Any positive stories of unpopular DC at primary being OK at secondary

[GColdtimer]

DD (year 6) has never been popular. Not invited to parties, excluded from groups, etc. She has dyspraxia, is a bit of a square peg, has had problems through school but has got a group of 3 good friends now who are seen as a bit nerdy (she thinks, I think she is probably right). She is going to secondary school with one of them and nobody else from her school (her choice to make a fresh start).

DD was in a big show last year. Because she isn't very popular nobody at school much cared but we were incredibly proud of her and lots of her outside school friends and family came to support her. Given she has dyspraxia the fact she got in was even more amazing.

This year a girl in her class (a friend outside of school, not really in school) who is probably the most popular girl in the year is in the same production with a different am dram group. DD auditioned for it and although she got through the first stage didn't get in which makes matters a whole lot worse.

Its on next week. All the girls keep talking about it, how this girl is the best singer/dancer/actor/prettiest, teachers are going to the show as are loads of the year group. DD said its made her feel even more invisible than ever, that she did all this last year and nobody acknowledged or really cared, even the teachers. She wants to say something but wouldn't as she knows it wouldn't reflect well on her so keeps it in and then rages when she gets in. I keep telling her that the important people in her life were proud and came to support her, that those girls aren't her friends anyway and quite frankly in a few weeks it will all over and everyone will have forgotten about it. She bears no malice to the girl by the way, its just everyone elses fauning.

I totally understand how she feels. She has always felt left out and invisible and this just further underline it. Thankfully she is going to a secondary school without the popular gang so she can make a fresh start but she is now worried it will never be any different. There will always be a"popular girl" and she will always be overlooked, especially in peforming arts stuff. I told her that all the popular girls from all the primary schools will have loads of competition and she just needs to quietly get on with being her, work at being really good at what she wants to do and not worry about it all, but I am 45 not 11 so easier for me to say.

Just realised that was quite a long bit of background! Does anyone have postive stories of them or their DC being unpopular at primary school but it all worked out at secondary?

Mummytime, I completely agree with the fawning over some "popular"kids at the expense of others. It does make it worse. It seems to happen in quite a few schools.
I like students who are individuals, not sheep and not afraid to be themselves. That's not easy but I think it makes a happier person in the long run.
Your daughter will also (hopefully) miss out on the utter mess that's created by snap chat, photos etc. in some of these groups which can only be a good thing. I don't want that to come across as popular kids = more issues but that does seem to be more of an issue in some friendship groups.

Another parent of a dyspraxic girl who had a shit time at primary op. Not impressed with how common this seems to be.

Two terms in at a single sex school and my dd is a different child. Masses of confidence,absolutely loving school and doing well. This was after starting said school alone and leaving close friends completely behind. She also normally gets on well with boys and I was a bit worried how she'd cope without them but this doesn't seem to be an issue.

Yy to zero influence of the cliquey parents being a huuuuge benefit. I also think my dd was in a particularly unpleasant small town minded year group and church school. Huge city secondary with a far more diverse intake,kinder more supportive/independent pupils and an interested proactive staff who really know their cohort have been extremely refreshing.

We had a few tears during the first term but stuck at it and she is blossoming now. Seems to have found her tribe and her self confidence. Year 7 can be tough so don't panic if you have a rocky first few weeks.

Out2pasture I totally disagree, I think most teenagers are lovely and much nicer than when I was their age. They are also massively insecure, which some deal with by putting others down.

My eldest DD watched the "populars" through secondary and would say you really wouldn't want your DC to be one of them - by the end they had much bigger problems than the less popular group.

Yes, my daughter was quite actively anti social. She went through the whole of primary without any good friends and forever upsetting other children (not being maliciously nasty just not necessarily following social norms) and i was constantly worried about her. She is now in year 7 in high school and things changed immediately. She now has loads of friends. I wouldn't say she was a 'popular' kid though. There are so so many of the children hate her because she is so so different but she has lots of different groups of friends now. Even some of the children from primary school have been very good friends since going to high school. My daughter is into performing arts too, which is fab at high school and has made her some other friends and she's starting at a theatre school and made a couple of friends there on her first session. Like i said at the beginning she is seriously anti social too (I suspect she has some form of asd tbh) but she is thriving now.

