To board or not to board - am I being selfish

[Silverine08]

My daughter is currently at a boarding school doing her A levels and has been there since she was 11. She absolutely loves it, has made great friends and last year achieved fantastic GCSEs. When she started we were local but moved about 2 hours away when she was 13. I asked her then whether she wanted to go to a day school near us and she emphatically refused. So all good. She's happy, the school is making sure she's getting the grades she needs. Nothing to complain about.

I also went to the same school and was equally happy which is why we made the decision for her to go there.

THe fact is, that I have really missed not having her at home. Yes we talk on the phone a lot, she comes home some weekends and holidays and I would say we have a great relationship but I can't help feeling I've missed out on a lot of her growing up.

We've also got 2 boys. They are a long way from starting secondary but we have always said they will go to Tonbridge like their dad and will board. DH is set on this happening but I'm now having some real doubts. I can't help thinking that I'm going to miss out on their growing up and that especially being boys (who don't tend to talk about their feelings with other boys) that they should be home with me at least once a day. There is a private day school close to us which is good but no where near as good as Tonbridge.

Am I being selfish wanting them at home? If they are as happy as my daughter is it fair to deny them that opportunity for my feelings?

Has anyone else felt like this after their child has nearly finished boarding school or maybe even moved them back to a day school even if they were happy?

I know I have some years before anything happens but it's going to take ages to convince my husband!

I'd e the first to admit that sending your DC to boarding school is hard and how there were times I missed him terribly.
But as my then 7 year old said after he'd been boarding for 2 week "I realise in life you can't have everything" sadly very true.
I always think of a pair of scales you know the ones with a dish on the each side if you put the pros of boarding in one and the disadvantage in the other then providing the scales tip in favour of the advantages then the missing them not being involved in their lives every day becomes at best bearable and hopefully acceptable.
The adavantages for me may not be the same for you. These were my perceived advantage. DS2 is naturally brilliant at math by yr 2 he was top of his tiny primary school and better than many of his teachers, he was bored stiff. The school acknowledged this but also said they weren't prepared to do anything about it. We lived in a rural community and there were no more suitable schools in the area. But I wanted a broad education, a Renaissance education, where my math/science orientated child could do poetry, an MFL, Latin/classics, proper and regular sport, extra curricular sports/hobbies etc no small village primary school can offer these in the way a boarding prep can. So the scales tipped in favour of boarding. Over the 11 years he boarded they sometimes tipped the other way (when he was at prep) no boarding in it's self related and this caused all of us considerable distress and heart searching but we persevered because we believed it would be better at senior school. At senior school the scales always tipped in favour of the advantages, we chose our school carefully because it uniquely provides an extensive daily broad intellectual non examined curriculum which matters to me (ultimately more than exam results) once when my very non reading science/math orienated DS quoted some poetry, I knew we were doing the right thing giving him an opportunity that a day school (in either sector) couldn't give him or discussed opera, when he waxed lyrical about Malory learnt studied for no other reason than because it was there, or Shakespeare, art, etc. His school is very liberal we're very liberal, boys are very much allowed to be themselves, my lone wolf DS had been allowed to be just that no pressure to conform, barely any meaningless ritual, I hate meaningless ritual. He could do his chosen sport three times a week I couldn't offer this at home, he loved the intellectual side of it again I couldn't offer it a home. So he was receiving the education Id always wanted him too, he could only do it by boarding at his school so it was ok. As he said "in life you can't have everything". There are times when a I wanted to drive down an bring him home both my parents died, a friend died, he's been very sad at times and I wanted to support him, and did but so did others I believe as well as I could, I am eternally grateful to him amazing caring dedicated HM. Ok the disadvantages apart from the obvious; costs a big one, endless driving, not being in control of their every waking moment (not something I'm good at anyway) not being the main source of advise, not knowing what's going on at school (frankly a relief for me), what marks their getting etc, if they're actually doing prep (I think it's safe to assume they're not if they can possible help it), making sure they're shoes fit, or they've got a clean shirt etc (again not my strong point) or brushed their teeth, and you miss them terribly. But you get excited when at the end of every term in particular the long summer holiday when they come home. I used to hear work colleagues moan half way through the summer holidays "when are they going back to school" I can't wait to get rid if them". As boarding parents you really appreciate the small things, walking the dogs together watching a movie, eating breakfast together. And as he wasn't at home all the time I worked more n term times and less in the holiday to be around neither ever went into a holiday club.
But I should add we've always been incredibly close and have been since he was born, we are very alike in many ways and understand each other, we had before he boarded and still have an excellent loving relationship being with other families in my work and watching what goes on I count myself very lucky indeed. Although boarding alone will not bring unhappy children/parents together. He knew that he only had to ring and I'd be there, and would have removed him if necessary. Now at home on a gap year we remain very close we share a common interest so we're often together and so many people comment on it, our relationship is not damaged in any way. I have to be very reflective to do my job well so when he left school, the end of an era. I looked back over the last 11 years, has we done the right thing? Had I damaged irreparably our relationship? Would he have been happier at a day school? I asked him (he's also a very reflective and honest person) the answer; yes we'd made the right decision to send him to a boarding school, no our relationship was irreparably damaged, he had friend at both boarding school and day schools whose relationhsip with their parents was but ours wasn't and he couldn't really comment about happier at a day school because he couldn't really remember being at one but having watched his brother and other friends he very much doubted it.
Boarding isn't right for every child or parent but many happy well adjusted families do it and the comment that something must be wrong at home if a child is happy at boarding school is hurtful and uniformed. As I so often say on here I work with dysfunctional families, very few board it's poverty, substance abuse, abuse in general, hideous messy divorces, health problem and just plain fucking bad parenting that causes unhappy children.

