Is it normal to have found Year 7 a challenge?!

[Worried8888]

I just wanted to get some advice and reassurance ! My DD has just finished year 7 at our local secondary and it's been a bit of a roller coaster friends wise. It all started brilliantly with her making 2 v good best friends and seeming to have a wider group but as the year has progressed she has really struggled to keep up with all the shifting and repositioning. The two friends are both quite tricky in their own ways and at times not at all nice. I've picked up vibes that my lovely calm, quite quiet and kind DD is being increasingly excluded for different groups. It is breaking my heart to watch and I'm trying really hard to be upbeat and positive and reassuring but inside feeling so worried and upset. Is all this normal with year 7 girls and what can I do to help?!!!! Any wise advice so welcome!

I think a lot of people find year 7 difficult. They are all starting to go through big hormonal changes plus it is a big change from primary school in terms of environment and educational experience.

What can you do to help?

Listen to her, don't dismiss her concerns but equally don't promote them.

Are there any out of school activities she could try? Sports, cadets, theatre, music groups can all help by giving her a group of friends outside school which takes the pressure off school friendships.

Thanks Gnome - yes she does do quite a bit outside school and has good old friends. She saying doesn't want to go back in Sept and now term is over it's all coming out.. Some online horrid comments as well. Breaking my heart...

Secondary is certainly a challenge . I think the first thing is not to panic and have some secure friendship groups out of school. Fluidity between groups is normal and I think being open to new friendships is important.
I'm sure your daughter will be fine , it sounds like she is having a confidence wobble . If she knows it's quite normal for friendships to shift and healthy to make friends throughout school it might help.
My own daughter had a few false starts with friendships and was on friendly terms with a number of children - sometimes it's better not to cling to people who don't suit you . There are usually lots of girls who are happy to pick up any extra additions to their circle.
In the meantime out of school friends can support her.
Good luck and try not to panic.

I'd report the on line comments to the school - best to deal with it while it's at the early stages. DD's school takes any on line, or texts that are nasty quite seriously. Sounds like there's more going on than you may be aware of.

Thanks Peanut. Yes I'm going to report it when term starts again. It was horrible stuff and has really dented her confidence and she is now dreading going back to school. I'm giving loads of reassurance and keep saying that things shift and change in year 8. But inside I'm very worried too.. Has anyone else been through all this?

Very usual Yr 7 behaviour. I have a DD the same age, and also work in a school. Girls used to go mad in yr 9, but it's much earlier now. My advice would be, encourage out of school friendships, take her phone from her when she comes in, so she gets a break from it, and keep school informed.

Are there any mixed year clubs? In dd school they have the school production that crosses all the years so that they get to know the older ones and not reliant on year 7.

Head of Year 7 here: very normal so please don't worry too much. However, it is unpleasant and can really knock the confidence of some children.

My best advice, having seen this a dozen times a year, is to really encourage your daughter to make lots of new acquaintances/ friends. Any extra curricular stuff available is great to join in with: sports, art clubs, science clubs, creative writing, drama etc. A variety of different students attend these activities, away from their usual 'friendship groups' and it can be a great way to broaden her horizon and make friends with like minded people so that she's not having to rely on these two friends, who don't sound very pleasant.

Also, definitely continue to monitor her social media and block and delete anyone making nasty comments. There is very little the school can do about this as it is the parents' responsibility to safeguard their children outside of school hours, when I would imagine these comments are being sent/ received. Remember that legally, she shouldn't really have access to social media at all until she's 13 so it really is up to you to safeguard her mental health in this regard. If things become extreme, you should report to the police.

Inform the school but don't expect them to take action as it's really not their responsibility. You could also have a chat with her form tutor or head of year regarding how she's been feeling regarding friendships as they may be able to step in gently and manufacture a few positive friendships, if that is needed further down the line.