My son wasn't so lucky at secondary, my daughter who is 1 year younger once said "I'd commit suicide if people were that nasty to me".

@Out2pasture, I am so sorry. That sounds dreadful. My DH was the same, terribly bullied at secondary school for various reasons.

@greenpasture2 - your DD sounds very similar to mine. I really hope her experience follows yours.

My dd is a bit different and didn't fit in with the hair flicking girls in yr 6. She's little, skinny, short-haired and very young for her year. Not interested in make-up and often gets mistaken for a boy. I wouldn't say she was actively unpopular but she was certainly not in the popular gang. She is very confident though and has no desire to follow the crowd.
She's in yr7 now and almost from day 1 settled into a really lovely friendship group (all bright, bookish and a bit quirky like her). They hang out in the library at break and are quietly bemused at the other yr 7 girls with their handbags and boyfriends.

quietly bemused at the other yr 7 girls with their handbags and boyfriends

at that. My y7 DD is off on a trip next term. I've just been through the rules with her, including not going into the hotel rooms with DC of the opposite sex. 'Why would I want to do that?' she asked ...

Someone in her class has told dd that a boy is about to ask her out. Dd quite likes the boy but isn't remotely interested in going out with anyone, bless her. It would cut into her reading time. I've prepped her on how to let him down gently...

@Eolian bright, bookish and a bit quirky and likes the library describes my dd perfectly. Hope she finds people like yours.

DS was in trouble most of primary school... teacher said it was a parental discipline problem & other parents stopped us in street to moan about him... yr5 finally made friends with the nerdy group... went to secondary with just one of them.

Now yr8. Has got on very well. Good circle of friends. Only one small disciplinary event in 18 months. Teacher reports are all about how polite & mature he is.

I had a rotten time in primary & no problems in secondary, too, come to think of it.

I'm hoping my DD finds a nice group of friends at high school too. Y6 is very cliquey and exclusion seems to be the weapon of choice. One day she's in with the group, the next day she's given the cold shoulder treatment. I hate to say it but sadly there are a couple of downright mean girls in her circle. She's emotional and sensitive so whilst I try to bolster her I just really hope she can leave these nasty girls behind at high school and find a nice group of like minded kind girls.

We had to remove dd from her school in year 5 because of bullying and the school refused to do anything about it. We sent dd to a small all girls private school which goes from 3-16. She made a good friend in year 5 but who left at the end of year 6. While the beginning of year 7 was a bit tough by Christmas she had a lovely group of friends who have remained friends with very little of the drama that goes on with the other groups. Dd group of friends are all different but at the same time they are very supportive of each other despite the fact that the popular girls refer to them as "losers" or the "little people" both terms I detest but it really doesn't bother dd and her friends. So please don't worry friendship groups are much easier in secondary school.

My dd had the same experience in Year six, no friends and won the star role in the end of year play, the one girl she thought was her friend was raging. She has undiagnosed aspergers, and is on waiting list for assessment. She has a couple of friends in year seven but hasn't been invited to any parties or sleepovers at all. My heart breaks for her. I bought bunk beds specifically for sleepovers, but she hasn't been invited or had anyone to invite

Buy her this book - helped my DD enormously.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Popular-Vintage-Wisdom-Modern-Geek-Memoir-Wagenen/0141353252/ref=sr11_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1491515531&sr=1-1&keywords=popular

Also, very funny and worth trying out some of the ideas. The best one is saying hello to lots of people, 1 new one every day.

twofalls It's not a school in town beginning with D is it? Just you mentioning cohort size and all-girls.

If it is (log-shot I suppose) feel free to PM me as I have expert in the house on how things work friendship wise in that school.

