Unsettled DD Y8 scared to change schools - 24 hrs to make up our minds

[Desertdweller1]

For those that have moved their children to a different secondary school when things were not going well, how can you be sure things will be any better?

As I mentioned in my post a few days ago, our DD has been having all sorts of issues this term at her large mixed secondary school including poor academic performance, acting out of character, withdrawn and lonely, low level bullying (it eventually transpired).

We have a place for her at a new school but only have another day to decide. DD seems scared (understandably, it is daunting) of giving it a go in case it is even worse!

In our conversations today, she admitted that she didn't feel her current (carefully chosen!) schoo, is exactly right for her and that she doesn't think she will ever fit in totally.
Time to try elsewhere...I can't bear to see her go through the whole year like this. It's been fraught and upsetting and entailed so much discussion with the school. We just want her to be able to enjoy school and learn.

Is it a frying pan to fire situation or should we try and reassure her that everything will be fine and better?

New school is half the size with smaller classes, better results and will hopefully be able to nurture and monitor kids better.

OP my DS (Year 8) got bullied in his first secondary school and moved to another school which he loved. After GCSEs he moved to another secondary school because his old school didn't offer the subject choices he wanted.

He went from being bullied and upset to being a very happy boy in with a nice crowd. He also knows a lot of people because he went to so many secondary schools. When we are out together lots of people say hi to him which I think is lovely.

My DD went into our local secondary school and spent the first few years telling me how much she hated it. It was a very good school and she had friends so I persuaded her to stay. Her dislike of the school seemed to vane over the years but the time wshe as doing her A levels she hated it so much she just switched off and flunked her exams big style.

She told me recently that she never thought that the school was right for her and that she felt a lot of the kids thought they were better than her.

I was upset when I heard this and wished that I had listened to her properly when she tried to tell me in first year. I wish she had had a good experience of different schools like her DB.

This is a very long way of saying I advise you to listen to what she is saying and go for the new school.

The issues she is having are painful and that can't continue. My DS got over the bullying at the first school by having a good experience at the other schools.

I wish you well and really hope it works out for her. Change can be a good thing!

Obviously there's never a guarantee that any change will definitely work out well.

But given that she's not happy at the current school, and given that it sounds as if there are several strong reasons to assume the new school may be better in various respects that matter to her, it sounds as if it would be worth facing down her nervousness in favour of the new option.

Thanks Emeraldisle, your story really helps. Great to hear things worked out for your DS when he changed schools, but sorry to hear your DD didn't have the same positive experience. Let's hope we can all learn from your experience.

However, despite the issues, our DD is actually saying she wants to stay put. I think she's just so nervous about the whole thing, as her confidence has been well and truly dented - a devastating thing for a parent to witness. In this instance I think we probably owe it to her to take the decision out of her hands. Yes she will be wary and uncertain over Christmas and into the start of the new term, but fingers crossed things will go smoothly.

Our DD has clarified the situation since my original post, and it is less disconcerting, in fact it does have some major positives. She says she means there are is a large contingent of popular, cool kids, and she does not fit in with them. I think she has been trying to some extent, which explains the poor anti-school/study attitudes, and perhaps some of the poor performance. She has obviously been pushed around/bullied by a couple of groups of these kids and realised she doesn't fit with them and more importantly (and very positively) doesn't necessarily want to.
So it's been a tough term of self discovery with some positive outcomes.
We will have to encourage her to be her own wonderful self, rejecting all the partying and drinking going on in these circles.

We cannot know for sure, but as far as I am aware from friends with kids at the new school, there is not such a pervasive cool culture at this school. There will undoubtedly be some meanness and bullying, like in all schools, but hopefully a more pronounced effort to encourage kids to be kind (I saw some evidence of that on our tour).
Plus I really do think a smaller cohort should be easier to supervise and control.

Hi OP,

We moved DD half way through year 9. The issues were similar to what your daughter is experiencing & I would urge a word of caution that you're not jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

It wasn't a terrible decision to move our DD because she was happier there, but her insecurities moved with her. I wish now that I found a way to get her to engage with counselling, believe me I tried! I think this would of been much much much more beneficial to her long term wellbeing than moving schools. Not saying this is what your DD needs, just asking you if you feel that moving schools will resolve the issue? If it's a confident 'YES' then you know what to do.

Best of luck.

Hi JudgeJudy,
thanks for the words of caution. We've taken it on board.
No we are not 100% sure - not sure you can ever be totally certain how things will go tbh.
DD seems to have learnt a lot from all this already and is making some quite mature comments and having worked out who her real friends are. She wants to stay for the time being, avoid the cool crowd and try and get her grades back up too.
I think we're going to let her give it a shot and see if we can stay on the other school waiting list for the end of the academic year in case things dont get better. At least then we've given it our all.

I would take the stance that where you are at isn't working so you have nothing to lose by trying somewhere new. Worst case it will be more of the same.

DD is five and is having a hard time in her class. We are in the Us and she sees a counsellor in school twice a week. I thought the whole thing was totally OTT at first and rolled my eyes. Actually it's helped her confidence so much.

Encourage her to move.

I know primary school is different, but we had something similar. And the move was the best thing we could have done.

Sorry pressed post too soon!

I would def do the therapy route for her regardless of your decision. I've been blown away by the results.

It is scary but from what you have said what do you have to loose? It may be the making of her.