean to give that impression, and I'm sure she didn't mean me to take that from it.

If you feel that you are second rate, things can easily be felt to back this up. And that includes things said. "Of course he always does well in exams," can be heard by the listener with the unspoken and untrue addition "unlike dc2".

That's not saying that you have to praise up dc2 every time you praise dc1. Or never praise dc1 at all.
But do watch that you don't find dc1 (or dc2) more ostentatious in what they do and so easier to praise.
And don't always tag the other one on to any praise.
"Dc2 did well, just like dc1 did"
"Dc1 had fantastic results, I'm sure dc2 will too when they do it."

But do watch that you don't find dc1 (or dc2) more ostentatious in what they do and so easier to praise.

That is so true. Dc1 is always telling us about their grades and those of their classmates, and whether they are pleased or disappointed, whereas dc2 says nothing. When asked how they did on their assignment or test, they'll say something like "Oh, it was OK", or "Oh, I don't really remember". Then we'll get a note from the teacher, or have a chat at Parents' Evening, and feel like idiots because we don't know what they're talking about when they praise dc2's work!

We've asked dc2 why they don't tell us these things, we've told them that we are interested, and all we get is that one-shoulder shrug, occasionally accompanied by a looking-downward blush.