I'm anti boarding, and IMO if there are no particular reasons for DC 2 and 3 to board other than their father wishes them to and the school is (how much?) "better" than local options it'd make sense for them not to. Your needs and wishes are a valid consideration and no more "selfish" than DH's.

I don't think that your DCs' gender should be a factor taken into account: that's stereotyping about teen girls and boys.

I used to hear work colleagues moan half way through the summer holidays "when are they going back to school" I can't wait to get rid if them". As boarding parents you really appreciate the small things, walking the dogs together watching a movie, eating breakfast together. And as he wasn't at home all the time I worked more n term times and less in the holiday to be around neither ever went into a holiday club

I don't send him to holiday clubs, or moan when he's home, or wish school started already. I enjoy every small thing with DS and he doesn't board. He's always working hard, so holidays are sacred for us. You cannot generalize. My neighbour was always shouting at her boys, couldn't wait till they went off boarding. Now she's very happy but when they're back she rolls her eyes and tells me she can't wait till they're off boarding again.

There are some crap parents who send there children to boarding school who can't wait to see the back of them in long holidays but there are equally crap parents whose children do to day schools in both sectors who can't wait to see the back they of them. Numerically as only a tiny % of children board there are more of the latter.
I know countless parents of boarding school children I rarely if ever hear parents say that they can't wait for the holidays to end.
Hardboiled I am also in part responding to the gross unfounded and unfair generalisation upthread that children who are happy at boarding schools are unhappy at home.
Just because it's not right for you and your DC's doesn't mean it's not right for others I respect that you and many other don't like the idea but we are all different. Few who criticise boarding so passionately would know one end of a 2017 boarding school from the other, most have never even set a toe inside one, they simply base their comments on prejudice, misinformation, or experiences of friends and family 20-30 years ago.

In support of boarding. My DD who has boarded in only in 6th form sent me a text only last week saying "i am so happy Mum. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to come here." Boarding has made her world perfect for her.

happy Sorry if I gave the impression that I'm against boarding. I think it's an individual choice and I didn't mean to criticize it. I am against every gross unfounded and unfair generalisation, including that boarding is for unhappy children or families but also that day parents get "too much" of their children to bear it. In your circumstances it's clear it was the right choice. I am in London and fortunately could choose between some very good day schools at a commutable distance. Yes, there is a lot of ignorance re boarding schools (although not my case). They have changed so much in the last decades anyway. What I was saying in this thread is that the OP's feelings have to be considered and it isn't just for the children to decide as if it were a basic need. After all, lets not forget these are first world problems we're talking about. To be precise, the tip of the iceberg of the first world. (I know they offer bursaries...)

My dh (only child) went to boarding school from 11. He got a very good academic education, and because he was very sporty, he loved the sporting opportunities it offered.

However, he hated the experience overall and missed not seeing his parents for 6 weeks straight. He hates the fact that when he broke his arm playing rugby, he didn't have his mum with him in hospital or for the next three weeks until term ended. He now has a fairly poor relationship with his parents.

As a result, Dh was adamant that our dc would go to the local comprehensive, which they did. And although they didn't have some of the opportunities dh did, they benefitted hugely in other ways. Ds1 had some mental health issues aged 15 -18. I can't imagine how he would have coped without having a very supportive, safe family environment during that period.