In year transfer - yr 7: too soon?

[Donna2tellaM0ss]

Don't want to drip -feed but in order to avoid long post: DD1 started secondary at a local outstanding school this Sept (our 2nd pref school). School has fab reputation academically and also well known for it's 'rigorous' approach to discipline/ rules.
DD who has a tendency toward anxiety is not settling (it seems) - has not made friends, refuses to join any clubs and generally most days seem to approach school with a sense of trepidation. Academically she arrived at secondary below average, especially in Maths. Her English/Literacy while quite a bit better, is still not great. She naturally seems more interested in art & sport at this stage, (though it does feel much to early to pigeonhole her like this!)

A few weeks ago following an episode at the school (really not a big deal at all, but for some reason dd completely thrown by it) we applied for an in-year transfer to our first preference school.

It's further away (+30min commute on public transport). It is also an outstanding school but potentially a better fit culturally to dd in terms of it's approach to discipline / general 'feel' Also might have more of an emphasis towards art and sport.

We've explored counselling with current school but the school cannot currently offer her anything (not til new year anyway).

Not sure if this is enough info yet but I'm wondering - if you could get a sense of what i'm saying - would you think of moving her at this point, should she now be offered a place at the 1st pref school? or is it too soon?

I think it takes some kids longer than other to settle. My DS (13) didn't really have any close friends until the second term, and preferred to still socialise with his primary friends. You know you DD best, would changing school mid term lead to more anxiety for example? Hope things work out ok xx

I think you need to look at the what your main reasons for changing are.
Is it because she has not really made friends or is it the actual school?
My DD is the same age as yours and has also just started secondary, there have been bumps but I think I would have to be very unhappy with the school to move her at this stage. The children seem to be settling into their friendship groups and I think it would be difficult to join now.

thanks for replies...

i think the fact that this is not our first choice school plays quite heavily on my mind. i was expecting there to be a period of settling in tension, but she doesn't seem to be making any progress forwards.

it feels more as if she's just gritting her teeth from the start of each day through to the next, and then the weekend. she insists on finishing all her homework on the day (regardless of deadlines, or how much there is to do, and then the resultant quality of the work) for fear of forgetting to do it but also because she just wants to be able to 'forget about school'.

I think I had hoped that starting secondary would re-kindle an interest in schooling, which she had totally lost by the end of primary school (for various circumstantial reasons at the old school).

So now she seem SO very unhappy about it all, I'm questioning that she's in the right place. But maybe I'm just being impatient???
What if leaving her where she is exacerbates the lack of interest in schooling, and more - worsens anxiety issues?

If it's a general apathy towards school I don't know if changing would help? I know it's difficult to see them unhappy but it may be that you have to enforce a more relaxed approach to school work and encourage an after school club? My DS refused to use his locker for a year because he was terrified of forgetting his books for class. I think some of this is normal anxiety but could be bigger issues being carried over from PSchool?

My (previously very sociable, adaptable, easy to get along with) DS found starting secondary very much like you describe. It took him most of Year 7 to find his feet and it's only now in Year 8 that I'm seeing him get his confidence back.

There's nothing in your post that suggest it is the specific school that is the problem (other than a vague grass being greener feeling) so I would hesitate to move her as would not be sure it would fix the issues!

Have you spoken to the pastoral team at her current school? Hopefully they may be able to help her integrate better and may be able to (for example) provide a friendly face/someone to talk to if she's feeling she hates everything.

For the time being forget about the quality of the work - maybe take 10 minutes after school everyday to sit down with her, go through what homework she has and help her make a timetable for when she can do it. Coming home and spending hours every night rushing the homework isn't going to help her attitude to learning.
Eventually she will learn to plan and manage her time by herself but if she is struggling it's not wrong to help her

The move to secondary school is a massive jump, the amount of homework is huge compared to primary and she might be finding it overwhelming.

The friends issue is tricky - has she made any friends at all?

Really helpful posts - thank you both very much.

I will try to relax myself (!) - think I might just be making things worse, especially if you're not necessarily reading anything extraordinary yet.

Will explore more with the current school pastorally, as you suggest, too.
It sounds like more time and patience is needed. Maybe this holiday comes at a very good time!
Thanks again.

Donna is there anyone that she is a little bit friendly with?
Sometimes it can work if we help friendships along a bit - invite someone round after school or maybe to go out for a bit on a Saturday/in the holidays (in my dd'd class Starbucks seems to be the greatest place on earth) - maybe she could suggest meeting up with a couple of other kids on a Saturday for a hot chocolate, it only needs to be for an hour.

thanks nancy75 - i have been trying to get her to do that with homework. she doesn't take well to me 'helping' her though, so i have to manage that carefully too. she feels that she has to be able to manage by herself, even though i remind her often that this is something she will grow into.

no, socially i suspect things will be tricky for some time. she has never made new friends easily but we will keep encouraging participation in clubs i think - maybe also one or two out of school.
thanks for replying!

If she is worried about forgetting homework or being organised get her something like this www.paperchase.co.uk/stationery/writing/list-pads/owl-desk-pad.html I got it for my dd because she is the most badly organised person on earth!

She can have it where she does her homework, it's easy to see what she had done and what she has left to do and it might make her relax a little bit about forgetting stuff (we also use it as a reminder for things like days she has cooking and need to take ingredients)

ooo nice - thank you what a great idea!! she'll love it. LOVES stationery in any form

I get dd just to write what she has for homework and when it's due - in my case I use it to remind her to do the homework but you could use it to say look you've done this much, this one isn't needed until next week, lets do something fun for an hour instead!

Transferring to another school is unlikely to help with friendship issues, rather make them worse, especially if she won't join any clubs.

What does your DD say the problem with school is? Why are you concerned about the discipline style? Is she worried about getting into trouble? If so, could you encourage her to 'safely' get into trouble (a forgotten homework?) in order to see that it really isn't that big a deal?

it's a general sense of 'loads of rules' , and so a real worry (even anxiety) about getting into trouble - all the time.
this isn't new for her though - she was also like this at primary school, but that school encourages children into good behaviour with incentives rather than threats of punishment all the time which meant that it was easier to help her manage her responses. (Hence our concern about sending her to this school).
I think you're right about letting her see that it's not the end of the world to get into a bit of 'safe' trouble... she has had one or two small things happen, and survived (!) - we will just need to keep learning the lessons -gently and patiently.