DD wants hand holding to revise for everything

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DD is 14 and she's always been a bit 'needy'. If she ever had homework to do it's always been brought to me to read or look at, even if it's not finished. She loves praise and always wants positive remarks and comments about her work which is what I give if it's warranted.

Unfortunately she's become a bit attention seeking, the amount of input I'm needing to put into her work is getting more and more despite her being perfectly capable of doing it herself. Revision is the new way of getting attention. She's apparently unable to revise on her own, her way of learning is for me to sit and read through her work, explaining things and 'teaching' (it's one to one attentionall the time) It's clear she knows most of it as she loves to interrupt and tell me the answers almost before I've finished.
To be honest I'm finding it all a bit wearing - I'm happy to help if she's a bit stuck on something but it's clear that it's now become an attention seeking exercise.

Just earlier she asked me to help her revise for geography, I told her I'm sorry I was busy so then we had the stamping, shouting and dramatics. When I relented and said I'd test her at the end of her revision she was smirking. Little madam just wants her way all the time.

DS 16 has never asked me to help him revise just asked for help in throwing a few quiestions his way to test him. She seems to want hand holding all the way.

What's normal? Anyone else have to do this for their DCs or is she simply being a drama queen?

I think YABU- she's 14 and wants you to be interested in her work. Would you prefer she sat in her room on her own and you didn't know what she was doing?

I hope my DD is like yours at 14- she already has the tendency to do the bare minimum - she attention seeks in other ways because she's a child and that's what kids do- and she's only 10!

That's what I'm thinking that perhaps I a man being unreasonable. I am interested in her work, she knows that and I always praise it. It's the fact she needs constant affirmation that she's doing well, she loves parents evening at school and positively basks in the glory so she knows she's capable and doing well.

We've come to the agreement this evening that she revises alone (as she needs to learn how to do this herself, I can't always be there to hold her hand) and I'll test her on what she's learned. Compromise.

YANBU. She does need to learn to be independent. That's partly the point of homework.

Does she know how to revise? At DS's school they were actually taught what to do. I don't think DD's school have done the same.

Once she knows what she's doing she can get on with it herself. You can support her by testing her at the end or marking past papers that she's done.

What are the more important things you have to do than give your daughter the attention she seeks??? ☹ Your daughter is keen to learn and show off what she knows. Many parents would kill to have a child so keen. Indulge her. Encourage her. She's not asking you to do it for her, just with here. As for basking in the glory having only just learned how amazing it feels to be able to succeed academically (doing OU) please. Do not discourage this joy. She's high on achievement. What would you rather her get high on? In the long run she will learn to be able to self assess herself and will need you less. Until then. Why would you want to discourage it? Bloody beggers belief. Do you not value educational

achievement???

Little madame just wants her own way all the time

Your issue isn't revision....

You don't sound like you like her much!

DD is 16 and procrastinates if I am not with her. She has AS exams in a week and due to her anxiety finds it really hard to concentrate to revise. She needs me to be there so she can bounce ideas off me and likes me to test her on her knowledge. I have told her over and over again that she can't do this when she is at university, but the alternative is not doing any revision and failing.

YANBU - but my school never taught me how to revise. Rather than helping her with a specific subject, could you work with her on finding some strategies for revision?

FGS OP is interested in and valuing her dd's education. But the dd in question needs to feel good herself about her own achievements - needing constant external validation just leads to a needy, people pleasing adult. She also needs to learn effective revision techniques that don't rely on a third party NOW, before GCSEs.

OP good compromise, perhaps you can start finding her school work just too hard for you to help....

she can't do this when she is at university, but the alternative is not doing any revision and failing.

Well unless she learns now then she WILL fail at university - and given that the cost of failure will be around £12-16,000 maybe failing the ASs now is a better strategy.

Have a chat with your dd about how you're really proud of her and that you think she's really got the hang of her revision. As she's getting older, she needs to be more independent in her learning so you can't get so involved but how about regular 'meetings' at specific times where she can discuss what she's covered. You could make these meetings as exciting as you want - a drink in a coffee shop, a walk and talk session etc.
she can let you know how she's doing and you can keep praising.

What's normal? Anyone else have to do this for their DCs or is she simply being a drama queen?
There is no normal when it comes to children. She sounds like, for whatever reason, she is wanting more attention from you. Have you considered that giving her this attention now could give her a better base to springboard from when she does have to go away to University and study by herself?
She is wanting to share her love of learning with you and for you to be proud of her. So many people would be so proud of a child with this attitude.
Have a talk with her and explain to her that you have concerns about her working independently and that sometimes you have housework and other things to do Most of all listen to her and try to get her perspective on what is going on with wanting your help.

Sadly, you are right titchy, but DD is on medication for depression and anxiety, and I think allowing her to fail right now will just make things worse. I also don't think DD should go to university until she is ready, and think a gap year or two may benefit her.

hm, fine for a 10 or 11 year old, but can't imaging my 14 or 16 year old being like that. Despite me valuing education high, they need to be able to revise on their own. Fine to discuss things afterwards, or help with difficult topics.

