When parents are slagging off the local comp...

[Everyoneafter3]

I've posted before about my concerns over the local secondary, which, thanks to comments on this board and an excellent recent Ofsted, are very much allayed. I had a very good read of school newsletters etc and am much happier. Dd1 (Y4) is musically gifted and will also audition for a specialist music school.

The area in which we live is very affluent: many children round here go to fee-paying independent schools. These dc are going to school and telling my dd (and others) that the local secondary is rubbish ("my mum and dad say..."). One particularly stupid parent has said at home that "no child of mind will set foot in x school" which of course is coming back home with our dd.

Dd1 has now got it into her head that the local school is terrible, that she's really upset to go to not a good school, that she wishes we weren't poor (we're not! But no, we can't afford independent school fees without having to sacrifice other stuff we prioritise as a family). She's been researching exam results and all sorts.

For our part we've said well look at any local school she'd like to, although as we live across the road from the school in question it'd be unlikely that she'd get in.

I'm heartily sick of parents telling their dc how awful the local school is. It's simply not fair. My dc won't receive a 'lesser' education. They aren't going to a 'rubbish' school. If this continues I'm tempted to speak to their current primary school tbh. What else can I do? I've told dd to not listen, we've looked at the school website, talked about results (!) but I'm at a loss.

[LIZS]

Unfortunately y4/5 is just when girls get competitive and even bitchy. Parents will always try to affirm their own choices and this is passed onto children. I doubt any of them have actually visited state alternatives. However they may also say one thing and quietly do another!

[DriftingDreamer]

Snap op.
I used to rise to it but am trying so hard not to at the moment.
Have a younger child still at the primary and still have to put up with head tilt sympathetic/ patronising smiles....

[MilkRunningOutAgain]

this whole topic upset my DS when he was in yr 6 and is currently upsetting my DD, now in yr 6. About 40% of leavers go to the catchment tiny rural secondary & get free transport (7 miles away so council has to provide free). Another 40-50% go 10 miles to a different secondary, much larger and better but have to pay for transport. It causes horrible relationships between parents and children. There is in effect a class divide. Can't wait till the end of the term, no idea what to do about it to improve it, I just hide.

[Everyoneafter3]

The boys are at it too . One told dd her destination school was "rubbish and she'll not achieve anything".

[DriftingDreamer]

I hid massively when current year 6 parents found out what schools their children got into!
My ds in year 7 at non middleclass favoured school. I hid round corner near my youngest class not looking in direction of year 6 in case I caught an eye....

[MyVisionsComeFromSoup]

other parents are weird - I have one mum who I was friendly with stop talking to me totally (and actually turned her back on me) after we took DD out of school to Home Ed. 11 years later she's not said a word to me, but has bitched in my hearing about people who think they're better than everyone else. And another mum (we were going on holiday together type friends) also completely dropped me because of that (a bit more understandable in her case as she is a teacher, and had suggested we move DD to her school).

[namechangingagainagain]

DS is now in year 8 at the local comp. His friends all went out of catchment or private.

I think it helped that is was, genuinely, the best fit for him. So we talked up the positive.... massive school..... lots of new opportunities.... chance for him to have genuine independence at 11 rather than being spoon fed.

If she's looking at exam results it may be worth looking at them together. DS's ( ex) best friend went to a private school with a crazy percentage getting a-a stars at GCSE BUT it was selective and very small class size. We then looked at the comp... although percentage lower, absolute numbers sitting them much higher so there was still 2 sets worth getting a/ a stars at maths for example. Plus its non selective obviously. Even "poor" schools can still have a subset of high achievers if you look carefully at the data. Or maybe your DD doesn't like maths ... maybe she like drama or music and they have great clubs or shows ..... you get the drift!

Many of his friends parents wrote off the larger comp without visiting because they didnt like the idea of it's size. However they failed to appreciate that some teenagers love being in a massive buzzy school with lots happening and the thought of a small school with 60 or less in the year from 11-18 is actually stifling.

Schools have changed massively in the 20 yrs since I left and many "bog standard" comps actually provide amazing teaching and opportunities as well as having high standards and aspirations.

Reassure your DD that she will do well wherever she goes if she works hard and has a good attitude and that you will always support her

[SallyGinnamon]

The most successful person from my school year, career wise and financially, went to what was considered the worst school.

[troutsprout]

Dd goes to that local secondary school .. the one that parents primary flip to different feeder group / attend church to get into secondary faith / move house in year5 to avoid .
When we applied one parent asked me why I would send her there "because she is really clever" . Another told me I was " brave" for even going to open evening and another said that his son would not go there "even over my dead body"
Some children in her year group in year 6 also made fun of her for the choice once places were assigned.
Dd is heavily into music and we have had a similar response at her weekend music school when adults ask her what school she goes to.
She's now year 9. She's still clever (lol.. it didn't disappear!.. funny that!) Never talked about school results with her beforehand tbh.. we were more interested in the ethos and culture at the school.. which is what we liked (still like) about it.
She's happy / challenged and doing well because of it. OP, If you feel your local comp can do that then you are onto a winner I reckon

[prettybird]

Some people are just very "pass remarkable" and, as other posters have pointed out, have to cast aspersions justify the choices they themselves have made.