My DD is also dyspraxic and had a really hard time at primary school, bullied etc, not invited to parties. She was always strong in her own character and brushed it off though. In secondary it took her quite a while but by y9 she'd found her tribe and is now in a strong group of like minded people, geeky and fan-fic and Comic-Con types who just laugh at the popular ones looking down on them. They're very confident and absolutely lovely. She's off to college with some of them and I've no doubt she'll make new friends there too. It's been a rocky ride though and I haven't been at all impressed at how schools handle bullying and exclusion.

Hope your DD is happy at high school. It's so tough as a parent isn't it

I haven't had time to rtft I'm afraid, but I just wanted say that Year 6 can be a nightmare for this stuff generally. And whilst senior school isn't a miracle cure, it can be much much better. I have a year 7 boy and it's been a slow burner but tonightbwere having a friend over for tea after school for the first time.

I've talked to my ds about finding your tribe (hate the phrase but he understands it, so I'm sticking with it for now) and being cool-as in by being himself and being kind, eventually he will find the people most like him and most likely to make good friends. So don't go hanging around the football fields hoping to find a mate if you hate footie. Go to minecraft club or whatever even if it's considered terribly uncool because if that's what you enjoy doing, chances are other kids that enjoy doing it will share some other interests too and friendship can blossom from there.

They all seem so ready to move on in Year 6 and this last term is a killer. Hang tight. Love her yo and teach her to love herself and hopefully the rest will follow (and be a bit dogged about encouraging friendships. I literally chased this child's mum down at an event at the new school a couple of weeks ago which is how come this boy is coming for tea).

Here's hoping for a better next heater for your dd.

Terrible typos-I'm in a rush, sorry.

The geeks shall inherit the earth .

My dd (she's 12) is half way through Year 7. She chose a different secondary to her primary friends. While I was lucky not to have the problem of her being 'unpopular' she always felt a bit 'other'. She's very emotionally mature, very tall and womanly figure. Well into puberty. She watches grown-up BBC drama, likes Magic, stand-up comedy and is obsessed with the Eurovision Song Contest. She's never really ever taken a selfie, worn make-up and has only just joined Instagram. She's just a bit different to her peers.

I won't lie and say that Y7 has been a breeze but it hasn't been awful either. The first few months were really nerve wracking. Dd just didn't make many friends. I think she was quite wary. The girls formed themselves into little groups quite quickly. She just got on with it. She joined the school drama club which was GREAT. Lots of different types of children (lots of boys too) which gave her a bit of confidence. She met a few other 'oddballs' there which boosted her a bit. In the past few weeks she's seen chaos reign in her tutor group as old primary friendships have broken down, quickly formed cliques have disintegrated and reformed. She did well to keep away from it. She has a small little group in her tutor who seem to like her. Her initial interactions with other from different clubs/tutor groups has worked in her favour now as they find their feet and start organising school events etc - actively seek her out for input.

I don't think she'll ever be 'popular' but that is such a stressful tag to have. It's been an anxious time but I think she's doing great now.

My niece (who's now 18) really struggled in primary school to fit in. She was a bit of a loner who struggled with her temper and her social skills. However, when she reached about 13 everything seemed to click. While others were getting the teenage strops, she seemed to grow into herself. She was always nerdy and into Science and she found herself a tribe of geeks! They were inseparable right through to A-levels. My niece was even voted class captain one year. She was never in the 'popular' group but never really wanted or needed to be iyswim. She now studying very sciencey stuff at University and has no problems but still treads her own path and is very go-getting at sweating out new experiences off her own back. This seems to attract friends to her.

Good luck op. Your dd sounds fab xxx

Sweating out? Seeking out.

If drama is her thing, depending where you are based, you could think about getting her an acting agent, for extra parts, for example. It doesn't have to be to make her the next big thing but it can be good for confidence and it can be a way of getting a bit of street cred in school. It often pays really badly, so it is just for a bit of fun and an experience. Just an idea!

@HPFA yes it is! I will PM you.

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your stories. One thing that is clear is that dd won't be the only one who has struggled to fit in and is keen to make a new start.

I don't expect it to be easy but this has given both of us some reassurance.