Please reread my post. Have you never had to deal with teen depression and anxiety before?

I had certain issues with dd where she did tend to need my help a lot at a certain point and I think had low confidence. But it has corrected itself and now she works quite well on her own. If she has something real tricky and can't find info, I will tend to research and print some things off for her to read when she gets home. I do tend to monitor her homeworks as there is rather a lot at this stage to ensure she keeps up with it.
I definately think their confidence can be low and re assurance definately helps. Dd is flourishing but still if she gets stuck in school, she will go with what her friends suggest and then find she was actually right with what she thought but did not have the confidence to put it down.
I will happily help dd at any point tbh and would not want her to think I did not want too, so I would be careful that does not make things worse. If you want more space their is nothing wrong in her revising first alone and telling you stuff or you testing her afterwards as you have arranged. Our school actually says if they are happy to tell/teach you leave them carry on as it is great learning for them.
Dd sometimes although wanting reassurance can also be very adiment how she does something a certain way so we do have a varied mix of emotions. She can become quite stressed out with homeworks too like a real mental block. Can be a rollercoaster for them. Also there are certain things that are above me and I cant help at all.
I think it is fab your dd is keen for your time interest and input. Don't knock it. My dd improved greatly (missed a lot of school due to health issue) when I bought her certain science books and we sat reading them together.
It sounds like for some reason she is needing it right now, its not bad. You say she loves parents evening at school and positively basks in the glory so she knows she's capable and doing well and so she should, why not.
You will just have to compromise a little and get the right balance, tell her to swat up what she can for 30mins then fill you in on what she has found and see then if you can find out more together. Make her do a little more of the work firstly then praise and re affirm 'see you can do it'. Then she is having the best of both worlds, doing it firstly herself and then with you.
The majority of kids at dd's school don't even bother to do the homework or pass the time of day with parents so I think she sounds fab Look at it from the other side of the fence. Oh and my ds didnt need me at all either but they are all different.

I think she is old enough to understand that education is not just about learning the material, but also learning how to learn independently. Can you try explaining this to her, emphasizing her maturity...?

Then discuss which parts it would be most useful for you to work with her on, and which parts she can cover by herself. Talk about a plan for increasing how independent she is.

My year 10 is very conscientious and organized. She occasionally asks us to help with specific things (usually language vocab, sometimes reading through and important English essay for comments) but 95% is entirely on her own. My year 8 is quite a bit lazier and doesn't seem to know how to revise. I've realised that just leaving him to it wasn't working, so we are working with him quite a bit towards his end of term tests. However, the aim is definitely to teach him how to do it himself.

Some of the replies on her seem unreasonably harsh and unrealistic.

We were told that a huge reason for homework is to teach them how to be independent and self motivating, so prepare them for life/ university or whatever's next. So you could gently explain that, then do a deal to meet her halfway, so say you'll check it at the end, or if she's really stuck she can ask for help.

Of course it's v.different for you Iamastonished. I hope your DD gets through her AS levels okay.

Thanks all, the promise of me spending time testing her at the end of her independent revision seemed to work last night in the end. We took some online tests together using the BBC bitesize app too so that helped with questions that might be phrased differently.
I think I'll hold firm on the rule that she revises on her own and I'll heko her compound her learning at the end of the session though. And for the posters who inferred that I don't care about my daughter then shame on you.
By encouraging her to independently learn I'm hopefully teaching her to try and stand on her feet on her own a bit, it's what parents do. The last thing I want is her turning into someone who can't.

Could you encourage her to teach you the key points about whatever topic she is currently revising ?

We used to do this for each other at school/college. So, 45 mins revision/preparation then during a coffee break, 5 mins each (three of us) to tell the key points. Top 10 facts, for and against, whatever fits the topic. Preparing to tell someone else really focuses the mind on the points, and having them clear enough in your mind that you can tell someone else (without notes).

We learned to do this with each other, at a much older age. It would never have occurred to my mother to 'help' me and my father only ever did remedial maths, which was more useful for my sister (though, thinking about it, it had her in tears most nights). Maybe drop the idea that she is 'attention seeking', is that what being a child means?

Thank you Traalaa. DD is currently sat on the settee revising on her own. She can revise on her own, but not all the time. She likes me to test her, and remembers facts better if she discusses them.

Your DD sounds lovely, OP. I think it's really nice that she knows you're interested in her work and wants to involve you.

This reminds me of my dad, I used to love him helping me to revise and testing me. It's one of the things I look back on with fond memories, he was always interested in my work/revision and had so much patience and time for me. It honestly didn't stop me being able to work/revise on my own, if anything I think it helped.

If you've got other things to do, can she sometimes sit at the kitchen table and work while you cook/do other jobs.

Iamastonished, it sounds like your DD and you have a lovely relationship.

It isn't always sweetness and light, but I like to think that we do get on well most of the time.