In Scotland, so slightly different (all comprehensive here for a start ) but my dad was apparently told by his doctor colleagues that he was "ruining his children's education because of his political principles by sending us to the state school"

For those of you that know Glasgow, these "awful" state schools were Bearsden Primary and Bearsden Academy

I went on to get 6 As at Higher in S5 - as did many of my friends at the school - and went to St Andrews Uni, while many of my friends stayed on for S6 and went on to study medicine/veterinary science/law (one at Oxbridge).

Have confidence in your choices OP. It's probably also a good lesson for your dd (unfortunately sooner than she should though ) that people can be misinformed/prejudiced/ignorant and she should have confidence in herself and not worry what other people think.

[Wh0Kn0wsWhereTheTimeGoes]

We found although it did start in year 4, the DCs interest waxes and wanes, it peaks again in summer of year 5 when they go on taster days and parents start making serious decisions, then they all forget about it again for a while once the applications have gone in, starts up again when the place allocations come out, gets forgotten again when they are working for SATS and then doing all the exciting stuff that comes in the summer of year 6 (residential, last Sports Day, helping at Summer fair, leavers assembly etc). You just have to grin and bear it really. Probably pretty well every parent in the playground is feeling a little sensitive/nervous about their choice whether it's private, local comp, further away comp, none of us know for sure how it's going to work out for our child.

[DriftingDreamer]

I have only really fallen out with one person over whole issue and decided to take path of 'drifting' re our friendship.
Still feel uncomfortable that we could both feel so strongly as to change our friendship.
School issues do strange things to us all!

[oklumberjack]

OP, after you've grinned through gritted teeth throughout the rest of the primary year, be prepared for the influx of Facebook status's those first few weeks.

All I saw/heard was constant pictures of new Y7 dcs 'adoring' their new school from day 1. "Duck to water" etc. Also apparently having 'hundreds' of new close friends. "SO pleased we chose this school" blah blah blah.

Although we chose the right school for dd, I won't lie and say the first few months were hard going. These type of statements made me feel even more anxious. It's all smoke and mirrors though.

When other children spouted insults at dd's chosen school she just responded with "Oh, when did you go to school there?". It confused them for a bit. She soon brushed it off (although it always annoyed her).

[oklumberjack]

*weren't hard going. Gah!

[BizzyFizzy]

I don't actively rubbish the local secondary (100m from our house), but my children don't go there. To paraphrase St Francis....

[DriftingDreamer]

I have noticed a new way of rubbishing secondary my ds is at. Let's call ds Fred...
'Well Fred is the sort of child that will cope anywhere but my Miranda just wouldn't. She needs a similar peer group around her'.
Read what you like into 'peer group'... pretty obvious!

[underneaththeash]

OP - Have you actually been to see the school yet? Its unlikely that all these people are rubbishing a school for no reason.

Ofsted reports don't always tell the whole story, we used to live in zone two in London, our local secondary had a really bad reputation, but had a good ofsted last year and looking at the website/newletters etc it looks great on paper; however, the GCSE results are still not good and they have other issues.
We had two friends, with children who started there last year have recently both left. One to go to another state school and another privately.
They were experiencing a huge amount of disruptive behaviour in the classroom and abusive behaviour in the playground.

If you are in London, there are a lot of places you can apply to for music/technology aptitude.

[DriftingDreamer]

Re secondary I am talking about it is because in disadvantaged area.
Some parents actually said, on year my ds went in, had best open day, loved the feel etc, etc.
However- not the right peer group won the day...

I did have wobbles. Very hard not to when surrounded by people slagging off your choice.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I honestly want to move away from where I live because of the horrific snobbery about schools. It literally makes me hate people who I used to think were quite intelligent/reasonable. Now I go out of my way to avoid them.

[ParentingEnnuie]

OhTheRoses

I don't know where to start with your list

You know 5 is not a big sample size, and that one girl going off the rails is neither here nor there, and that one girl reading geography (or drama!) is not proof of a lack of ambition ?

Your snobbery beams out.

[DriftingDreamer]

Secondary I have found far worse than primary re snobbery [and there was plenty round ds primary at the time...].
I have had the -well it is ok to send to local for primary but really have to think more carefully for secondary.'
Then lots of angst til they get the less local more middle class school.
God they are smug...
I hide....

[NotYoda]

IME parents have a real difficulty separating their own experiences from those of their children

Either they can't fathom a world in which their children have a different education from theirs (and theirs was decades ago).

[NotYoda]

Sorry, random"either" in post above

[minifingerz]

Children being divided up along mostly demographic line and sent into schools with wildly different demographic profiles is bound to result in hackles going up.


It pulls me up short every time - how awful, unfair, divisive and unmeritocratic our school system is. The end of primary is when it really slaps you in the face.

I love it when people on mumsnet try to insinuate it's all a storm in a teacup.

It's not.

It's a fucking disgrace and hugely divisive and unfair on children.

I had this from lots of people with my dd and DS1. Actually dd's infant school HT response on learning dd was going to the local comp was 'Minitoes is going to St Shitbag's comprehensive? What a shame! Couldn't you get her a place at a private school'? This is the HT of an inner city state primary. I didn't trust myself to speak.

[minifingerz]

bibbitty I totally understand.

Four left wing, labour voting friends who were very vocal about inequality when their children were in primary, chose extremely expensive private secondary schools for their dc's in preference to the local outstanding rated comps. And then made tied themselves up in knots trying to explain and justify their choices despite nobody asking them to. I feel differently about them now - I just see them as hypocrites.